These Frequent Dark Days

Yesterday, I went to my Uncle’s funeral, I saw his picture, and now I have a face to put to his name, as it turns out it was someone I recognized after all.

There was a Mass in his honor, and we all went to my cousin’s house for food and to catch up with relatives, at the end, they showed a 13-minute movie and last words and memories for him. It was interesting seeing and hearing about a man I never got the chance to know personally. The tears shed by the family and friends spoke untold volumes of memories, respect, and love, all of which, I’ve never seen before, or at least not from him.

But it was really nice hearing these stories filling in the empty spaces I have about the man. I’m glad to see that the silhouette I have in my mind, is getting fuller and fuller of tales about a man who loved to sing, loved his family, loved going out of his way for others. The funny nicknames he had, the songs he loved to sing, the wise words he told to others to help guide them, this is a man I wished I had known personally.

This is my second funeral in a span of 3 years.

There’s a fine print that comes with being born as one of the youngest member of the family: Dark Days Lie Ahead.

I’m going to see the deaths of MANY people within my own family, whether it was natural or not, expected or not, hopefully all older than me, because nothing brings pain to someone than seeing someone else younger pass away, that’s assuming I don’t die in advance, but that’s besides the point.

I’m curious as to wondering how all of these events and future events will affect me, will I grow colder in the light of constant deaths? Will I push others away for fear of having pain enter my heart when they leave? or will I develop a sense of being able to let go when I get attached to people?

That last one is what I think I’ve already developed quite a bit.

Is it strange that I’m able to seemingly to have a social Out of sight, out of mind take on my friends unless there’s a situation that calls them to be on my mind after we’ve part ways. But when thinking about other people, I don’t ever see myself thinking, “You know, it’s been a long time, I should talk to this person again.” My conversations with people don’t seem to be affected with time, I remember talking to my little sister only to find that several events have passed with several people when the last thing I remember was that these were people she barely knew. I was shocked, Me:”Wait, I thought you didn’t like Guy Y!” Her:”Oh yeah, I didn’t at first but we got along now.” Me:”How long ago was this?”… And so on.

I’m only concerned that when a girl asks me can I live without her, I’m going to be an idiot and say, “Well of course I could, I lived before I knew you and so on, there’s no evidence that I still cannot do the same even when you’re gone.” Heh, see how romantic I can be?

It’s strange to not feel attachment like the ones I would hear about from friends, I mean it’s not like I treat people terribly or simply don’t care about them, it’s difficult to explain. I feel independant. I know there are ties I have to family and friends, but in terms of my life being attached to people, I feel like I can keep going regardless of who’s with me or whether or not they’re there. My morals and beliefs are simply my own, I’m subject to changes and slight alterations, but I don’t think there’d be anyone who can come by and completely change my entire perspective on life. I’m bound to make mistakes, and learn from them, but I’m aware of that, and am willing to adjust to whatever situation that comes to it, which is probably why I feel this way. Also being the youngest, I’m aware that I have a deep seeded desire to go out and make a name for myself, breaking free from the title “Baby of the family” and other such degrading names.

It wouldn’t be the first time someone in my position has done such a thing. Maybe I’m preparing myself for all of the times I will stand alone, I’m almost certain that I’m going to face a LOT of things on my own despite my family, and friends who offer me their support. This experience with the MCAT felt like a foretelling of what lies ahead in my life. I’ll always have people who have my back, and I’m truly grateful for that, yet, there will always be a gap between what I know is troubling me and them seeing me troubled, so their abilities to help me are always limited, if not applicable at all. I sound like a real jerk for saying that, but sadly enough, it’s going to be the truth, heh, it’s the truth right now, actually.

But I guess, that’s my problem. I should see this as a sign that I need to explain my situation better when someone asks me what’s bothering me. I mean, it’s not their fault that they don’t understand what’s going on in my world. Hmm… Guess that means that my feeling independent has it’s downsides, I would have to deal with this so that those who want to help me can help me, if only by listening.

Hmm… So I guess we’ll see how in the darkness of these future days, my true character will be revealed.

One comment on “These Frequent Dark Days

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