The Backbone of a Man

Back in October, my good Friend, who bears a SibRing was throwing a birthday party for his three year old daughter. Seeing as to how he was a good friend, I made it a priority to attend, so I got there early, and I was hanging out with my friends, and then I noticed, that they had a bouncy house, some of my friends and I looked at each other, and with the idea that when the children get here, the bouncy house won’t be available, we decided to jump around in it. I did some flips and then some kids got inside, and for their safety, we, the adults, got out. But during the adults’ time, my friend who was a year or two, younger than me, stopped and said, “Look at us, 4 adults jumping in a bouncy house.” To which I replied, “Hey, we’re the adults now, and it’s up to us to decide what that means!” a quote I paraphrased from XKCD.

The following day, though, my back had disagreed with my decisions from the previous day…

I stood up the next morning and “OOO! Ahh! My Back!”

My lower back, was in pain! Walking hurts as my right leg muscles were part of the pain that was in my back; rising from sitting hurts because some of the muscles that are in pain are stabilizer muscles; leaning over hurts, because that’s stretching the muscles; and squatting down to pick up things? Nothing! Looks like my back pain doesn’t completely inhibit me.

So now what am I going to do? Well, last Monday, I decided to do a Zombies, Run mission, with chases and all… Heh heh, not my brightest idea, although, it felt exhilarating, pushing beyond the boundaries of pain, I learned that, however, there’s a price to be paid for going beyond those limits. And the price for suppression the sensations of pain is that the pain returns with a vengeance!

Now it’s Sunday and I’m still feeling the pain from that run on Monday! So this presents a very serious problem for me.

  1. My current NerdFitness challenge involves running which would hurt my back
  2. My Handstand training also seems to have ties with back pain
  3. The pain doesn’t seem to be subsiding with the Icy Hot I’m putting on my back where the pain is

So now, here I am, trying to find ways to relieve myself of this back pain, I’m going to try some yoga to see if there’s any subtle changes, but if that doesn’t work, then that means that I’m in more trouble than I originally thought, and that I’ll have to back down from exercising and NerdFitness altogether!

Advertisements

Clean

I was doing the dishes the other day, and in my usual routine, I check the previously washed dishes to make sure that they’re thoroughly clean, and often times I would find some that have things still sticking to the plates and cups and whatnot, so I would throw it in a pile with the other dirty ones and re-wash it.
And so that got me thinking…

In order for something to be truly clean, it must be thoroughly washed on all sides, front and back, in terms of dishes, not only the top of the plate needs to be clean, but underneath the plate too, despite the fact no one ever eats off of it, it needs to be washed too. The same with people.

I think of it like the soul of a person, in order for someone to truly be clean, or pure of heart, they must be clean on all aspects of their selves, even on the parts of them that no one ever sees or meets. How can you say you’re a good person, if in the back of your mind you know that there’s some part of you that isn’t?

That seems to be something that’s on my mind lately, I’m not a perfect man, but I try to be a good man, and I know that there are demons that I lose to, simply due to their difficulty of overcoming them. So if I have this, how can I call myself a good man?

I remember watching a TV special about the psychology of the Joker, and what I gathered was an interesting concept from it, “If I was bad, how can I ever call myself good?” That is to say, if I can be subject to being corrupted, then how can I be a good person, if I’m still vulnerable to it?

Surely, all someone needs to do is simply discover my weakness, and then expose it to the world, then who will take my word when I give it? Who will trust me, when they find a part of me that they cannot trust? Granted, one can argue that I’m human and subject to mistakes, and/or that those who distrust me, are simply hypocrites because who are they to say, that they’re better than me, and so on.

The point here, is that in order to be honestly clean or an honestly good man, I need to best my demons, and not allow myself to be subject to their vices. This ability is what separates those who claim to be good men, and those who are good men… and women.

It’s all about Willpower, the ability to resist what truly makes you weak in the knees, what makes an individual truly brave, is not the lack of fear, but the mastery, the conquering of the fear. Otherwise how can one truly be considered tested, if there never was the possibility of failure?

So in truth, one shouldn’t see the demons as that demons of maniacal nature, hell-bent on pure destruction, grand in stature and made of energies that are incomprehensible, but as what they truly are obstacles. “An obstacle is something you see, when you take your eyes off your goal” as the saying goes. Demons are no different, you’re truly bested by them when you give in to your vices, and become the Demon, your life is consumed and then you strive to living in nothing but the vice that has consumed you so, the proverbial Downward Spiral.

So, in the end, how can I claim to be a good man when there are times when I wasn’t? Simple, I keep on going, I realize that fact, and I keep trying. I have to find ways to improve, if I don’t try anything new and remain stagnant, then I’m not a good man, because I’m not actually trying to beat the demon; if I give in, then that’s just going backwards, and that’s no good at all.

The ultimate evidence that I’m a good man, is to try to find new ways to become clean, via a new sponge, or even a better soap. The point is that what makes me a good man, isn’t ridding myself of these demons, although that would be fantastic, what makes me a good man, is that I find ways to help me be a good man, find sources of strength that help me find balance and eventually find my own strength, so should the time come, and I stand before the great Demon’s challenge, then I will defeat it.

The Source of My Wrath

I was praying the Rosary last night, and various scenarios came across my mind, involving someone close coming to me asking me for advice for their problems, and they’re frustrated, and acting in their usual manners, but something occurred that troubled me. You see, it’s natural for them to be frustrated and angry and ignorant to the advice given to them, but in each scenario, my voice was raised, my words became sharp, and I became angry, I snapped at whoever came to me.

And it was most troubling…

I remember just a few years ago, I was perfectly fine when facing a frustrating person, I was calm and collected. So why are my thoughts full of anger right now?

I found a prayer card we printed when my Father died, it was the St. Francis of Assisi prayer:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light.
Where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Amen.

My father always liked St. Francis more than the other saints, so we chose this prayer. So when I read it again after sometime, the very first line echoed with me, “Lord, make me an instrument of your peace” Peace. Not wrath, not anger, not frustration, peace.

So, the question rises again: Why am I so angry?

Am I just around angry people? or is it something more? Granted, I suffered a rather serious defeat with a bad MCAT score, so my path to Med school, is delayed a bit. And I’m well aware that there are plenty of people younger than me who have already achieved what I want, and whatnot. Basically, I do have a lot to be frustrated about, but what’s concerning to me, is that I am frustrated about it. Usually, I hold no frustrations in my mind, nor in my heart.

So how did this happen?

I guess, my mind is looking for something, I don’t know exactly what, but it’s obviously something important, to help balance me out. Perhaps it’s interaction, before, I had many people to interact with people which different energy, and it was refreshing, now that I’m done with school, my interactions with said people is now almost non-existent, so all the people that I have left to interact with, aren’t people I’d normally interact with simply because I know their history, and their mannerisms, but now I have no choice, because I have no reason and often times no choice to leave the house.

Sigh…

Regardless of the reasons, if I’m angry here, who’s the say I won’t be angry when facing the patients, the very people I’m going to swore to protect. I need to gain better control over my thoughts, and find reasons to not be swayed by the frustrations of others. It’s all in the Head, as the old saying goes. If I simply stick to what I know is true, and what I know I’m supposed to be doing, the Right thing, so to speak, then regardless of how my grant my internal struggle is, I’ll find the Will power to contain it, until I can find a proper vent.