Trying to Stay Above the Waters.

Today was a normal day at school, I was able to memorize the functional groups that are going to be needed for Biochem. And then I spend almost an hour looking at random images from Strakke’s Soup. Damn! This thing is addicting! I’ve wasted 20 more minutes! Sheesh! I’m being absorbed into the world of mindless words on random pictures, and due to it all, I’m finding nothing but unintelligent humor!

On an interesting note, I’ve seemed to have misplaced my green journal that Mom had given me so long ago, heh, I had some journal entries in there, as it was my first journal, before this. I hope I find it, otherwise someone is going to be left hanging as I haven’t written in it in quite some time.

Well, Sometime during the Fall quarter, I better start thinking seriously about what I’m going to do after it’s all done. Apply for Nursing school, preferably an accelerated BSN program, but someone mentioned getting a Master’s in Nursing… Now, there’s an idea… hmmm… More school, but will it be worth it? 2 B.S. or 1 B.S. and an M.S. I suppose having a Master’s would be great looking on an application, and I’m moving at my own pace, so there’s no deadline, or rush, except the length of the Fall Quarter. Heh, it’s always funny how I’m going to make this decision based on on-the-fly borderline-impulse, and over a few seconds, and yet, afterwards, I’ll defend my decision with my life, and all of my efforts. Ha ha ha, am I a fool? Or mad? No one in their right mind would do these things. Well, Harlan took the MCAT based off impulse, I guess he’d be one exception.

Anyways, I should be getting to bed, yet, I’m left wondering what Diana thinks is the definition of a ‘Lady’ or a ‘Man’. I, myself, have some, but I’ve made my own definitions, I don’t think she has, I think she’s gotten hers from modern society… *shudders* Wow, that’s a deeply disturbing thought, I hope she has high standards for these titles. Well we’ll see, because I know that she’s a good girl, still rough around the edges, but she’s got great potential, she is my sister after all.

Time well spent

Yesterday I didn’t write a journal entry because I had completely forgotten, and this time my attention was being taken by Dante’s Inferno! Yes, I’m trying to finish reading that, and I probably will read it again because it’s rather difficult to understand it the first time. Also school started today, I found myself choosing Biochemistry I for my second class, but I don’t have to take the lab, so that’ll will put me at 7 units, which puts me at half-time status. So for now, I won’t have to worry about my loans for now. This should provide me with ample time to prepare myself for Nursing school, as well as backups in case I need another job to pay for them.

It’s kind of funny, I had missed the hustle and bustle of the campus during the quarters, and there’s Jazmin, that’s in 2 of my classes, so there’s a friendly face as well as some help, Baby’s also in my morning class so I’m already looking forward towards hanging out with her. So this being my last quarter doesn’t seem all that bad, I’m glad actually, heh, Baby actually made a sad face, when I told her I was moving northward, and her response? She’s joining the Navy. Ha ha ha! Life’s sure full of surprises, I’m excited to see what the future holds for me! Guess my prayers got an interesting answer! I had given the Lord my life, my future, and I’m given this. Although it’s short-term, and not perfect, (Because of my summer tuition not being payed out) I’m actually happy!

Final Notes: I exercised and didn’t vomit, as I anticipated, but I was only able to do 4 of the 10 exercises. Also, I’m making sure I pray my rosary and at bed at 11:00pm, so I’ve already broken that rule. Anyways, I’m off to bed.

Step by Step

I was talking to Mom about my future, as usually, my confidence is shot and full of doubts. Mom was reassuring and gave me some helpful advice, it’s something I’ve always read and seen but I never realized that.

“Do not fear going forward slowly, fear only to stand still.” -Chinese Proverb

All my life, I’ve thought that my path hung on the edge. As if, if I had messed up for any reason, my life is forfeit. But that’s the thing! My life doesn’t end there! It never did! All of life can be summed up in 3 words: IT GOES ON!! How could I have forgotten?! There are so many avenues I can pursue! I can be a Lab Tech, a Physician’s Assistant, A Clinical research assistant! It’s all at my fingertips! I cannot be stopped! Although I can tread forward slowly, I simply cannot stop. Not for my family, not for my friends, this is for me! I’m living, moving, breathing, fighting for my beliefs! I’m doing what I think is right, nothing else. There is NOTHING ELSE!!! ONLY ME AND NOTHING ELSE!!

