How can you do that?

Today was a rather uneventful day, I woke up, went to work at 4pm and then drove home at 8pm, but the drive was the most interesting part of my day…

I started thinking about how people have looked at me in the past and have said to me, with such certainty, that I am going to be a doctor, like it was a known fact. It boggled my mind, as if they knew that I would overcome all challenges and return to them as a hardened war veteran with scars and medals. As I’m writing this, I still find it unusual, perhaps the most unusual aspect of it, is the certainty in their voice. People have rarely spoken about things in life with such certainty, especially when the future comes to mind. Granted, you have the ‘we must do this…’ but never a ‘you will be this.’ As if they saw into my destiny and saw what I had become.

But then a voice rose in my mind, You spoke this to others as well, with the same amount of certainty. Yes, that’s true, when people were at their lowest, I spoke of potential that lied hidden within them that can surpass any of their expectations. So why are you so shocked? You’re just experiencing what they feel when you say this to them? It provided me with some comfort, but it wasn’t enough to shake off the feeling that I initially had.

Upon reflecting, I realize that when we had the family together, Mom looked at me and said, “Achieve your goal of Medicine” And, although it could be because of the situation of the time, the certainty that boggled my mind wasn’t there. She almost had in her eyes, the idea that I could fail… Failure…

Such freedom that comes with failure… To find alternative means to accomplish my goals, to find new goals and new interpretations… To be reminded that I’m human, and have myself become consumed in my struggle trying not to be… and all these things because I have failed…

I guess, I feel as if they aren’t looking at the real me, but some shadow, some image of what I should be, that’s what upsets me the most. Heh, I’ve yet to have met someone who can see me for what I really am, and with them looking at me in that fashion, I suppose it’s a painful reminder of that, of how alone I really am.

Before, I would be alright with that, but I didn’t have the problems that I have now, so now I realize that I can’t do this all on my own, yet just because they cannot understand me fully, doesn’t mean that they are not there for me… I had in my thoughts that I would never have an apartment with Norm, because he doesn’t like who I am, and to be stuck with him would be disasterous, yet, if I try… Hmmm… Because, I cannot hide who I am, and with Norm who doesn’t understand who I am and is upset by it, what can I do? My only solution is to NOT go with him… I think when we move, I’ll dorm at the University, and have Norm stay with Mom and Greggy… Well… We’ll see…

This entry was posted in Journal.

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