Yesterday, my family and I were cleaning the house and while I was dismantling a rusting, metallic structure, my brother was throwing some garbage in the dumpster, and then a guy pulled over.
He asked if someone with my father’s name lives here. My brother told him that my father had passed away, and started talking to him. After sometime, I walked over as well, and as it turns out, the guy had worked with my father, when he had a second job as a Pizza Delivery driver.
The Guy went on and said that all my father would talk about was his children, and when asked (by him) why was he working so hard, my father replied, “To keep my family happy.” After the guy left, I was pondering to myself…
How will I be remembered after I’m gone?
My father was remembered as the man who worked hard for his family. What will I be known as? The Clown? The Know-it-all? The Baby? The Guy who aimed high and failed?
*shudder* I don’t want to think about that last one…
Heh, I guess at this point the question shall forever remain rhetorical, because simply enough, I won’t be around to be remembered. All I can do is be myself and if that’s something that causes people to remember bad memories of me, then so be it. I cannot please everyone, nor should I try, simply because there’s bound to be someone who doesn’t like me for reasons unknown. And who am I to change their opinion?
Suffice to say, I will never know the answer to this question. I guess everyone will have their own answers, I can only hope that I can make them have that little smirk, when they’re remembering me.
Of anything else, I want that smile because it signifies a special, or hopefully hilarious, memory of me, or of something that occurred that’s attached to me. Either by words or by deeds, I would like to have that smile brought upon everyone’s face when they’re remembering me, I hate disappointing people, that feeling just kills me, and I hate making people sad or cry, there were times when I had to, not through pain, but through the breaking of barriers and the opening of closed hearts, revealing to themselves an emotion that they have never felt before.
I realize now that, I’m still a young man, and that I’m not going to know what to do all the time, nor will I ever be the strong person that I want to be. My youth is still present within me, and I still need to mature over time. I may joke about Death and Life, thinking it’s a game, and it is at times, but I know that my current level of knowledge about both are that of a Child’s, full of mystery and wonder, innocent and somewhat naive of the true nature of Reality. But as time passes, I will start putting away my childish thinking, I will eventually start to lose that spark, that bit of wonder in this world.
But I can’t lose it completely…
There are going to be a lot of reality checks thrown in my face, but that’s a sign that I need to hold on to that child-like faith with more force than I can ever muster. Simply because “Life has a purpose, and its purpose is Life.”