I’m not lost in my own world, I’m simply enjoying the journey

Wind, Rain, Thunder and Lightning, Blackouts, and things thrown about. That pretty much sums up my day today.

The canopy in the backyard tipped over, with the cover torn apart by the wind, and the moment I saw that, I had to pull it back into the backyard before it tipped over completely and into the crowded street, so then, I had to pull out the now-torn top, remove the legs of the skeletal canopy so it can be easily maintained, and not be high enough off the ground to be struck by lightning.

Right when I came back inside, it turns out Mom’s room had lost power, and for fear that something had fallen upon me, was deciding to go down the stairs, oxygen tank in hand. Luckily, her reasoning stopped her and she simply waited for me to hear her. I checked the fuses and gave her power back to her room, and when I went to check on her, she was somewhat concerned, and I’m sitting in front of her, covered in dirt and sweat and this huge grin is on my face.

Usually during a disaster, I always feel like, I’m wired backwards, I’m completely fascinated by Forces of  Nature, by emergencies that happen seemingly at random and unexpected times. While working on the canopy, trying to prevent it from falling on some unsuspecting victim, I was laughing and smiling. While I was checking the house during the blackout which happened after the above event, I was singing! “Dream A Little Dream of Me” by Michael Bublé. A good song, yet unfitting for the storm, I usually sing “Singing in the Rain” but, alas, there was hardly any rain to sing to.

Ha ha ha! I love it! Granted it’s a terrible situation to find oneself in, especially when there’s so many circumstances when one needs electricity to live, yet, I find myself relishing the moment. My mind moves faster, blood starts to flow as my heart begins to speed up, my senses are heightened and I’m in the state of Fight or Flight, and against the Forces of Nature, boy, do I love to fight!

I find myself the sort of man, who enjoys raises his hands when the wind is blowing the hardest, who stands his ground when the tide and the waves try to push him, who remains still and watches the flames dance on the wood, who  stares at the stars, simply to acknowledge them and hopefully be acknowledged in return.

I’m not an environmentalist, although I know that the world can live perfectly fine without us, yet we cannot live without the world. I’m… a guy with simple tastes, the things I like are cheap, and it doesn’t take much money to make me smile. I’m a sentimental person, and possess only so much, and I don’t plan on having much more, perhaps a few things, but I’m no collector, as a guy, I have no tastes in fancy/fast cars, nor any other such big toys. A meal is a meal regardless if it’s made professionally or not, a cup of Ramen tastes just as good as the Carl’s Jr. $6 burger.

Heh, I feel like I’m writing on a dating website…

The point is that I am fully aware of how I feel about Life and everything in it, and I’m completely aware of how different it is from how other people define their lives, and it’s because of this gap between them and myself that I find both frustration and solace, more of the latter than of the former.

I am a weird guy, that’s just it, I cannot change that. Today’s storm reminded me of how distant our worlds really are, and I cannot forget that, because it’s due to that distance that I will have all of the reserves needed to do what I need to do, because my actions won’t make sense in the eyes of others nor will my reasons for doing so, until they understand why. Until they can do that, I’ll always be weird, or in Spanish, Preternatural, extraño, raro, destino.

Not sure how destino fits in there, but I like it.

This is truly a wonderful universe, having various worlds of different corners overlapped, in such a way that it almost feels like we’re all living on the same planet.


There is a moment, a moment in time when you find yourself overwhelmed but a sensation… A sensation that envelopes you in such feelings that you become completely consumed by it. Your senses are overwhelmed by said sensation to the point that you had no idea how you were existing in the first place…

This is the moment when all of the rest of Time rests upon you. I believe that you can quite literally change History for the rest of time with this action, well at least Your history. To change how the story goes on the fly, what an amazing thing to have happen to one’s life.

So I propose a Question…

If one is able to make such a change in his own life, would that cause other people to change their lives for the better?

The answer should be a solid, undeniable “Yes”!

