July 6th… That is the day of my MCAT, July 6th… Judgement Day… D-Day… The day where I put it all on the line. When I walk into a room and show what I’ve retained after 6 months of review and studying.
Heh heh, at the current moment my mental legs are shaking at the idea…
“We are our harshest critic” and I’m not exception to this, my mind is flooded with ideas such as, ‘What if it’s not enough?‘ or ‘Did you really study all this time?‘ or worse yet, ‘Do you really think you’re ready for this?’
Thoughts like these are now happening more and more frequently. It’s as if, storm clouds are gathering on the Horizon, and settling right over San Diego, the place of my Test. As they get larger and more ominous, they represent self-examining questions, doubts, concerns, and their frequency is proportional to their size, needless to say, the larger they get, the more often I have self-doubts.
But that’s the thing, isn’t it?
That’s the point. That’s the stereotypical ‘odds stacked against me’. I mean, I’m the 7th child of a (now deceased) Steel Worker and a Ailing housewife, no one in my entire family tree has ever done anything this grand, this time-consuming, nor this expensive, save for raising a family. I’m practically trying to change the World just by aiming this high, and the fact that I don’t have much help in terms of advice and direction, is only making this more and more uphill.
So with all this in mind, I feel like the Hero of a story, suddenly realizing himself in a strange world, with strange people, doing things no one thought he could do, not even him. Standing alone against all the hypocrisy, all the Darkness in people’s hearts, and defying all those who doubt him.
It’s unknown how the story will really end, simply because, this isn’t a story, it’s a Life. It’s my Life. And the conclusion has not been determined yet. Sure, it’s common to say that I’ll make it, beat the odds and remain triumphant over all the obstacles that were before me. But that’s just being… Silly. The fact of the matter is, that at any given moment in time, I can fail and lose everything, this story can end instantly. Heck, I can get hit by a bus tomorrow!
…… But I haven’t…
The story hasn’t ended yet… The journey isn’t over… I’m not done yet… I have to keep going… I can’t give up. There’s no reason to! My father would smack me over the head and say, “So what if there are clouds? Get an umbrella, Taras!” He never saw the point in pondering over the inevitable future, he simply did what was supposed to be done. One would almost say, he had no doubts, but I know better, he simply knew how to hide them from those who looked up to him.
And that’s what I have to do now.
I have to not show my doubts, my fears, my hands must be steady and my voice firm. I must stand tall, and have my head held high, because the world isn’t going to wait for me to develop the actual confidence to do anything of these things for certain, it’ll simply yell out, “Heads up!” and launch a barrage at me. There’s no time to get doubtful nor scared. The man dying before me, isn’t going to have much time for me to think about how to help him, I simply have to act. Follow my gut, Do what I know is right! and Worrying about metaphorical storm clouds isn’t doing anything for me, save costing me some sleep!
I’m not going to walk towards those clouds in a dramatic manner, I’m going to freakin’ run through them!