Today during lunch, I was sitting by myself and my thoughts went to Darkness again…
In the Darkness, I see myself at the point where I have been pushed over the edge. I lash out at my provoker, beating them senseless, I often times imagine myself struggling, trying to regain control, but for the most part I let it go, let it all go, my suppressed rage which like a inferno shows no mercy and should anyone try to stop me, would be nothing more than an additional victim.
This time, Josue was my target, it was the night before my sister and her family left. Josue for whatever reason slapped me, instilling a sense of superiority over me and laughing at me mockingly. I was able to not kill him, but without a single moments hesitation, I rendered him disabled and pretty much left him on the floor, I walked away warning everyone that should they come in his defense, to come at their own risk. Then flashes of each person coming in to calm me down occurred, for the most part, I fought back with an example hypocritical actions done by them, making them no better than Josue. Upon walking away, I turned and looked down on him saying “‘Family is important’, indeed, but you, you are no longer my brother, I want to know when you’re coming so that I will not be there…” the rest is hazy.
When I snapped out of it, I felt my body tense, my arms almost mimicked the swings and blows that I had ‘dealt’ to Josue.
Why? Why do my thoughts go this way? Where does this rage hide so that I cannot rid myself of it? What demon within me houses these emotions?
Sigh… These questions have been asked by me before, and even then, there was no answer.
It stems from the thought that they look down on me. So I guess the anger comes from the idea that I am no longer their inferior, but I feel as if there’s a sense of equality that should be established between my elder siblings and myself. All my childhood, I was always considered the ‘baby of the family’ and that’s what set me apart from them, also allowed me to grow by my own standards. So why do I feel this way? As of this time next year, I will have achieved a B.S. and a Minor, and pretty much achieved a success that they couldn’t, or didn’t, achieve. I have reached that Goal, so why do I feel like my ego has been attacked each time they do or say something like that?
I have to be very careful with how I let myself be absorbed in the moment. If I do not watch my actions carefully, my thoughts will become my actions. And what’s worse, I will kill what I’ve become, and become the demon that I have intended to kill…