To stop or keep going

At the current moment, I’m trying to find out whether or not I should text Tiffany, I haven’t said a ‘Good Morning’ nor a ‘Good Night’ in a couple of days, upon looking at my phone I’ve been texting her since the end of April, and her responses are far and few in between. So I’m hesitant in still texting her. Well, Norm, amongst his dating history rant, said something like “If you want her to like you, you have to create the opportunity. It’s not going to come to you.” and I remember on Facebook, Tiffany emphasized effort when it came to relationships. But that’s the thing, from the beginning, I felt as if she used the ‘I just got out of a relationship’ as an excuse to NOT go out with me. I never saw her with a boyfriend… nor did I see any interaction involving her and another guy, in a relationship-like form. Bah… I’m ranting. In either case, this hilariously seems like a bad beginning to a chick flick, “Hopeless Romantic tries his luck against several women, only to have them put him down gently.” Hmmm… ‘Create the opportunity’ yet I have NO memory of Norm ever having a girlfriend! He mentions a girl that used to ‘come all the time’ but I barely remember anyone matching her description. In either case, I wouldn’t put it past him to have secret girlfriends, which makes me take his advice with some considerable salt. Still… He’s right in the sense that I have to work at it, just to start it all.

Well, After my Gross Test, all I could do was laugh at my efforts, I don’t even know how I did, there was really one question in the lab that I didn’t know. But I have to study for D. Bio now, I have a quiz in it tomorrow and I need to start doing better on those… I think I will text her to see her reaction for my absence, if I got nothing, then I guess I was deemed unworthy of her attention.

Time is running out!

I only have a few moments because I’ve allowed myself to get into a deep conversation with the Princess, Jenny, So I don’t have much to say, except, my abs hurt because of exercising with Norm, and I got my Transmission from the Junkyard and I have to study for Gross Anatomy which is tomorrow! Here goes something!

I am Home…

I know this isn’t a big event in my life as to the fact that I will always come home, but believe me, I love the feeling of coming home, the feeling of familiarity, the relaxing feeling that consumes me, ahhh, I truly love it. I missed everyone here, well the people who missed me, anyways. John’s more like, “Oh, it’s you.” heh, it’s a bit difficult to miss someone who doesn’t care much for you. But I’ll always try to maintain some positive aspect of John, it won’t be easy, but these are the Tests.

On the other hand, I’m currently reading Dante’s Inferno as well as exercised with Norm earlier today. Heh, he tried to wear me out during our jog, but I managed to keep a smile throughout the entire time. Oohh.. but it felt good to exercise again! I told Norm that we should do this every week, let’s see how long we can maintain it.

Not much to report today, other than it’s good to be home! Let’s see how much of Dante’s Inferno I can understand.

Looking for the perfect Flame Background

I had intended to write a blog post yesterday, but it slipped my mind. Lately I’ve developed an interest in finding a background for my laptop, a more suitable one that matches my love for fire and anime and honor. I’ve settled for a fire demon with a grand stance that I found rather appealing. I’ll admit that I was looking for a Knight, or an Angel, and I have found some that are pretty good, I suppose the Demon will do for now.

You know, I realized that the exact poses or images that I was looking for, weren’t there, so I was thinking to myself that I should take up drawing again, to make those poses that I wanted to see. However, I suspect that I won’t have the coloring down, nor will I have the means to continue drawing if I plan to continue to fulfill other desires like finishing the Divine Comedy, or starting and finishing all of the other books I plan to read, or completely learn how to play the piano, or fully learn Spanish. Heh, it seems that I have given myself a lot of things to do. It’s strange how when I have a moment of free time, I wind up playing video games… Oh well, my cultural side will eventually scream loud enough for me to hear it.

The weekend is almost here, and tomorrow I will go home early! I’m glad for that! No work for 3 days! Although that means that my next paycheck is going to be shorter than usual due to the short hours. But meh, I know this isn’t about money… It’s strange Gabe is now one of the many people who thinks that my going to medical school is going to be a certainty. Despite the challenges that lie ahead, how are they so certain? I suppose if I know what I’m supposed to do, it’s just a simple matter of just doing it. MCAT, the difficult classes, and anything else on the list, Just do it.

