Sept 14th, 2011, at 1330, my father was buried at Olivewood Cemetery. Family and co-workers came to visit his grave site, and as they were crying, I was silent, as his grave was being lowered into the ground, a part of my mind, went irrational and desperately tried to overwhelm me with sorrow and despair, but I didn’t allow it, I just remained silent, as if that part of my mind was childish, and I had to put it in it’s place, and since then, I haven’t heard of that piece. I don’t know what it was, or where it came from… I can only hope that this is the last I’ll see of this ‘desperate inner child’.
So now, I have to resume my activities and do all that is required of me, particularly in matters of schooling and whatnot. I’m just one quarter away from getting my Bachelor’s and soon, I’ll have to try to see where life will take me now, the winds of change are going to send me in a whirlwind and I’m going to see my life rapidly change before my eyes. I have to try to make sure I do everything I need to do, and not allow myself to be distracted by trivial things.
Earlier, I was reading 2 emails that provided to have significant value to me, one was about self-love and how to go about doing it, the other was from the Art of Manliness (which is just plain awesome), and within it had the child archetypes that required proper guidance to become Manly archetypes. There was a total of 4 for both ages, and this email focused on the last two. Suffice to say, these two emails resonated with something within me. I have had problems with self-love on a level that I didn’t know how to fix, and the other focused on the Lover and the Warrior. The Lover was in terms of being open and optimistic about relationships with everything and everyone, from loving mother nature to having established connects with people, including oneself. The Warrior was in terms of how in one’s teenage years was clearly defined until high school ended, in which case, tests and trials are faced and the definition wasn’t as clear. Both emails mentioned about having a clear bond with oneself, about how if this bond is missing, other bonds are affected, and therefore, one winds up in all kinds of serious trouble.
Putting this with my current thoughts and situtations, my father always knew what needed to be done, even when he didn’t know the answer himself, he know what he had to do, what was necessary. He may not have all the answers or have lived the American Dream, but he was happy– no, he was joyful, he was loved, and he loved us above all things. With this in mind, I find myself realizing that my Father has accepted his fate, his life, who he was. He knew his limitations, yet refused to allow others to see him as old or weak, well this is partly due to his pride, as the Head of the family, but the point is there.
My aunts and uncles have been saying that I look buffer then before, I guess that Spartacus circuit really does work, I wonder when I’m able to continue it, and get stronger, for the sake of being useful. But firsts things first, I have to go to LSU and get my paperwork done, otherwise, I’ll be in big trouble, and have to worry a lot more than I need to. Time is once again, standing against me, and my troubles are just beginning.