I have only a few seconds before I have to leave work. So let me just say that Tiffany texted me back when I texted her that I hoped she had a good day. But since I’ve explained my day to her, she’s not replied yet. Meh… I have to try to remember that I have to find balance within myself before I can let others help me find it.
You know, I realize that I’m saying these philosophical stuff lately, I don’t really know why, but I feel like I have to keep reminding myself of this. I guess I know something subconsciously, that I don’t know consciously. Heh, I could translate it as, I’m smarter than I, myself realize.
In either case, today was alright, Mom’s eye — daunting, scary, and life-threatening, — eye surgery is now over and now she’s fine. Sad to realize that all I can think of is all of the things my hypocritical brothers tell me, about how I should be there more often and that “This is Serious.” sigh… I’ve got to let that go, it’ll do me no good to keep it within. Besides, what do they know? They’re the ones causing her pain, ha ha ha! To think they have the gall to say these things to me… sigh… That’s pride talking. At least they care enough to BE worried. I can have that to hold on to. I can’t forget to love them even when they don’t love me, or rather, the family.
Alas, Time makes fools of us all, They’ll realize when they’re bawling their eyes out, how much Mom means to them. And they’ll probably hate me because I won’t shed tears for her death, but smile. And they’ll never understand why, They’ll never understand the fact that it’s because I love her so much that I will smile when she passes from this world, that she made me promise not to cry. Heh, what a thing to ask of a son, to not cry at the funeral of his mother. Hmmm… I wonder if I’ll cry at Dad’s funeral… Probably, I have nothing but love and respect for that old man, He’s probably my ideal version of what it means to be a Man. Then again, there are a lot of times when I could’ve done without some of his ideas. Sigh… But to stand up for what he believes is right, is nothing short of admirable. I wonder about all of the times I’ve failed to do so.
Hmm, I wonder if he’s proud of me… I think I’ll walk next year for graduation, I know he’ll love to see that. I want to make him proud for believing in me. For, heh, putting up with me and my antics, problems, and hectic schedule.
If I don’t tell you again, I’ll say it now, I love you Dad…. Despite the fact that I’ll probably tell you sometime in the future… probably tomorrow, ha ha… But still, you’ll always be the Man I’m trying to be. Thank you for teaching me what it means to be a Man, and for reminding me, constantly, I might add, how much I still have to learn from this world. So I say again, I love you Dad, for everything you’ve taught me, tried to teach me, and are still teaching me.