And now, as my day is about to end, I try to think about what it is that truly defines me, after all it took me a long while before I ‘settled’ for my current background, I have yet to stop searching, and now I realize that if I want my own background, I’m going to have to make my own. Just like this life, where I’m going to have to make my own path as well. I must use everything that I have in my possession to try and fight off all evil and temptations, as well as every negative force within myself. I cannot let anything, not even my own desires, fears, or demons, get in the way of my goals!

Death and all its humor

Today around 1800, 3 people were shot and killed. I do not know these people, my only correlation to them is that La Sierra Univ. is near the street where the shootings took place. Yet, people are shocked at the notion of this, I wonder if they realize that people die everyday, in much worse settings, and in far worse ways…

Today was rather peaceful, I walked and took the bus to the Visterra Bank on Indiana, and I liked the feeling I felt on the way back, of just walking along a lone road, no one behind me, no one in front of me. This road is mine and mine alone to walk upon, no one else matters, no one else can walk this path that I am walking… Everything seemed to have a place, and I noticed myself smiling throughout the ordeal. It was like an unusual reminder that I am much older than when I was taking the bus to RCC for the first time. It felt like I was smaller before, and I had grown in size and girth.

A strange feeling to have…

But now I feel as if God is trying to remind me of how I was back then, granted it is what I prayed for, and I’m beginning to remember the gentleness of the wind, the vast ocean that is Time, the lack of a car which translates to me as, lack of being ruled by ones possessions.

Hmmm… I wonder what else is going to happen to me, with these increasing developments that are occurring… Heh, this ought to be interesting!

What it takes to be a Good Man

I’m finding it interesting to try and maintain this habit of writing down personal thoughts and feelings and whatnot’s of my day, for the most part, it’s easy when I have work, which is a majority of my nights, it’s a bit more difficult during the weekend because my nights are away from my laptop.

Now my mind goes to other things that Good men do that allow them the abilities to become good men. Self-sacrifice, Honor, Self-control, Humility, Intelligence, Wisdom, the Ability to adapt while maintaining one’s Morals.

These things, I thought I had, but now I’m finding myself trying to maintain these qualities throughout my life. It’s easy over the internet, but in real life, when I’m face to face with the challenges, it is proving to be a lot more difficult. Often times, I find myself failing to up hold the ideas that I revere so much. Heh, it’s rather discouraging, realizing how much I’m failing. Hopefully, through this medium, I’m able to have my failures solidify in my mind, and work to over come them in the future.

I have a test in Human Gross Anatomy on Monday, I am going to study for it throughout the week, I am going to pass it. I will be extraordinarily tired tomorrow, but several naps here and there will allow me sufficient energy to last throughout the day. I hope.

Now, as time passes, and I’m getting older, I have to start thinking about developing good habits that will allow me to become a better person, everyone says I’m a good man now, but I still don’t have the habits that comes with the territory of truly being a Good man. I’m rather quick to anger, and I can still sense that I have pride in my heart, along with envy and lust. Wrath is still deeply repressed in my heart, and I must find a way to rid myself of it, lest I plan to kill the people who do me wrong. But how? How can I learn to let the past go? And why is it so difficult for me to do so?

Perhaps it is because the Past is repeating itself, John would do something hypocritically wrong, particularly something he said he wouldn’t do, then we have a family intervention, and then he’d apologize and promise not to do it again. Cycle repeats. OK, that’s one reason. Norman would act pissy and selfish after hours of resting and electronic stimulation, causing Dad to look else where for assistance, Hmm… Also another reason. OK, so I see a pattern here. My brothers are not improving their lives, causing my wrath to be constantly refreshed, because of their apathy and selfishness. But that’s just one side, another is myself…

WHY am I holding on to this? WHY is this finally getting to me? WHY does it fill my heart? Hmmm… These things I have to seriously think about, and I had better find a solution quick, otherwise I’ll be unworthy of being a Good man. Now comes the test: I can be good towards strangers, yes, but can I be good to those who I see constantly? Who are bound to me by blood, which means that I cannot simply rid myself of them, like a bad person? Am I seeing myself in their actions? in their flaws?

I have to learn to be better than my flaws, better than my own petty emotions, better than the demons that haunt my heart, tainting it and causing it to beat with the evil Echo.