We are all tied together by a singular energy, a force that drives all of us. Marcus Aurelius said it best,

“All things are woven together and the common bond is sacred, and scarcely one thing is foreign to another, for they have been arranged together in their places and together make the same ordered Universe. For there is one Universe out of all, one God through all, one substance and one law, one common Reason of all intelligent creatures and one Truth. Frequently consider the connection of all things in the universe.
We should not say ‘I am an Athenian’ or ‘I am a Roman’ but ‘I am a citizen of the Universe.”

So when someone is overcome with a feeling of, not happiness, but Joy, she/he would be walking around with his/her head held high, a broad smile across the face, and this would have an effect on the people around them. They’d start smiling themselves, if only a little bit, and their day feels a bit brighter for just interacting with the joyful individual, all the while not knowing why. But the hidden truth is that the joyful energy of the individual spreads to others, without anyone’s notice, and thanks to that singular universal bond we all share, there is no barrier to stop it.

So I’m curious, if one can do that without realizing it, can one also attempt to harness that ‘transfer’ ability and purposefully give other people one’s own energy?

I guess that’s a rather difficult question to answer, because you can’t force Joy unto others, it comes naturally. The opened hand receives while the fist remains closed to the world. I suppose, all one can do is just stay true and honest to everyone including oneself, and with that, others will feel a sense of honesty, or at least feel threatened by one because they’re scared of what he thinks…

Heh, this post was a complete bust, I’m starting to ramble, when I wanted to continue reflecting on my previous post. Meh… I’ll get it next time… I think… I’m tired… my thoughts are scrambled and too random to continue… I’ll see you later… Heh, I’m out of energy… Heh heh heh…

“It is your turn to save the world”

I wrote this on a UNICEF Post-it at 0113 hours this morning, after my rosary, in the dark, right before I went to sleep.

Before I wrote this, I was in the middle of my rosary, thinking about my purpose. What I intend to do with all of the responsibilities and ‘powers’ of being a doctor, and how exactly I’m going to do it. I’ve always planned to become an asset for UNICEF, by donating as much Time, Energy, and Money as possible… Yet, I cannot see a plan forming between paying for Loans and other things, Saving money, and making regular activities for UNICEF, all while diving into helping others as much as I can via Giuseppe Moscatii, by inviting those who have nothing to pay with, into my own home. So then I remembered the KoC, and I wondered how they do charities, and would they be able to allow me to perform charities of my own, or at least help me in these manners. And as the rosary kept going, I remembered inspiring quotes from XKCD, a rather fascinating web comic, and one that resonated with me was, “We’re grown-ups, and it’s our turn to decide what that means.” Although the comic was written some time ago and was funny as a whole, those words stayed with me, and started to blend with those feelings of charity that were floating above my head.

And soon, I started to imagine myself in an interview, faced with the question of, “Why do you want to become a doctor?” Granted everyone wants to help people, but what makes YOU (or me, rather) so different? and why take the path of a doctor? You (Me) can help so many others through other means, like Fireman, Police, Nurse, etc. Why be a doctor?

Brutal questions, to say the least, but I started forming my answer…

… But something’s wrong… It’s broken up, bits and pieces… It’s… incomplete. This is what I have so far.

I want to become a doctor, because I want to be able to help people, not just in this hospital, but throughout the world… My desires to help others stem from my own background, when I was one of them, I was on the other side of this interaction, and because I still have that experience I can provide the best services to everyone… I’ve suffered the pain of loss, so I do not have grandeur dreams of being able to save everyone who crosses my path, yet I will try to help as many people as possible… Because I want to be someone who can be an example to all of the people, and with the authority of a doctor I can help people… It’s my turn now to decide how I am going to do this…

…And that’s all I got. That’s pretty discouraging, seeing that the fact that I’ve more than enough experiences to inspire me to pursue this to the bitter end, yet, my answer is still incomplete, I’m still missing something. And as I approach the end of the rosary, all these thoughts and reflections start blending together, and eventually, I came up with this:


… ‘Save the world’? Heh, who am I to save anything? But that’s the problem, isn’t it? I’ve always cut myself too short. I have these desires, this heart that wants to help people, the experiences that help me form who I am, I have no dreams of prestige nor of wealth nor of infamy. I just want to help. I want to be a good man, I want to embody the song ‘Simple Man’ by Lynard Skynard. I want to see the world and help people along the way, I want this world to be a better place leaving it than coming into it.

