I just wouldn’t stop. I kept searching and searching, and kept watching more and more… I’m ashamed. Is this what my father left behind, some lonely boy with his hands getting closer and closer to his crotch?

Well on the plus side, I’ve restricted my uses for those venues, so that were I to get too involved in it, it’ll kick me out and tell me to get back to work.

Today I’ve read ahead in Microbio, so that way I won’t feel so bad when I’m not paying much attention in class, I should still, but it’s proving to be rather difficult.

I’m pondering what it’s going to be like moving to a new place, well first I was trying not to think of girls, by trying to ponder and reflect over death, but that was earlier when I was doing the dishes. But it’s going to be interesting moving and not know anyone, I’d imagine that I’m going to have a lot of fun getting to know people all over again, ha ha ha, and everyone back here is getting angry at me for not spending enough time with them. Yeah, I’m not exactly a good friend in that manner. I don’t know why I’ve always kept to myself, but once I move out on my own, I’d imagine being more social, I just have to hold fast to my morals, because if I don’t, I’ll find myself in a heap of trouble. I think I should try to meet everyone at least once before I leave. This doesn’t leave me with a lot of time, but it should be fun. I think I’ll start with RCC and talk to Linda and Barbara. It’d be nice to see them again.


“Show restraint in one moment of anger, and save yourself one hundred days of regret.”

The first and most important aspect a wise person should bear is Patience. Patience encompasses all things, it allows us to stop and make time to step back and observe the world from another situation. Through patience we can learn to listen, without agitating other people, we can speak slowly and calmly and have our opinions heard, we can endure the forces of time and space with just a little patience, but, my friends, it goes far beyond that…

“Patience is bitter, but the fruit is sweet.”

In order to be patient, you have to look at simple examples throughout your life. I’m not talking about those self-help councilors who have tricks and techniques to help calm you down, no, patience is something far more than that. Simply look at the trees that are around you, it doesn’t matter whether or not that tree’s home is artificial or not, what’s important to that tree is to grow and only to grow. To extend its branches as far as it can reach and to withstand all matters of season and human interference. The tree focuses on what’s important and tolerates the rest, to trees, we are simply experiences that just happen, faces that pass by day-by-day, yet the trees do not lash out, nor do they push or shove people who are in its way. No, the trees stay and grow.

“A handful of Patience is worth more than a bushel of brains.”

Nature has patience implemented throughout the animal kingdom, the Turtle never rushes, the Spider lunges only when either desperate or certain, the Snake always waits before striking. What these animals have in common is that they understand the limited resources they have in and are willing to sacrifice for the greater good. They could never have made such a decision if they didn’t learn to simply wait, despite others attacking them, they know that recklessness leads to certain death, yet, if one simply was still, then perhaps an answer will arise. Patience allows us to not be completely consumed in the moment and therefore fail to see other alternatives, that would be much easier to take, or less painful, or even less expensive.

“A man who is a master of patience is master of everything else.”

To exercise patience, one must simply expand one’s mind beyond its limits. Or in layman’s terms, try seeing the world from other people’s perspectives, the main enemy to patience is close-mindedness. Even if it’s just, “I wonder what that guy across the street is talking about?” The very act of thinking in someone else’s way of thinking allows you to develop other alternatives besides what you’re most used to. To see the world from another perspective, you have to exercise thinking outside of your own eyes, think about how someone else is thinking/feeling, and you’ll be surprised to see as to different the same world is seen through different eyes. Thinking in manners other than your own is the first step towards becoming a wise person.

How can you do that?

Today was a rather uneventful day, I woke up, went to work at 4pm and then drove home at 8pm, but the drive was the most interesting part of my day…

I started thinking about how people have looked at me in the past and have said to me, with such certainty, that I am going to be a doctor, like it was a known fact. It boggled my mind, as if they knew that I would overcome all challenges and return to them as a hardened war veteran with scars and medals. As I’m writing this, I still find it unusual, perhaps the most unusual aspect of it, is the certainty in their voice. People have rarely spoken about things in life with such certainty, especially when the future comes to mind. Granted, you have the ‘we must do this…’ but never a ‘you will be this.’ As if they saw into my destiny and saw what I had become.

But then a voice rose in my mind, You spoke this to others as well, with the same amount of certainty. Yes, that’s true, when people were at their lowest, I spoke of potential that lied hidden within them that can surpass any of their expectations. So why are you so shocked? You’re just experiencing what they feel when you say this to them? It provided me with some comfort, but it wasn’t enough to shake off the feeling that I initially had.

Upon reflecting, I realize that when we had the family together, Mom looked at me and said, “Achieve your goal of Medicine” And, although it could be because of the situation of the time, the certainty that boggled my mind wasn’t there. She almost had in her eyes, the idea that I could fail… Failure…

Such freedom that comes with failure… To find alternative means to accomplish my goals, to find new goals and new interpretations… To be reminded that I’m human, and have myself become consumed in my struggle trying not to be… and all these things because I have failed…

I guess, I feel as if they aren’t looking at the real me, but some shadow, some image of what I should be, that’s what upsets me the most. Heh, I’ve yet to have met someone who can see me for what I really am, and with them looking at me in that fashion, I suppose it’s a painful reminder of that, of how alone I really am.

