I realize now that my mind is wandering rather rampantly, with the internet’s limitless source of images and information, I believe that my mind is searching on there for the answer but is coming up with nothing, and that’s driving it to become even more desperate in it’s search. And I fear that this search will lead me down a– no, The Dark Path. The path where lustful images are displayed before me, where my thoughts go towards harming others and violent tendencies, where I give up my dreams, and fall into emptiness and find my insides fading into nothingness.
I have to find a way to calm my mind…
Sigh… I failed again, I looked up Heather Graham kissing some beautiful girl, Jessica Stroup. I stopped a few seconds after they started kissing, but I still feel like I failed it, I can hear my mind telling me to stop, and yet, I stopped only to proceed with it, and move rapidly before my mind could stop me.
What is this Void that lies within me? Why is my mind reaching through all of the wrong places? What is it that I’m trying to grasp?
Nothing new today, except I met one of the new recruits for the Security office, a girl named Real, kinda cute, with her short hair and beanie, and a little skinny, she’ll be a fine addition to the ranks.
I’ve noticed that I’m sleeping a lot lately, and I wake up so tired, I have no idea why this is, but I know it’s something I give in to. Heh, it’s funny how much discipline I’m lacking. I can read Dante’s Inferno at any time online, and yet I’m still not finished. It’s a bit discouraging, really, especially when I look back at all of the things I’ve done. I have to learn to let go of whatever it is that’s dragging me down. As soon as I can find the source, I’ll be able to feel good again. Heh, Dear Friends is helping me calm down… Hmmm… I think I’ll make a playlist and fill it up as I go along, I’ll call it ‘Candlelight’. To signify the calm and peaceful candle that is reserved. I think I have to try to focus on that. Rather than some roaring fire all of the time, I have to learn to focus my light, my energy, and be calm, like the Candle that lights the path for one: the Self.