The Source of My Wrath

I was praying the Rosary last night, and various scenarios came across my mind, involving someone close coming to me asking me for advice for their problems, and they’re frustrated, and acting in their usual manners, but something occurred that troubled me. You see, it’s natural for them to be frustrated and angry and ignorant to the advice given to them, but in each scenario, my voice was raised, my words became sharp, and I became angry, I snapped at whoever came to me.

And it was most troubling…

I remember just a few years ago, I was perfectly fine when facing a frustrating person, I was calm and collected. So why are my thoughts full of anger right now?

I found a prayer card we printed when my Father died, it was the St. Francis of Assisi prayer:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light.
Where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Amen.

My father always liked St. Francis more than the other saints, so we chose this prayer. So when I read it again after sometime, the very first line echoed with me, “Lord, make me an instrument of your peace” Peace. Not wrath, not anger, not frustration, peace.

So, the question rises again: Why am I so angry?

Am I just around angry people? or is it something more? Granted, I suffered a rather serious defeat with a bad MCAT score, so my path to Med school, is delayed a bit. And I’m well aware that there are plenty of people younger than me who have already achieved what I want, and whatnot. Basically, I do have a lot to be frustrated about, but what’s concerning to me, is that I am frustrated about it. Usually, I hold no frustrations in my mind, nor in my heart.

So how did this happen?

I guess, my mind is looking for something, I don’t know exactly what, but it’s obviously something important, to help balance me out. Perhaps it’s interaction, before, I had many people to interact with people which different energy, and it was refreshing, now that I’m done with school, my interactions with said people is now almost non-existent, so all the people that I have left to interact with, aren’t people I’d normally interact with simply because I know their history, and their mannerisms, but now I have no choice, because I have no reason and often times no choice to leave the house.

Sigh…

Regardless of the reasons, if I’m angry here, who’s the say I won’t be angry when facing the patients, the very people I’m going to swore to protect. I need to gain better control over my thoughts, and find reasons to not be swayed by the frustrations of others. It’s all in the Head, as the old saying goes. If I simply stick to what I know is true, and what I know I’m supposed to be doing, the Right thing, so to speak, then regardless of how my grant my internal struggle is, I’ll find the Will power to contain it, until I can find a proper vent.

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