Thursday, January 24th at 8AM
I flew to San Francisco on the previous Monday, to get used to my new environment, and to do my final preparations for the MCAT, the monster of a test that I faced before, and found only defeat in it’s wake.
Now after the MCAT Prep course I was ready to face it again, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday found me in either my hotel room or in the Public Library studying, taking practice tests, and getting used to the format of the test, leaving it only to find a place to eat, but studying none the less.
Then Thursday came, I was ready, I woke up on time, grabbed my essentials and walked out the door, being completely terrible with directions, I found myself walking away from the location of the Cable car for roughly 10 minutes, so I almost ran back in the opposite direction to try to catch up. Luckily I made it with time to spare, other than being a little sweaty, I was fine and calm. I walked in there knowing full well that the MCAT Prep course teachings have left me in a far better state than before, I wasn’t just walking in blind like before, I felt Ready.
I left around 11:30AM, only taking 1 of the optional breaks, but when I walked out of there, I was full of dread, stressed, something went wrong, I felt it, I had no idea how I did, my head was hanging somewhat low leaving the tall buildings, I didn’t even feel the relief that I was done until much later on in the day. I heaved heavy sighs and simply couldn’t shake off the depressed feeling from my mind.
So now looking back, I can still feel it, that lingering feel of doubt, it’s not a complete “I know I failed” but it’s not “I performed marvelously” either. To be quite honest, I don’t know what it is. Yet, if anything, I would call it most likely a… Humbling feeling.
Humbling… that’s as close a label as I’m going to get for this feeling. I am humbled by the MCAT.
Calls from my Mother and my Sister both included the fact that if I did not performed well this time, then it was God’s plan that I did not, He needs me elsewhere and that’s just it. Being informed of that, helped me deal with the humbling feeling, but some part of it still remains. It’s not completely a bad feeling, but it’s not a happy one either. I just feel… I don’t know.
But I’m remembering how I acted when taking the first MCAT, I was uplifted, prideful even, I made a really big deal out of it, told everyone who’d listen that I was taking the MCAT and joke around about it, and then I felt a severe blow from reality and walked away defeated. This time, I hardly told anyone save for family and some friends, I guess my defeat left my tongue in check and I didn’t elaborate on it at all, but they made a big deal out of it, they came to me concerned about how I did and how I felt, and I would respond in roughly the same form to all of them.
Heh, on the one hand, this is a sign that I’m truly supported by people near and far, on the other, with all their support, it would kill me to disappoint them! Man, there’s just no winning with my mentality…
The Beast has really helped me, in more than one way, that’s for certain. My eyes and views are now different than the first time I took it, one could even dare to say, I’ve matured a bit, heh heh…
But, whatever happens, I must be ready for it, whether or not I did well, I must be prepared for the actions needed to be done, plans and back-ups for each scenario. Man, I really hope I did well enough to apply to medical school with, I just need a solid score; a chance, that’s all I need, just a chance to get in there and show them what I’m made of!
Well pondering over it now, isn’t going to do anything except make me lose more sleep. I’ve still got 23 days left before I can find out how I did. Well… 22 days now…