Be Calm, Focus

I realize now that my mind is wandering rather rampantly, with the internet’s limitless source of images and information, I believe that my mind is searching on there for the answer but is coming up with nothing, and that’s driving it to become even more desperate in it’s search. And I fear that this search will lead me down a– no, The Dark Path. The path where lustful images are displayed before me, where my thoughts go towards harming others and violent tendencies, where I give up my dreams, and fall into emptiness and find my insides fading into nothingness.

I have to find a way to calm my mind…

Sigh… I failed again, I looked up Heather Graham kissing some beautiful girl, Jessica Stroup. I stopped a few seconds after they started kissing, but I still feel like I failed it, I can hear my mind telling me to stop, and yet, I stopped only to proceed with it, and move rapidly before my mind could stop me.

What is this Void that lies within me? Why is my mind reaching through all of the wrong places? What is it that I’m trying to grasp?

Nothing new today, except I met one of the new recruits for the Security office, a girl named Real, kinda cute, with her short hair and beanie, and a little skinny, she’ll be a fine addition to the ranks.

I’ve noticed that I’m sleeping a lot lately, and I wake up so tired, I have no idea why this is, but I know it’s something I give in to. Heh, it’s funny how much discipline I’m lacking. I can read Dante’s Inferno at any time online, and yet I’m still not finished. It’s a bit discouraging, really, especially when I look back at all of the things I’ve done. I have to learn to let go of whatever it is that’s dragging me down. As soon as I can find the source, I’ll be able to feel good again. Heh, Dear Friends is helping me calm down… Hmmm… I think I’ll make a playlist and fill it up as I go along, I’ll call it ‘Candlelight’. To signify the calm and peaceful candle that is reserved. I think I have to try to focus on that. Rather than some roaring fire all of the time, I have to learn to focus my light, my energy, and be calm, like the Candle that lights the path for one: the Self.

Something new

So now that Nena and the Girls have left, I am now free to use my laptop at any time, seeing as to how I have no little girls to entertain. Heh, I already miss them. But now I’m filling out an entry earlier than I did the last couple of days.

So today, I tried explaining my opinion of Josue to Greggy, and he told me that he still has a good standing with him, and I said that if Josue still has that, then I’ll continue to show him respect, if not, then I will not go out of my way to do so. Sigh… It’s rather sad, because I hold no hesitation in saying such remarks. Heh, some ‘saint’ I am… So readily willing to throw away my brothers and blood, because of their lack of understanding, that’s not a good enough reason. It’s not good enough, because the choice to walk away is mine, and who am I to deny God who looks at me through my brothers’ eyes? Because He will know how I made them feel, and if I abandon them, then that will be placed against me in the Book of Life… Heh, He already knows all of the other marks that are against me. This would just be the last nail on my coffin.

I have to be better. For the sake of my Father, the two in one, and always being watched by them, I know I’m not the most perfect of guys, but I cannot make myself less worthy than I already am. Bah, now I’m just wasting my time, I should be asleep already. Heh heh, I’m now bored and full of energy because the girls have left. I suppose I should resume my training, before I get too lazy, I anticipate that my first day I’ll puke. Well, I suppose that there’s only one way to find out.

Forgiving…

Today was an alright day, there’s an impending fact that Nena and the Girls will be leaving soon, but I’m enjoying every minute I have with them.

I was about to look up lustful images when something struck me, I looked up Forgiving and Arieth’s Theme came on. Previously, her theme came on when I was praying the Rosary, a couple of days ago, and Mary the Holy Queen came and was speaking to me. We both figured that since that song came into my head, while I was with her, it’d become her theme, it’s soft and gentle, yet it builds up to become a force, strong and loving, like a Mother. I think this will be of some help later on. I mean, during this, a part of me wanted to look up lustful images, and yet… I didn’t. I just stopped. As if a gentle hand simply pushed me along, and ever so softly, took me away from those vulgar and harsh images. I’m glad… I was wondering if I was worthy of any sort of spiritual help and I think I have my answer. First the calming thought that those who bring me anger, aren’t aware of what they’re doing, and now this motherly force that’s trying to save me from myself, because I didn’t know better, I didn’t know what looking at these images does for my soul. I need to understand the gravity of my actions.

