Unfulfilled

“One can never plan for Crazy…”

I read this in a thread pertaining to the Colorado Massacre, how no matter what you do, either carry a gun with you or become in so fit a shape you can take down anyone in 15 seconds, you cannot really plan for the seemingly spontaneous, for the moment ‘something snaps’ within someone, nor for the moment the world has decided to take a drastic turn for the worse.

And with such situations, I’m curious as to what is going on in someone’s mind at the very end.  Yes, that is rather disturbing, because I even thought this with my father as well, who fell to his death. But what caused this to come to mind at the moment, besides all of the dark songs that are curiously playing right now, is a post on Help.com, a website I regularly visit, where people post their problems online, seeking answers, and one such post was from someone I know online, she posted that she felt her life was unfulfilled, tying that with my recent reading of the Colorado Massacre, caused my thinking to take a left turn. Now my thoughts go towards pondering what the last thoughts were of those people who died, even of the gunman who apparently was a candidate for a field in neurology. This individual is practically everything I want to be, so it eludes me why would he do such a thing, from Scientist to Murder, in one night… Sorry, I’m digressing.

I really wondered about what things in life people wished they had done before they meet their end, however unexpectedly. Were they in the process of it? Or had they kept putting it off due to compromises and circumstances? If someone shot me dead right now, how much regret would I be filled with?

The answer is: A Lot. Plain and simple. I’ve always tried to make sure I am good with people, often trying to be honest and tactful, so there’s really nothing left unsaid between us. Yet in terms of what I wanted to do, to see, to experience, those categories are rather lacking.

Needless to say, my life is rather unfulfilled.

I’m often associated with potential and never-been-done-before achievements, with my goals and current progress, yet, in terms of making my own life interesting, I have nothing. I don’t have many experiences that solidify my own self, that don’t allow me to really stand my ground. I mean, it’s my current interests that have allowed me my rules and honors and beliefs, yet, very few experiences have given me reason enough to really give them strength. For example, I know it’s wrong to pollute, yet I’ve never stood at a monument that completely surrounded me with a sense of awe, and wonder, and the sense that “This is the power of Nature”. I feel should I experience such a feeling, I would be more adamant about not throwing things away.

I guess, my point really is that, I want to live life on my own terms, yet I’m currently restricted through circumstances. Yet, regardless of whatever circumstances I am in, I’m going to try to be as honorable and respectful as possible, even if it’s menial work, or talking to someone I greatly dislike. That way, should I die an early death, I can say, “I didn’t get a chance to do everything, but I at least was honorable about what I did do.” Or something to that extent.

I guess, as my heart goes out to those who have lost their lives, I hope that I’m able to live life in their honor, by doing the things I’ve always wanted to do, because they can’t anymore. Their goals will remain unfulfilled, their experiences no longer will be felt by them, and all of their efforts and potentials, will remain unknown, if not forgotten… I hope I’m able to make it… I want to fulfill my goals before death finally catches up with me. I want to make this world better, if only for one person.

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