Looking towards what lies ahead

It’s Friday the 23rd, and Christmas Eve is tomorrow. With this in mind, I find myself looking at what’s going to happen next year…

I know that I will start searching for means and methods to improve my own life, Exercising, Volunteering, Shadowing doctors, along with picking up new habits like reading. I’m going to watch less T.V. and video games and random internet surfing, and I’m going to try to improve my qualities as a person.

Something has happened…

Norm came in and asked if I’d be interested in going somewhere in celebration of New Year’s, now the holiday itself doesn’t really hold much value in our family, except for a special feast we prepare, but otherwise it’s just like any other day. For me, personally, I always made it my own tradition to see the first sunrise of the New Year. Initially I was inclined to say no, but  after brainstorming some details, like “Where” and “How”, I agreed. We ran the plan with Greggy, who also agreed more easily than I did. But my main concern was how was our Mother going to be watched over?

She was alright with the idea of us leaving for New Year’s as she is always asleep WAY before the actual celebration and looks forward towards the Rose Parades, while the rest of us would be asleep from exhaustion.

When presented with the idea, I realize that I had a fear of something happen to her, then I remembered that she has told me that I shouldn’t fear to venture out and have fun, once in a while. Now I have no problems going out, my main concern is who I’m leaving behind. She was one of the most important people in my life right now, and I still have retained that fear of leaving her behind, it’s almost as if I’m scared that she won’t be there when I come back. The fear itself is irrational, as she’s one of the strongest people I know, Hell, she survived the pain of her Husband’s Death!

So why did I think that she’ll instantly die of heartbreak were I to leave for a couple of days? I suppose that I didn’t want to show any indication that I might be turning into one of my brothers in her eyes, and now that I’ve said this out loud, I can reassure myself that she will never have that image in my mind simply because I’m nothing like my brothers in almost every sense. So I should have no fear of having others see me in such a light.

I have to focus on who I am, be certain in who I am. Every step that I take is a step no one else has taken, especially not my brothers. I am me, Red, No one else can make this claim! This is MY life, given to me by God! And I will see this life to the very end, bitter or not, in red-hot flames or in a gray scene with age. Either case, I will see it to the end, I’m almost reaching a quarter of a century as a Good person, and I will not stop there. I will live a good life, or die trying.

Yet, in the Range of being a Good man, there’s nothing that says, I shouldn’t venture out and have fun, so long as I’m not hurting myself or anyone else, I should pursue all opportunities, with Bravery and Optimism, not with irrational fears like what I displayed earlier that just shows I have no faith in my knowledge of others as well as their abilities. I’m a better man than that. The world can survive if I’m not there, it had before and nothing is stopping it from happening again.

Very well then, I will bear no regrets in going to Vegas, after all there are family members who can watch over my Mother incase anything happens, and they are well equipped, more than I give them credit for.

I can’t let fear stop me from living life. After all, we weren’t placed on this planet just to be ruled by our fears.

This entry was posted in Journal.

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