One week from today, I will be going to a class at 8:30 PM at UCR, It’s a class that helps you by teaching you about the MCAT, and preparing for it. From the Princeton Review company, I will attend their class from Monday to Thursday, for the next several weeks.
The class costs $2099, and how was I able to come up with the money? I asked for help.
At the intervention of my sister, I was reminded by her and by my Mother, that it’s ok to ask for help, especially for things that will assist me on my path to Medical school. The money is no problem, but for me, I’m hesitant, extremely hesitant in asking for help, particularly in asking for money.
Heh, to speak the truth, it’s irrational, completely irrational, but let me try to reason it out.
I have this fear that if I asked for money/a Favor, and I don’t keep up my end of the bargain, ie. I fail the class or I can’t pay them back at the agreed time, then they get disappointed, people who trust me, get disappointed in me, I feel as if I’ve violated their trust, regardless of the fact that it’s something over something trivial or not.
I think it goes back to high school, with an old friend of mine, who I can honestly say I was in love with at the time. We lived close together, so we hung out a lot, we were really close as friends, and for the life of me, I have no idea why I didn’t ask her out. Meh, that’s for another time.
Well, when we were in the middle of hanging out, I had to cut it short because of my curfew, and needless to say, she didn’t like it. Although she would let me go home, she often expressed her distaste of my having to leave. And I think, that is where I got this irrationality from, because well, since I liked her so much, I didn’t want her to be disappointed in me. So, my mind has tried to prevent this, altogether by avoid situations that bear the possibility of failure, when someone has placed trust in me.
Now the irrational part: It’s purely ridiculous to have this state of mind, when my dreams and ideals are to be the one that people depend on in serious, life-or-death situations! I want to be the one who’s the man for the job when trying to save lives, and I know that I won’t be able to save them all, so there will be dark times when people will look to me for answers that I don’t have. And they’ll be disappointed in my ability to save their loved ones, disappointed in me.
So in the end, I’ll be faced with this situation anyways! But I think that, it’ll be easier in the later scenario because in the end, I will have walled up my heart so that I can continue working, and trying to help others. But with family and friends, people close to me, people that I will see everyday, to disappoint them, is far worse because they don’t disappear at the end of the day, they’ll forever have that memory associated with me, that I’ve failed them, in one way or another.
“You’re human, let it go.” comes to mind, but, I know that I’m meant to be better than this, it’s not like I’m trying to deny my humanity, but I cannot let myself mess up like this, especially over trivial things. It’s not the compulsiveness of a perfectionist, nor is it ideals of obtaining a perfect track record, but it’s the idea that I HATE disappointing people. And so I find myself doing things that I don’t want to do, hanging out in study groups, when I study best on my own, refusing to hang out when I really want to, and so on.
I’m getting better at it though, I’m starting to accept the fact that I cannot do everything on my own, and that I will need help from time to time. Especially since my assistance will come from other doctors, nurses, PA’s, Anesthesiologists, Hospice, Lawyers, RT’s, EMT’s and even janitors and volunteers, people that I will have to learn to get along with, learn to depend on, and they will depend on me.
We will learn to work together, especially when the moment comes when someone’s life hangs in the balance. I will need their help, and there will come a time, when they will come to me for help. Sure, it takes one person to start a revolution, but that revolution requires the movement of the people of the world.
And that’s what I’ll need to remember, that I am not alone in this fight in trying to become a doctor, there are others who want me to be also, and they’ll help me in my endeavors when I need them.
There’s always a helping hand when one really looks for it.