Before, I would be alright with that, but I didn’t have the problems that I have now, so now I realize that I can’t do this all on my own, yet just because they cannot understand me fully, doesn’t mean that they are not there for me… I had in my thoughts that I would never have an apartment with Norm, because he doesn’t like who I am, and to be stuck with him would be disasterous, yet, if I try… Hmmm… Because, I cannot hide who I am, and with Norm who doesn’t understand who I am and is upset by it, what can I do? My only solution is to NOT go with him… I think when we move, I’ll dorm at the University, and have Norm stay with Mom and Greggy… Well… We’ll see…

Interesting day

Today I woke up at 12pm, only to realize that Mom wanted to go to the Stores to pick out a new mattress for her bed, so I got up and was out the door in a matter of minutes. We went to Sam’s and got some stuff that we needed and were out of there with enough time for me to watch TV for 5 minutes. I also got a text from Tania, asking me to show up 15 min.s early so that she can leave to go to her appointment. I always thought she was kind of cute, but something about her seems to throw me off her scent. I think it was the way she spoke, it was alright except for the occasional slang that was thrown in here and there.

At work I received a call from Pastor Sam asking for the officer because some old, homeless guy was cursing and being disruptive, it was strange because of the randomness of it, but nothing came from it.

Heh, for my lunch, I asked Ashley what she wanted, to pay her back for bringing me a burger last time, and after a little interrogation, She finally requested some Jalapeno Poppers from Jack-In-The-Box. So I was driving and arrived at the cashier asking for some Jalapeno poppers, and to her surprised look,  she told me that they don’t carry them, because I was in Carl’s Jr, also that Del Taco might have some. So I left and went to the Drive-thru at Del Taco, only to be trapped when they told me that they didn’t have any either, so I finally reached Jack-In-The-Box, and got the Jalapeno poppers for Ashley and got an Outlaw burger for myself, I barely got back to work in time. Upon reflecting, I should have just gone from Carl’s straight to Jack-In-The-Box. I have no idea why my mind forgot where Jack’s is and have decided rather than go straight to Jack have another ‘brilliant’ plan and try something else. Well Ashely and I had a good laugh about it.

I was stumbling later on and came across a video about Aliens and crop images, and one came out with a message that was able to be translated through Binary, it referrenced False Prophets and gift-bearing liars. I thought it was interesting because there was an image along with it, which resembled the classic alien face that we all knew. It just makes me think that while we’re getting all this information, either for good or bad, I think we’re missing something vital, and this is going to be needed when the time comes…

Chasing the Sunset

Today, everything was going well, except for the fact that I was tired enough to fall asleep while watching Yu Yu Hakusho with Norm and Greggy. When I driving to work, I realized that I had just missed the sunset, by a significant amount of time, and during the drive, I was hoping that I’d be able to see it before it descended into the mountains, but I was too late.

Today just a few minutes ago, I looked up kissing again, hoping that I’d catch something, in which case I did, something called ‘Standing Still’ which featured one girl trying to seduce another girl the night before her wedding. I also saw random clips of other girls kissing, but nothing too far. Soon after I started looking up dating websites, not registering but just seeing what was out there. Upon reflecting, it became obvious to me that my desire to look up women kissing leads me to looking up girls to date, yet I know that I will not try anything, and an inner fear comes over me, it’s rather strange… I think it’s my libido trying to find something to unleash upon. I cannot let that happen at any time before the time I have designated to be the correct time. This is only making me worried that while dating, I might jump into making mistakes, spur of the moment, and that can lead to a LOT of problems.

I modified my public post, it is now called Pearls of Wisdom, and for the little image it’s the Matrix from Transformers, in a Motivational Poster design, it’s pretty cool. Well I have to get some rest now, because I have a quiz tomorrow, and no reason in pushing myself up so late tonight.

The Walking Dead

The Walking Dead is back! I’m watching it as I’m typing it right now, I love this series! I’m glad that it’s back. And all I can do is talk with my bros about what we would do were we in that situation. I love it!

Watch your thoughts, they become words. Watch your words, they become actions. Watch your actions, they become habits. Watch your habits, they become character. Watch your character, it becomes your Destiny

Written by Lao Tzu, or possibly Upanishads, One of my favorite quotes.

This quote reminds us that each and every action that we perform, form the grand to the miniscule, has an effect on our lives and our character. Say a man reads the bible every day, although he may not have the entire book memorized, he will slowly become a better person for it, or slowly become worse. It’s the concept of constant reinforcement, however small, that eventually forges us into who we are. They say “a drop of water hollows out the great stone” and that has ties with people as well. It’s your basic form of education, by exposing children to intellectual, artistic, philosophical things, they will eventually begin to develop strong feelings for it, one way or another.

Another thing that this quote does is how it is spoken. Watch your thoughts… Watch your words… etc. This quote is directed at You, Indicating that you are in control of your life, you are the one who must be cautious of your actions. This quote is saying that just one action, just one impulse can start a chain reaction. Say you stole a candy bar when you’re 7 years old. that thrill and the savory reward afterwards, soon, you’ll want something more than just a candy bar, you’ll want a toy, then a Bike, then a Car, etc. Next thing you notice, you’re sitting with your head in your hands, pondering where and when it all went wrong, and if not you, then someone close to you will be doing this.

Yet it can go completely the other way if you realize the gravity of your actions. Sure, a candy bar means nothing, but the act of stealing and what it can lead to. You are in control of your own destiny, by being in control of your own character. You can control your own character, by being in control of your own habits, You can control your habits by bring in control of your actions, and you can control your actions by being in control of your words. You can control your words by being in control of your very thoughts.

Everything about you is in your control, there’s nothing stopping you from committing your most heinous crime, but there’s also nothing stopping you from being a bigger humanitarian than Mother Theresa. All it takes is a single thought. A spark, if you will, something that’s very small, “Take it.” “Leave it.” “Stand up.” “Speak.” It’s amazing to think about it, one word, one action, one small ideal, that can change you for the rest of your life. That thought is the single drop, and our Destiny is the stone it hollows.