Today is the day before the MCAT, I’m currently in San Diego in a hotel room, and surprizingly all by myself. I’ve never had a room to myself, ever! This is fascinating! I can do whatever I want and I’m the only one here!
OK all that aside, throughout the entire day today, I was nervous, head downward, walking around my hand moving the skin on my forehead back and forth, thinking, pondering, worrying. Stressing over how I’m going to study on my last day before the exam. I was filled with doubts and questions, “What if I don’t do well?”, “What if I perform poorly and let everyone down?”, “What if 6 months isn’t enough for someone like me?” and so on. Basically, I was giving in to self-doubts like I said I wouldn’t. And so I tried to review and study, I found this website that had the entire mechanisms from Orgo, heh, it was all right there, the easiest way to put it together and on the last day, I’ve found it. Figures…
So as I was trying to focus and observe/learn the formulas and path ways, I can feel the anxiety building, so I went to the NF chat seeking at least an open ear. And when I was explaining my situation, one of the members, Shukar, calmed me down, by telling me that worrying in of itself, is a pointless act that will not change the outcome of the test tomorrow. Panicking right at the very end will only make me suffer and not improve my knowledge at all, so I must learn to calm down.
Sound advice, right? Once I read it, I found that it was something I would say to a friend who would be in the same situation!
But I still couldn’t shake it, I was greatly comforted but not completely, and so I went into a Mediterranean restaurant to eat some dinner and after I ordered my food, I was back to having my head in my hands, thinking, “What if… What if…” and then something sparked within me, “… How often will you be in a room by yourself?” and then another spark, “How often will anyone say that they’ve come this far?” “What’s going on?” “Do you realize where you are? How far you’ve gone? What you’ve seen, done, felt, and experienced?!”
A smile slowly grows on my face…
I have,… haven’t I? I have come a long ways from where I’ve originated… from where anyone with my blood has come. “How often will I have a chance to stand up and prove myself?” It strangely provided me with comfort, I was chuckling to myself in the middle of the restaurant. “Yes, I will take this opportunity and make it mine! I will prove myself to this world! I will make my stand here!” I felt inspired, like I can take it then and there. I’m good. I’m ready, although, I also feel like I’m walking towards my own impending doom.
That dark cave that hides the grand beast that is causing pain and turmoil, over the entire land and wants nothing more than to sate it’s own thirst for destruction. And I’m the one who stands before it, with the potential to save the world or be crushed along with it.
OK, so it’s a bit much, but still, everyone is the center of their own story, and this is mine. These pages are full of my thoughts and words, so these are it. Despair or Joy, it’s all here. My reflections. My thoughts. My weird sense of humor. Which reminds me, today for lunch, I went to a Chinese buffet and when I finished I grabbed my fortune cookie and it read:
Pack your bags, You are bound for an exciting destination to the far east
And my thoughts immediately after: “GASP! The Caribbeans are east of me!!” So that sorta lifted my spirits in some vague sense of affirmation. Meh, it’s not much but it was something to laugh at.
OK it’s about to be midnight now, I was hoping to get a chance to write something to my readers, but I guess that’ll wait for another time. I’m going to try to sleep and not think about tomorrow. Heh… Ha ha ha…