The Spark, The Fuel, and the Guide

I haven’t written in a couple of days, but an interesting thing happened to me, while I was at Carl’s Jr. eating breakfast. I saw a lil white girl roughly 4-5 years old, in a bright pink dress with blonde hair and blue eyes. You’re typical little white adorable girl. She was running and with an innocent smile was playing, she was loved by her parents, and she knew it.

So I finished my meal and was enjoying my coffee, and I saw Sirena and Isabella sitting across from me. I smiled at them and they looked at me with their young eyes, and Sirena asked me, “Tio Aby, are you a doctor yet?” Isa followed with, “Doctor!” I was shocked, their question penetrated all defenses and clenched my heart. “Tio Aby isn’t as smart as everyone thinks he is, Chiquita.” I replied. “Tio Aby, did you study hard?” I started to list reasons why the world is against me from studying, only to have their faces remain motionless. After seeing this, I realized there are no reasons why I cannot excel in my studies, no reason why I cannot do my best in all of the things that require effort from me. I looked at Isa, her eyes looking up to me, because she wants to be a doctor, a Cardiologist…. like me… I couldn’t face them…

Another voice enters the scene “Mijo,” It was my mother, “Mijo, don’t forget to relax. You look so tired.” Heh, I smiled at her, “I’m fine, Mom” I said. “It’s ok, Mijo, puedo pedir un favorsito?” she asked, “Sure.” I said, “Puede ser un doctor?” I was stunned once more. Her words only brought to mind all of the pain and suffering she endured without any comfort from anyone. Her traumatic and horrible life, that no one should live, especially her, the kindest woman who’d greet you with a hug more than a handshake. Her smile is strong, always have been, always will be. She only reveals her deepest, most jagged scars to those who are willing to listen. To love others is simple for her, to work hard, to give her best, has always been effortless to her, My eyes swelled up, and said with some strain in my voice, “Yes, mom, I will.” and then I buried my head in my hands

“Taras.” The voice changes from gentle and loving, to firm and somewhat playful. My father now sits before me. “Hey Grandpa” I said to him, hoping that he’ll say something comforting to me after the bombardment from the others. “So… Are you passing?” he says bluntly. ‘Damn.’ I think to myself. “Dad, I need a new car to help me out.” “OOooohhhh, a new car, huh?” he says somewhat mockingly, “Yes, a new car is good, because you’re always SO busy.” I look around and notice that I’m sitting by myself, not studying anything. “So your car can study for you?” “… No.” “Your car can take the tests for you?” “No.” “Ooh. So why do you need the car?” I list the reasons I previously had for wanting a new car, only to realize how empty those reasons really are. Sleeping? I can sleep anywhere at any time; The ‘states of mind’? I can always exercise to cleanse my mind of academic worries; The Family? other people on this path, don’t even have the luxury I have, of being able to see them, to talk to them whenever I wanted. Also like my nieces, his face remained motionless at the list I had presented to him.

So I finally found myself alone in the restaurant, and realized, there is no excuse for my apathy. Everything can be put on hold for the sake of my education, they all suffered and cried and bled and prayed for me, and I have yet to repay them! For the girls who look up to me, my little Sparks of Life, the Little Monsters that I love more than anything, Your uncle WILL be a doctor. For my mother, who always watches over me, concerned with my well-being, who revealed the horrible jagged scars of her life to me, my Fuel, I will not let you suffer in vain. For my father, always reminding me that there’s another way, and always ‘business before pleasure’ There is much I do not know in this world, but I do know that to be a Man, I must be willing to sacrifice my own life, my own time, my own family, to reach my goals. You’re always teaching me to be a better man, Guilt-tripping me into realizing my mistakes, you Guide my Flame, to make sure that I’m burning and working in the right direction. Always being the example of what it means to work hard. All three of you are the main aspects of my life. Everyone is just to help me, and remind me of who I should not be. But it is you four, that I will always hold closest to my heart. For you I will do this. I will sacrifice myself, because you are the embodiment of my morals, my values, my Passion, all of the aspects of my life I tend to forget when I want to be selfish. Thank you all, and I love you more than anything in this world.

I will not let you down.