Well this one is going to be short, for now, I’m trying to find the perfect bear to send Diana, and I think I did. Now all that’s left is to pay for it and find out where she lives… Oh! and find out when our anniversary is.

He that is greatest among you…

On Sept 18th, 2011, Josue visited unexpectedly, simply sat down and made demands as to how his food should be, and just complained and insulted me and then the girls. Fortunately the girls did not catch on that they were being insulted, so when I responded in kind, Sirena got mad at me, my only response was shock and anger. Shocked that should they know what Josue thought about them, they would cease all contact of them. Anger because I knew this as well as Josue and she still defended him.

Then during the Rosary, my mind was rampant with thoughts of beating him to a Pulp in many different fashions, and once again my body tensed up and I was trying to fight them off. Then finally a thought came to me, it didn’t provide me with the upmost sense of comfort, but it calmed me a bit:

Matthew 23:11-12 “But he that is greatest among you shall be your servant; And whosoever shall exalt himself shall be abased, and he that shall humble himself shall be exalted.”

Then it got me to thinking, ‘Why do they act like this?’ I’m now including John and Norm, reflecting on those moments where they act like children, and of course the children themselves ‘Surely they know what they’re doing…’ and then it hits me, ‘No, they don’t.‘ I hear. ‘So they do not know better?’ Then I think about all of the evidence that supports the answer to that question. ‘No, they don’t understand! They are not aware of what they’re doing, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do”! That’s a phrase I always pray! Of course, how could I have forgotten!?’

As soon as I had finished this thought, my anger was suppressed, yet my body was still tense from the violent thoughts. It took several breaths to calm myself down. But the rest of the night was special. Isa seemed rather affectionate and kept hugging me, as if she was sorry for some wrong that she had done, so while we played outside, we ended up watching the stars and we saw several things, from shooting stars (Isa claimed to have seen the ending of several) to what I think are UFO’s (but Sirena says aliens do not exist, heh heh) In either case, I loved it, being able to stand there with the girls, and do nothing but stargaze. I can tell that this is one of those moments that will stick with me.

Now I’m chatting with Diana, and we’re going  to send each other gifts, we’re deciding between an expansion of something we like about each other, or something we both can share. The debate continues.

“OneTake 5”

Today, We celebrated John’s birthday, with Olive Garden, and then, when we came back, my stomach was churning and twisting to the point that I thought some invisible bully punched me in the gut, and I sat in the bathroom for 20 minutes. Then we did the second day of a series of nine days, of praying a rosary at 6pm. I recognized this as the rituals we follow so that my father’s death can be blessed, so that we can be blessed due to his passing, and so that all of us can find peace. I must admit, this is rather interesting. I’m on my knees the whole time and my eyes are as closed for 96% of it, yet I find some peace slightly building up within me as we’re praying the Spanish prayers. I wonder if at the end of this series will I be at peace with my father’s passing, I mean truly, no hesitations when looking at a picture or anything.

Damn! I fell again! I saw yuri pictures! Right in the middle of writing this journal entry too! Sheesh! How pathetic am I? I read on that TalkJesus.com that someone tried fasting for 2 days, no Food nor Water and that helped him fight off the urges. I know that staying up late is what causes this, but I cannot seem to stop myself from that. Yeah I am tired, but some part of me doesn’t want to sleep just yet. Probably that same part that seeks out these lustful images and causes me to sin again and again. And here everything thinks that I’m… Well, wait a minute, who ever said that I am the purest guy out there? Sure some people say I’m a saint, but that was long ago. I guess the Empty Echo has finally reflected into my character and caused me to seem no longer like a saint.

Does this mean that if I continue losing this fight, it will reflect upon my very being and cause me to seem corrupted or evil? If this is true, then I cannot keep doing this! I have to sleep at the appropriate times and make sure I get plenty of rest, and make myself “Happy, Wealthy and Wise.” So I guess that’ll be it for this entry, I must pray my rosary for the evening and sleep.

