Today

Well I spoke to Diana today, she seems to be doing well today over in Oregon, but I’m afraid that the whole rush of being out there in College might cause her to make some mistakes. I know that this rush gets to us all, heh, I can only imagine what crazy stuff i would’ve gone into. Perhaps I’d go so far as to say, shameful.

Ok due to the last 2 days I’ve been working from midnight to 4am, hence my small absence and due to a slightly skewed sleeping pattern. but meh, I’m going to need the money, for the upcoming school classes.

Ahhh, that reminds me, I’m still planning out my future, I talked to Nena and she thought that my going into Nursing for a while was a step backwards, after I explained to her my situation and how much disdain I received from the representative of LLU, it was insulting. I know my grades aren’t the best, but this guy was so shallow, I couldn’t believe that he was an adult in the first place.

So that opens up new avenues because if this man represents the people and ultimately the world of Loma Linda Univ. Then I would want no part in that, it’ll be just like La Sierra, except with the arrogance and snottiness of the ‘children’ amplified.

Well I better sleep, I have quite a few things on my plate and I’m going to be fighting a Warhammer Storm of Magic fight tomorrow with Norm and Greggy.

Keep Going

Today, I picked up my brother John from his work, and I didn’t have much to go against it. Although he kept speaking the whole time, ranting about random stuff, so I kind of tuned him out, this was common, after all, everytime I try to participate in the debate, he doesn’t understand what I’m saying, and then, he’ll just disregard it as non-sense. Heh… it’s kind of funny…

Well today, my father informed me that my car, with it’s grinding sounds and whatnot, is relatively fixed, at least in the sense that I won’t have to worry about my car flipping out of control and causing a numerous car pile-up on the middle of the Freeway. So for now, the Bearings need to be replaced, and the drive shaft needs to be worked on, but none of these things are life-threatening… Well, shouldn’t be, but I still kind of freak out while driving.

So now, that’s all I really have to worry about. And I can now focus my attention to other endeavors, like Nursing School and what to do afterwards.

Now I have to be off, it’s my turn to wash the dishes, heh.

 

Updates

Today was rather interesting. Updates on several different aspects of my life.

My car is getting progressively worse, something metal is grinding against something else that’s metal, I’m starting to pray that I get home in one piece. Heh, I keep imagining my car just careening out of control after something snaps and initiates my doom, causing my car to tumble and flip in many different times, and finally crashing in a manner that causes either some severe handicap like blindness or causing me to become a paraplegic, or the alternative, my death. Heh, such are my thoughts, and everything thinks I’m just an optimistic guy…

Another update is UCR. Apparently, my money from the PLUS loan never got through, so I have to try and fix that, otherwise my suffering at the hands of Organic chemistry would be for naught.

I exercised today, although I was going strong, I believe that my weekend of Popcorn and soda, and whatever else junk food I ate, caught up with me, so I was only able to finish 5 out of the 10 exercises. But as a plus, I didn’t vomit afterwards, although I could feel the urge coming. Heh, so a Personal Victory there.

So for now, I’m going to see what’s the problem with my car tomorrow as it’ll have my entire focus for the whole day. So let’s see if I can at least find out the problem tomorrow.

Darkness…

Today during lunch, I was sitting by myself and my thoughts went to Darkness again…

In the Darkness, I see myself at the point where I have been pushed over the edge. I lash out at my provoker, beating them senseless, I often times imagine myself struggling, trying to regain control, but for the most part I let it go, let it all go, my suppressed rage which like a inferno shows no mercy and should anyone try to stop me, would be nothing more than an additional victim.

This time, Josue was my target, it was the night before my sister and her family left. Josue for whatever reason slapped me, instilling a sense of superiority over me and laughing at me mockingly. I was able to not kill him, but without a single moments hesitation, I rendered him disabled and pretty much left him on the floor, I walked away warning everyone that should they come in his defense, to come at their own risk. Then flashes of each person coming in to calm me down occurred, for the most part, I fought back with an example hypocritical actions done by them, making them no better than Josue. Upon walking away, I turned and looked down on him saying “‘Family is important’, indeed, but you, you are no longer my brother, I want to know when you’re coming so that I will not be there…” the rest is hazy.

When I snapped out of it, I felt my body tense, my arms almost mimicked the swings and blows that I had ‘dealt’ to Josue.

Why? Why do my thoughts go this way? Where does this rage hide so that I cannot rid myself of it? What demon within me houses these emotions?

Sigh… These questions have been asked by me before, and even then, there was no answer.