I’ll write more about this next time. For now, I need to sleep.

Feeling too comfortable…

It’s been weeks since my MCAT test… or failure for that matter… And as time pass, I find myself feeling… comfortable.

Comfort in this less-than-average existence, comfort in living as a leech and not aiming for the Stars, comfort in not going out and exploring my options. I’m comfortable where I’m at, at this very moment.

… What a terrible and horrid feeling this is…

Yes, it is terrible to feel comfortable, because at this point I’m no where near doing anything I wanted to do in my life. I’m not helping people, I’m not risking anything, I’m not improving my own life nor the lives of others. I’ve become stagnant, tranquil, apathetic.

A chemical reaction is a display of furious energy displaced on various scales, yet when it has reached perfect balance, what is observed is nothing the fury of reactions that once dazzled the sky has finished and all that is left is simply dust settling. A Grand Flame is the result of an insatiable beast growing and rising challenging all, and defying Life and Death as it takes wave after wave of watery attacks only to seem unstoppable, yet, then all of the wood has turned to ashes, when all it can feast upon are gone, where is the beast? A soldier in battle fights, not for the cause of the politician, but fights for his family back home, for his friends who are beside him on the battlefield. Stone, steel, mortar, bullet, fire, fists, he braves them all for the sake of his return home. And yet, when he does… He feels as if he’s lost something back there, something in the fog of war, something stolen by his fallen friends and enemies alike, and all he is left with is loss and regret.

I feel like I’m standing in quicksand. I’m sinking slowly and I’m afraid that when I realize that I’ll die, it’ll be too late for me to pull myself out. Has one event deterred me from all further attempts? Why am I so comfortable then? What happened to that Burning passion that lay within?

I remember this feeling made me feel like I had to run half of the time. Just bolt, not knowing where, but wherever I was headed, that was where I needed to go.

I need to remind myself of that feeling again. That imbalance that causes a ferocious display of energy and enthusiasm. I need to set myself on fire again and Run! I also need to find out what’s causing me to be in such a sorry state. Am I tired? Burned out? What could it be? I have more than enough motivation to inspire 10 people! Yet all I want to is just sit still and fade away… Fade into the wind like the ashes of my past did… Be forgotten in the rivers of time… Such a sweet death, nice and quiet… To have my fate unknown by everyone…

Except I will know…

I will know that I gave up, that I’d quit my dreams, that not only will I not make this world a better place, but I will add to it by becoming a blank face among the sea of neutrality.

Heh, I guess it’s a good thing to start feeling angry at such thoughts. But anger isn’t the right emotion, because anger is negative, I should start feeling passionate about doing something with my life. Passion is what truly cases one to move forward, passion is what lies in the heart of all those who vow to change the world, and without passion, we become apathetic, still, neutral.

Life isn’t meant to be comfortable in mediocrity. Ships and sailors aren’t hardened by smooth sailing. a good Sword and a good Soul aren’t made, they’re forged. Ayn Rand put it best,

Do not let the fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the Hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desire can be won. It exists. It is real. It is possible. It is yours” – Ayn Rand

A Rather Interesting Week… So far…

Sunday of this week, the Tire blew out on the new Van, we had to call someone to get it lifted high enough to have it changed, then the following day, I went to Sam’s Club to have it change, and it turns out that they were all Firestone tires, and the mechanic had to break a couple of Lug nuts just to change them, and today, when I was trying to get it to Riverside to let it have it’s tune up, and the damn thing breaks down on me, so I had to call in a Tow truck to get it to a dealership to get it fixed, and now we’ve reached the middle of the week, and there’s a phrase that goes, “After Monday and Tuesday, even the week goes W T F” and, although I never say ‘wtf’ I’m seeing more and more it’s ability to cover what has transpired throughout the week. Siiiiigh…. What a week!

