It’s been a while…

Sorry for the absence, my 6 and 8 year old nieces are visiting, and so my time has been somewhat taken from me. Although, I probably could have put more effort into trying to maintaining this blog.

Heh, the whole point of my starting this thing was to develop habits of becoming a man.

I must say, I find myself at a loss from time to time, wondering why I perform actions that, had I a moment’s hesitation to think, would not perform otherwise. These actions are subtle, mind you, like looking at Lustful images, something that I basically don’t want to do.

So now, I’m going to try to start this again, so far, there are no women on my mind, other than Melissa, heh someone in Peru, that I can’t even hold hands with, and has a boyfriend. Sad and pathetic, you say? Yes, yes it is.

But that’s the idea, I cannot give in to what has caused others to fall, I must rise up against all temptations, granted if I do wind up with a girl, I’ll treat her right, but for now, my reasoning to having a girl is nothing more than childish, physical relations, sex, making out, etc.

No, I will not do this for the wrong reasons. I am going to live this life with honor, dignity, even if I have to break hearts while doing so, I will live a life of a Good Man. Even if it kills me.

So for now, I’ve kinda cut off all ties to my brother John, he has simply registered himself as a passive-aggressive stranger, with tendencies towards shouting and arguments. If he says my name, I will answer him, but I will not go far out of my way to help him… *Sigh* Now, that’s bad. My own flesh and blood, I have no right to do this to him.

But why do I have no remorse other than what I’m feeling now, which if it had a label, would probably be guilt? How can I simply sever myself from him? Am I really trying to do establish a bond with the man?…

Upon a small reflection, I know the answer is a rather solid, ‘No.’ I am not trying hard enough, I’m not doing enough, I’m not letting go, I’m holding on to the past, I’m holding on to his past crimes and attacks upon those I care about. But herein lies the problem:

How can I love the man, if I have no reason to? How? When he thinks that he’s always right and EVERYONE in the family is wrong? Also, should I confront him of it, he’ll brush me off, like a child. I must admit, this adds to the frustration. Hmm… perhaps I’m doing it all wrong, I know getting angry isn’t a answer, and obviously if he senses anger or hostility, he’ll simply shut everyone out. Hmmm… I must find a way, lest I will go back on my oath, and become something I refuse to become.

Here goes something…

This entry was posted in Journal.

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