It stems from the thought that they look down on me. So I guess the anger comes from the idea that I am no longer their inferior, but I feel as if there’s a sense of equality that should be established between my elder siblings and myself. All my childhood, I was always considered the ‘baby of the family’ and that’s what set me apart from them, also allowed me to grow by my own standards. So why do I feel this way? As of this time next year, I will have achieved a B.S. and a Minor, and pretty much achieved a success that they couldn’t, or didn’t, achieve. I have reached that Goal, so why do I feel like my ego has been attacked each time they do or say something like that?

I have to be very careful with how I let myself be absorbed in the moment. If I do not watch my actions carefully, my thoughts will become my actions. And what’s worse, I will kill what I’ve become, and become the demon that I have intended to kill…

“You are the best uncl everB-)”

This is the text I received from Isabella, through her mother’s cell phone.

The girls, my sister, and my brother-in-law are now back in Chicago, Norman and I had caught up with them on Friday at Pismo Beach, and we spend the whole weekend in the hotels, it was as close to Heaven I’ve ever been. We chatted, I fulfilled a mini-quest of life: Eating Chocolate covered insects. This was established when I learned that Pismo Beach had this, after I had left the place the first time.

And now I’m back home, back in the sunny and hot valley that I live in. But since the girls are gone, I can explore other activities, right now, for 3 days of the week at 7pm, I will exercise, and I’ll do the Spartacus Exercise Circuit I found a while ago, I attempted it, and failed miserable, not only did I quit on the first circuit, but I failed to complete it! I gave up after the 4th exercise! Also I threw up before I took a shower, which added even more to my guilt.

I know a journey of a Thousand miles begins with a single step, but I didn’t know I was this bad. Oh well, right I’m trying to look up motivational images to keep and look at when I’m in need of them.

Hmm… my mind is scattered today, I meant to write something inspirational, but it has slipped due to procrastination. Well if I think of it, I’ll post it, for now I’m going to try to finish the rest of the circuit that I was supposed to do yesterday.

*******

Ok, I actually finished it! but I was only able to do it once! Tomorrow will be my resting day, and I’ll try to maintain this routine: M, W, F – 1900 hours, a jog, Spartacus Circuit. It’s tough! Especially the leg exercises! But I have to keep going! I will maintain these exercises! Heh, Melissa wants to trade photos, hmmm… I’m curious to the idea that she still wants something with me. One can only hope.

Recap

I don’t have anything new to add, except for a few things.

First of all, Whenever Marlena sings that song to her daughter, my right palm, along with the tips of the 1st, 2nd and 3rd digits. I thought it was due to some consequence of exercising, but no, I’ve tested it on various times on different occasions, it’s a particular image that causes me pain. How strange,… On a side note, I’m advised to stay away from her, as close as we were, I believe that I will take said advice, Marlena… Whatever she was to me in the past, is just that: The Past. I can’t look back.

Secondly, during my absence I actually did have something of a personal journal, except this was on Paper, I will cease this, and put everything on this. There isn’t much, but it’ll be here…