Whew! Dodged another bullet…

Today, for whatever reason, I wondered what happened to Tila Tequila, and this almost led me to look up lesbians kissing again, but I closed it, I fought off the urge to continue looking and simply stopped there. *Exhale* I feel a bit pathetic that it’s taking me actual effort to do such things. But if I try to look at this from another light, it’s like I’m trying to be a good person every moment, so when the Devil sees this, he’s going to try to stop me from doing so, and what better way to get at me than by playing on hormones, the very substance that courses through my veins and is completely unavoidable, as I rely on it for proper growth. The Devil is a crafty Prince of Darkness, but I have to prove to myself that my soul and willpower is stronger. As I’m typing this, I have the desire to stop what I’m doing and googling keywords like “Kissing” or “Lips” “Girls” and there we go, instant lustful images.

I think over all, I should re-evaluate how my routine goes. With my father gone, it’s up to me to make sure that I do the right things, the necessary things that are asked of me. I cannot plunge myself into darkness and despair, not when there’s so much riding on me. I still hold the future and hope of so many people, heh, even some relatives have already considered me a doctor, but still, it saddens me to think that my father has passed away and I have nothing to show for it, no degree, not even attempts to try to achieve my goals. Discouraging as that may be, I know that he wouldn’t care about my progress, only that I’m able to make it, and when I do, I’m going to thank him for everything he’s done for me.

Now there’s no other option, there is only me and my goals, nothing can stand in my way. I’m going to be a doctor, by first being a nurse, and then succeed and bring honor to the family. To not let their sacrifices go in vain, to live the life I’ve always wanted, a life that’s sole purpose is to help others in any way I can.

This, I truly believe, is the purpose that was bestowed upon me, now all I have to do is see it come true.

Farewell Dad…

Sept 14th, 2011, at 1330, my father was buried at Olivewood Cemetery. Family and co-workers came to visit his grave site, and as they were crying, I was silent, as his grave was being lowered into the ground, a part of my mind, went irrational and desperately tried to overwhelm me with sorrow and despair, but I didn’t allow it, I just remained silent, as if that part of my mind was childish, and I had to put it in it’s place, and since then, I haven’t heard of that piece. I don’t know what it was, or where it came from… I can only hope that this is the last I’ll see of this ‘desperate inner child’.

So now, I have to resume my activities and do all that is required of me, particularly in matters of schooling and whatnot. I’m just one quarter away from getting my Bachelor’s and soon, I’ll have to try to see where life will take me now, the winds of change are going to send me in a whirlwind and I’m going to see my life rapidly change before my eyes. I have to try to make sure I do everything I need to do, and not allow myself to be distracted by trivial things.

Earlier, I was reading 2 emails that provided to have significant value to me, one was about self-love and how to go about doing it, the other was from the Art of Manliness (which is just plain awesome), and within it had the child archetypes that required proper guidance to become Manly archetypes. There was a total of 4 for both ages, and this email focused on the last two. Suffice to say, these two emails resonated with something within me. I have had problems with self-love on a level that I didn’t know how to fix, and the other focused on the Lover and the Warrior. The Lover was in terms of being open and optimistic about relationships with everything and everyone, from loving mother nature to having established connects with people, including oneself. The Warrior was in terms of how in one’s teenage years was clearly defined until high school ended, in which case, tests and trials are faced and the definition wasn’t as clear. Both emails mentioned about having a clear bond with oneself, about how if this bond is missing, other bonds are affected, and therefore, one winds up in all kinds of serious trouble.

Putting this with my current thoughts and situtations, my father always knew what needed to be done, even when he didn’t know the answer himself, he know what he had to do, what was necessary. He may not have all the answers or have lived the American Dream, but he was happy– no, he was joyful, he was loved, and he loved us above all things. With this in mind, I find myself realizing that my Father has accepted his fate, his life, who he was. He knew his limitations, yet refused to allow others to see him as old or weak, well this is partly due to his pride, as the Head of the family, but the point is there.

My aunts and uncles have been saying that I look buffer then before, I guess that Spartacus circuit really does work, I wonder when I’m able to continue it, and get stronger, for the sake of being useful. But firsts things first, I have to go to LSU and get my paperwork done, otherwise, I’ll be in big trouble, and have to worry a lot more than I need to. Time is once again, standing against me, and my troubles are just beginning.