That face in the mirror

For a majority of my college life, I’ve always kept my hair short, spiked, not very long nor excessive, it would borderline between crew cut and porcupine.

Irrelevant? No, only leading up to my point.

With a change in growth, the change in identity is simply bound to follow, and what few people realize, a change in appearance.

I’m a firm believer in the idea that one’s beliefs, ideas, and resolves are shown in one’s mannerisms, speech, and even stance. Everyday quirks that one displays everyday speak volumes to those who are trained to see them. So when one grows and solidifies one’s beliefs, this is subconsciously displayed to everyone, which is also why “Like attracts like” or why a certain mindset brings about a specific result.

Yet, now this is where my hair comes into light. My hair is growing longer, mainly due to a lack of resources to cut it, but I’ve realized that mentally, subconsciously, and physically, I’m accepting that change, I’ve found my changes being discovered as time progresses, my ideas are formed with a different set of thought-process, the passion in my voice is not scattered but more focused, and yes, I’m starting to actually look different.

Going in the reverse order, I looked in the mirror and found that my face is starting to look… different, subtle, but enough to be noticed. With a change in physical appearance, after any significant massive physical growth spurts, can only mean that something within me has changed, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, something.

I was reading AoM’s mini-series about the minds of 20-somethings, and how at the end, at the age of 25, the mind has finally and officially matured into it’s adult-hood form. So, I guess that means that my change in physical appearance might be caused by another source.

Mentally, I was slapped with the harsh hand of reality, that I was not participating in the role of an adult that I had requested from my family after my father’s death. An adult would have taken greater responsibility than what I have done, in his family, in his life, and in his future. I was still acting like a child, by refusing to see and to act when I should have, by allowing the ideas and mental state of others, however unstable, to sway me to change my position or to silence me when I needed to speak up. This was some time ago, and since then, I have tried to open my eyes and my mind as wide as possible to try to pick up the slack I was leaving. I’m actively trying to make good with my time and to take a more active role in the family, I’m aiming to become one of the main protagonists, rather than a side-character in the story of my family. I’m not there yet, but as my mind is maturing, I’m pursuing it more and more, through conversation and explanation of my actions.

Spiritually, I have seen that my life is now starting to resemble a time when I was spiritually satisfied; the time of my Catholic Youth Group. Now, I am a member of the Knights of Columbus (KofC), a Catholic men’s organization for charity and spiritual growth in God and in Brotherhood. This is a bit of a stretch, because when I was in my Youth Group, we literally focused on spiritual growth in the forms of teachings about the Catholic faith, prayer, and activities that helped us focus on growing in the faith. The KofC are full of grown men, who seem to have already reached their spiritual growth and are now expressing it through prayer and action. When I was in the Youth Group, I was among peers who are growing in the Faith like I was; when I am in the KofC meeting, I’m among men of various ages, albeit older than myself, who have reached individualized peaks of growth in the Catholic faith. The spiritual energy is rather sporadic because there’s really no one who is close to my level to help me focus my energy on. Yet, I find myself smiling, and full of both energy and peace, as I stand among men old enough to be my father. I feel glad to be there, I feel as though, this will be my new ‘Youth Group’, that these men, these Knights, can help me grow spiritually and help me reach a peak in my own path to God that will surpass my own expectations.

In terms of Emotional change, I was informed by my sister, during our conversation on the phone, that I will come across patients who will be expressing powerful emotions, so much that they will sway a lot of people. Yet in order to be a good doctor, I must remain calm and focused on the task at hand, I will be facing these passionate people and if I do not have a firm grasp on my own emotions, I will find myself making a mistake simply because I was emotionally persuaded to. Granted, I should always act on my feelings of what is right and what is wrong, but I must strong in the sense that I will have to try to calm others who will react spontaneously, if I do not cannot try to calm them down, then my abilities to help them will be greatly hindered, and then what good will I be? I need to be both gentle and strong, passionate and focused, calm and firm, ready to act at a moment’s notice to any sort of disaster or change, all the while maintaining my own composure. When I will be faced with people who are panicking, scared, worried, pissed off, depressed, even emotional-less, I will have to find ways to make sure my own emotions don’t become blended, or effected by theirs, otherwise, I’ll walk away from the experience panicked, scared, worried, pissed off, depressed or even emotional-less. If I do not have a strong heart to hold on to, I will lose it in a sea where I will wind up heartless, and then how will I be able to help people?

So far, these are the only changes that I can use to answer my question of “why doesn’t my face look familiar?” That being said, there will always be an unknown factor, something unexpected or unforeseen that can cause my change. Perhaps it’s more subtle than I can detect, other than the physical manifestation of it, and even then, I cannot accurately address what it is that’s actually different in my face, only that it seems different. For all I know, it could be nothing at all, simply a figment of my imagination, or that my now-longer hair can cause that much of a change in my appearance. Well, all things come to Light in the end, whether or not I’m aware of what it is that has, or will have, change the objective now will be to try to maintain my course, of trying to get into medical school, by whatever means necessary. I’m now waiting for my results, which won’t come until the end of February, so until then, I have much work to do, or rather, I should find ways to improve my current situation and that of my family and friends… Well, I can always go back to volunteering at the hospital…

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