I’m finding it interesting to try and maintain this habit of writing down personal thoughts and feelings and whatnot’s of my day, for the most part, it’s easy when I have work, which is a majority of my nights, it’s a bit more difficult during the weekend because my nights are away from my laptop.
Now my mind goes to other things that Good men do that allow them the abilities to become good men. Self-sacrifice, Honor, Self-control, Humility, Intelligence, Wisdom, the Ability to adapt while maintaining one’s Morals.
These things, I thought I had, but now I’m finding myself trying to maintain these qualities throughout my life. It’s easy over the internet, but in real life, when I’m face to face with the challenges, it is proving to be a lot more difficult. Often times, I find myself failing to up hold the ideas that I revere so much. Heh, it’s rather discouraging, realizing how much I’m failing. Hopefully, through this medium, I’m able to have my failures solidify in my mind, and work to over come them in the future.
I have a test in Human Gross Anatomy on Monday, I am going to study for it throughout the week, I am going to pass it. I will be extraordinarily tired tomorrow, but several naps here and there will allow me sufficient energy to last throughout the day. I hope.
Now, as time passes, and I’m getting older, I have to start thinking about developing good habits that will allow me to become a better person, everyone says I’m a good man now, but I still don’t have the habits that comes with the territory of truly being a Good man. I’m rather quick to anger, and I can still sense that I have pride in my heart, along with envy and lust. Wrath is still deeply repressed in my heart, and I must find a way to rid myself of it, lest I plan to kill the people who do me wrong. But how? How can I learn to let the past go? And why is it so difficult for me to do so?
Perhaps it is because the Past is repeating itself, John would do something hypocritically wrong, particularly something he said he wouldn’t do, then we have a family intervention, and then he’d apologize and promise not to do it again. Cycle repeats. OK, that’s one reason. Norman would act pissy and selfish after hours of resting and electronic stimulation, causing Dad to look else where for assistance, Hmm… Also another reason. OK, so I see a pattern here. My brothers are not improving their lives, causing my wrath to be constantly refreshed, because of their apathy and selfishness. But that’s just one side, another is myself…
WHY am I holding on to this? WHY is this finally getting to me? WHY does it fill my heart? Hmmm… These things I have to seriously think about, and I had better find a solution quick, otherwise I’ll be unworthy of being a Good man. Now comes the test: I can be good towards strangers, yes, but can I be good to those who I see constantly? Who are bound to me by blood, which means that I cannot simply rid myself of them, like a bad person? Am I seeing myself in their actions? in their flaws?
I have to learn to be better than my flaws, better than my own petty emotions, better than the demons that haunt my heart, tainting it and causing it to beat with the evil Echo.