Interestingly enough, with almost every person I had interacted with, there was a conversation about how the world has come to days when no one is honest anymore, when you can trust a man to do his job and not worry about trying to steal from anyone. Days when people looked at each other in the eyes and smiled with honesty, days when children were not afraid to play with others in their neighborhoods, days when the lines dividing friends and family almost always blurred, and meals were to be had by all.

Everyone worked, no one slacked… heh, even children worked in those days.

And it’s strange to think that those days were so far away, ancient history to some, and just a few short years past, for others. Quite honestly, I want to be one of those who can look people in the eyes and smile without any hesitation. To be able to face any chore, challenge, and activity with equal enthusiasm and energy.

You know what, something interesting happened to me today, while waiting for the tow truck guy, I was overcame with a feeling that I haven’t felt in quite some time… Helplessness. And whenever I’m faced with said helpless feeling, I laugh.

I just simply laugh…

I laugh at my situation, however out of my control it may be, I laugh at it…

I’ve always found it to be my best weapon against stress and frustration, and as far as I can tell, it’s what separates me from a LOT of people, while others clench their fists as well as their teeth, my hands are opened  and my smile is broad. While people lower their heads, my head flies back in roars, others growl and I guffaw.

However, the answer eludes me when the question of why I’m laughing at my own helplessness, I just do. I think I like the fact that I still don’t know, that I know why I do this. It protects it from me from the chances that I over analyze it and thus, completely ruin it for myself. It’s always good to let Life have some mysteries, otherwise, all curiosity will cease to be and we’ll all become desolate and boring.

Bah, I’m rambling. I’ll end this here.

The Red Pawn

I’ve always thought that the question of whether or not there was Free Will was answered with the idea that One is the Pawn, only able to move in one direction: forward in time; and that God was the Chess player, outside of the rules of the game, yet allowing Himself to be subjected to it, and all the while, as a good Chess player, seeing every single possible move the Pawn can make, involving every single possible outcome. Now where Free will comes in is that gap that lies within the Pawn and the Chessboard. While God does truly indeed see every outcome the Pawn can make with any move, God doesn’t move the Pawn. The Pawn can be influenced, subjected to, directed, manipulated, even instructed into making a move, but that ultimate decision is left solely to the Pawn. The Pawn, while subject to all the aspects and laws of the Game, like Physics and Gravity, always has the power to move in any means he/she thinks should be done. While Destiny lies in every move thought out and predicted by God the Chess player, Free will is no illusion as the Pawn takes another step forward, either under some sort of influence or not, the Pawn makes each step as his/her own decision.

I was watching Bedazzled, with the Lovely Elizabeth Hurley as the Devil, and one of the cell mates say something rather interesting, pertaining to one’s soul…

“It belongs to God. That universal spirit that animates and binds all things in existence. The Devil’s gonna try to confuse you, that’s her game. But in the end, you’re gonna see clear to who and what you are, and what you’re here to do. Now, you gonna make some mistakes along the way, everybody does. But if you just open up your heart, and open up your mind, you’ll get it.”

Given my recent turn of thought-provoking events, that last piece echoed with me. If one allows oneself to be consumed by the Grace of God, then the Pawn will be able to see the moves that God sees, and take the right path on the Chessboard. The Pawn WILL make mistakes, because the Pawn is ultimately human, and can’t possibly see in to the future, so he’s/she’s bound to stumble, both literally and metaphorically, but the idea is that God hasn’t given up on the Pawn, regardless of whatever shortcomings.

So one has to decide which move is the right one, and whether or not, the last move was a good one or not, because as Pawns, we can only move forward, we are bound by the direction of Time and thus, cannot go back, the game is still going because every decision we make is a move on the board whether we move forward or not.

Therefore, all of us are Pawns until the very end, when the game is over and we’ve reached the other side of the board, will we finally see what we ultimately become with all of our hard work and suffering, and the other Pawns will look to us and see what we truly were: a Rook, or a Bishop, or even a Knight, or if one was exceptionally well in life, a true King or Queen…