“Sept. 18, 2010

This is the first journal entry… It feels kinda strange, I’ve always imagined how I would start this journal and each time it revolved around describing myself… perhaps due to a sorta identity confliction that I have seemed to develop. One the One side, I am Abraham, religious, calm, intelligent, detached, on the other I am Red, spontaneous, energetic, passionate, believes that strength lies within. These two often overlap and yet people often have a difficult time describing my personality… Other than using the word ‘Weird’ Heh heh… Later on, weeks ago, my inner conflict was resolved when, like the Sacred Heart of Christ, the two rays of light, although different were actually 2 aspects of life, of strength… Two sources of energy that help me. So now, I am both Red and Abraham both entities supplying me with what I need to be a man who is his own… Wow, this is really, REALLY weird. I’ve always been one who tries new things, but I’m really curious as to how this journal is helping me focus my thoughts and ideas… OK, so now I will list my goals in hopes that by having written them down, I will actually be motivated to do them. It’s has always been my dream to become a doctor, a Cardiologist. Ever since I was 12, I’ve always had this ambition… you know, I think it was this dream at such a young age that spawned my desire to help people, how strange that, in my case, it was the Egg that came before the Chicken… Oddly enough, deep within the recesses of my core, I don’t think I will ever achieve this title, whi thsi feeling is there, I don’t really know… But it won’t leave, perhaps it is there to inspire me to do my best, by challenging me… In either case, I’m sorta stuck with it. So, in order to achieve doctor-hood, I must perform certain tasks, that make myself a better candidate for medical school. For some reason, I find this motion disturbing, as well as, degrading but these feelings have no foundation as reason as to why I have them. To speak the truth, I think I might find all these new experiences, rather exhilirating… Oh well, Trial by Fire, I guess… OK! So now this leads me to short-term goals that I have laid out… One is, obviously, pass all of my classes with as high a mark as I can get, and if need be, re-take some of the lower ones. Two, extracurricular activities that show my interests, as well as, aspects of my character which are good qualities that an actual doctor should have. One such activity is to try and create a successful club at LSU for UNICEF, so far to no avail at that last event, everyone thought we were the Indian Club… D’oh… So now, I have to recruit new people and try to make this thing work, it’s a good cause but I fear that these people, or rather the majority of them, will only try to look for the benefits the club will give them i.e. Mission Trips. But I want this club to not betray its main purpose which I thought was to fund-raise for kids, but I’ll have to see if I can make this work for everyone… Another activity that I must perform is volunteering at hospitals, this particular chore is one that I’m actually looking forward to, here’s to high expectations — heh, well that’s really just an expression, I have no idea how this is going to work, guess I’ll just show up and see what happens. So now here I am, a dispatcher at LSU with about a week left to prepare my situation for what lies ahead… Oh yeah, there’s that Pre-Med Conference at UCD on the 9th of Oct. that hsould be really fun. Too bad Baby can’t join me… Ooh right, I should really take this opportunity to display my affections and interests… Because in my head, I’m seriously messed up about this particular subject. Hmm… Let’s see, I guess right now, Melissa Chong is the girl I want to be with… Wow, I guess by writing it down I sorta confirm any and all emotions and settle any ‘what if’s my mind and/or heart might have… OK, so I cannot be with Melissa because she lives in Peru and I’m in the US. The problem is that we both want someone physical in front of us, not a screen with a face, so, so much for that… In my boredom, I’ve created profiles on 2 Catholic dating websites… Meh, I wanted to experiment with the ordeal, so far one girl who lives about 2 hours away who’s interested in me… Strange… Heh, I really don’t know what God has planned out for me on this one… I always joke that I’ll get married if I live long enough… But I guess like most, I’m just looking for that one girl who will share my life with me as I will share her life with her, unfortunately, like most, I’m frightened by that very idea of being vulnerable… I guess I should create a foundation that’s stable for me first, before I deal in other possible life-changing activities… So for now, I’ll try not to search with my full attention, I have to focus on other things… things that I need to do… Who knows? Maybe I’ll fall in love with someone who walks the same path… Hmm… I wonder what else I should write about… Well after thinking about it for a while I uess there’s nothing else worth writing. I guess this ends my first journal entry… See you around. 9-19-10″

This took more energy than I thought, I guess I’ll write the rest later on. For now I must prepare for the arrival of my sister and Brother-in-law.

See you around…

It’s been a while…

Sorry for the absence, my 6 and 8 year old nieces are visiting, and so my time has been somewhat taken from me. Although, I probably could have put more effort into trying to maintaining this blog.

Heh, the whole point of my starting this thing was to develop habits of becoming a man.

I must say, I find myself at a loss from time to time, wondering why I perform actions that, had I a moment’s hesitation to think, would not perform otherwise. These actions are subtle, mind you, like looking at Lustful images, something that I basically don’t want to do.

So now, I’m going to try to start this again, so far, there are no women on my mind, other than Melissa, heh someone in Peru, that I can’t even hold hands with, and has a boyfriend. Sad and pathetic, you say? Yes, yes it is.

But that’s the idea, I cannot give in to what has caused others to fall, I must rise up against all temptations, granted if I do wind up with a girl, I’ll treat her right, but for now, my reasoning to having a girl is nothing more than childish, physical relations, sex, making out, etc.

No, I will not do this for the wrong reasons. I am going to live this life with honor, dignity, even if I have to break hearts while doing so, I will live a life of a Good Man. Even if it kills me.

So for now, I’ve kinda cut off all ties to my brother John, he has simply registered himself as a passive-aggressive stranger, with tendencies towards shouting and arguments. If he says my name, I will answer him, but I will not go far out of my way to help him… *Sigh* Now, that’s bad. My own flesh and blood, I have no right to do this to him.

But why do I have no remorse other than what I’m feeling now, which if it had a label, would probably be guilt? How can I simply sever myself from him? Am I really trying to do establish a bond with the man?…

Upon a small reflection, I know the answer is a rather solid, ‘No.’ I am not trying hard enough, I’m not doing enough, I’m not letting go, I’m holding on to the past, I’m holding on to his past crimes and attacks upon those I care about. But herein lies the problem:

How can I love the man, if I have no reason to? How? When he thinks that he’s always right and EVERYONE in the family is wrong? Also, should I confront him of it, he’ll brush me off, like a child. I must admit, this adds to the frustration. Hmm… perhaps I’m doing it all wrong, I know getting angry isn’t a answer, and obviously if he senses anger or hostility, he’ll simply shut everyone out. Hmmm… I must find a way, lest I will go back on my oath, and become something I refuse to become.

Here goes something…