An Experiment

I was watching the new show Hannibal on NBC, and I saw a scene where Dr. Lecter was at his desk drawing an image, I remember from the previous movies that Hannibal was able to draw various things rather well, now I’m not boasting I could do the same thing, but I do remember drawing the diagrams in my Biology labs and often times people were quite impressed by it.

Add this to my dilemma of trying to relearn the information I once knew, and a warning from Harlan that I should give myself a crash course on Human Gross Anatomy, and I think I’m going to try something rather interesting:

I am going to draw the human anatomy.

10 systems, each with their various unique organs and functions, varying from the large and broad to the simple and complex, man, I should’ve done this years ago!

But still, It’s going to be interesting, I’ve always learned best by doing things with my own hands, and to learn information straight from the book, has always been difficult, I need to ‘manipulate’ it, I’ve always imagined a 3-D model in space that I can move with my hands, kind of like how Tony Stark’s lab is, except, it’s all in my head.

This will require hundreds of hours and obviously lots of paper, but I’ve always wanted to keep my old lab notebooks, for some reason, and I think this is it. I’ve always liked drawing, and I’ve never wanted it to wither away, yet I always had a difficult time utilizing it to help me further my academic goals, but now, I think I’ve found a perfect solution to my problem!

It’s going to take some getting used to, it took me roughly 2 hours just to draw the Atlas/Cervical 1 Vertebrae and that’s basically a bony ring. Also, I seem to have a problem with symmetry, but thanks to the Quad Rule type of paper, in my first notebook, I can at least work on that, which probably means that I’ll take even more time trying to finish a drawing. But still, I think this is something I’d definitely be proud of!

I guess all that’s left is to make sure that I actually know everything about the structure I’m going to draw, not to mention, that it is probably not wise if I don’t make time for actively reviewing my Anatomy notes and books, right now.

I’ve still got some time to think about this, and plan exactly how I’m going to do it. I’m mainly leaning towards putting this as my Life goal in my NerdFitness 6-Week challenge, but we’ll see, I’ll be flying to Chicago in a couple of weeks, to visit my sister and the family, before they come here to California. So that’ll be fun, I’ll get to enjoy Chicago in a way that I hadn’t before.

So for now, I’ll give this a test drive, and maybe post a drawing or two, hopefully this will let me learn something that’ll stick to my mind. I know the information is in there, I just have to find it!

Keep Moving Forward

I was nervous today. Anxious, my breathing was quickened. My mind raced, unfocused on the task at hand. ‘Is it going to happen? How long will it take? Will it come in time?’

I was in the middle of a supermarket picking up groceries.

‘What will happen next?’ Was the biggest question racing on my mind, my appearance was calm save for my muttering to myself,  trying everything to calm my mind. I tried to work out my thoughts, usually out loud was the best method, but nothing was working. Then, I came to a conclusion:

‘What happens next is just to keep moving forward.’

In this Chess game called Life, the only move the Pawn can make is simply Forward. I can’t go back for obvious Time-traveling problems, I can’t stay still, otherwise I’ll lose progress and wind up stuck where I’m at all my life, filled with Regret.

I can only go forward, headlong into the path that I’m on, I have to see how this Life will end. I’ve already come too far, I’ve already done so much, my family has sacrificed much for me to get where I’m at, right now… Even Life itself. No, There’s no choice in the matter now, it’s no longer about me, but about Everyone! It’s not just me standing here, but the hopes, the dreams, the smiles, the tears of everyone who’s ever believed in me, is riding on this as much as I am!

Heh, I know I’m starting to sound like a cartoon show cliche, but the funny part is that it’s true. I am the one who stands on this path, alone. My heart is not moved by material wealth, but by the well-being of others. I simply like helping people! There’s almost no more reasoning behind that, save for one:

It’s what I’ve been put on this planet for.

When I was young, I’ve come across several situations in which I was not expected to survive, and at the age of 14, I made a vow, to earn this life that had been spared from Death so many times. I vowed to live an honorable life, one that can help as many people as possible, and to this day, I still honor that vow. It’s been integrated into who I am now, I sometimes feel like I’m out of time here, like I should’ve been born in Medieval Europe or in Ancient times in Japan. For me, being a good man mattered more than advancing myself, seeing someone smile was worth more than my homework, and feeling clean mind, body and soul was more important than being accepted among the social groups.

Time after time, I would come across a situation in which no one would do anything, people stood by, while another suffered, and I wound up the only one moving, the only one doing anything about it. And now when I think about why I would act, I often come to the conclusion: Because no one else will.

Something is better than nothing, and people often select to do nothing, while I would choose to do something, despite the consequences that come.

Miss some questions on a test because all of last night, a friend was having a crisis and needed advice? Fine by me.

Standing in a corner by myself drinking water while everyone else gets drunk? Ok I can do that.

Giving an opportunity to someone who needed it more than me? Go right ahead, I’ll be smiling when you succeed.

“I cannot deny who I am.” That’s what I said to the medical school representative, who’d advance himself instead of doing the right thing. The path he takes will wind up being empty, because he only thinks of himself, and those closest to him. My path will not be that, I will move forward in the way I believe is right, refusing to help another in a profession who’s job is to help others is just plain hypocritical and wrong. If he truly represented that school’s ideals, then I fear the worst.

Bah, he doesn’t deserve any place in my mind, except on a list of “People I’m going to prove wrong” It’s not a long list, but with each step, I defy their expectations.

Whether or not, the world agrees with me, it matters not, I’m going to keep moving forward, despite everything that stands against me, even myself.

Reviewing what lies within

I’ve come to the point where my mind is starting to get restless, despite the distractions with everything else, I find myself coming back to a point, where all I want to do is read and review my notes.It’s kinda funny, actually,  I want to remember the terms, the equations, the concepts.

Well, lately there hasn’t been anything that’s been too mentally challenging, save for that one level in Fall of Cybertron, but the intellectual aspect of my mind is hungry for something more. I wonder if I can relearn all of the skeletal structure and the muscle systems on my own… I need to make my mind take this reviewing thing seriously, because I tried studying for the MCAT on my own, and that turned out to be a bust.

I need a goal, something that’ll put my mind in a particular state of mind that will cause me to focus like how I did when I was in school. These are things that I need to retain in my mind, almost permanently, because I will need to retain this for both, professional and personal reasons.

In Professional terms, being able to recall particular bone structures, allows me to help people on the fly with some basic First-aid thrown in. I’ll be able to make slings, braces, even watch out for chemical reactions if they happen. This also reassures my Parent/Guardian abilities to be prepared for anything that happens, should I be responsible for someone, like my nieces who will now be living with us come early-June. Not to mention, the student part of me, that constantly thrives on knowledge and facts will be sated.

In Personal terms, whenever an opportunity comes up to define how damaging someone’s mangled body is on TV, or whether someone has been skewered in a horror movie and died, I take this opportunity to explain why said person should/shouldn’t live, or how ridiculous the display of gore is anatomically. Sometimes at the expense of my brothers’ sanity, but they usually let me know when I’ve lost their interest… or never had it. Not to mention, I also use it to keep my title of “the Smart Uncle” when my nieces try to trick me by asking me lots of questions.

But in all seriousness, I’m glad I have this, a desire to constantly learn and improve, to remember and to recite, a true thirst for knowledge, both relevant and not.

But thanks to my mind, I could never thinking chronologically, which is why I always did horrible in History, not to mention also explains my weirdness, but this is why I was able to excel in Science and Math, because the formulas and equations that was required didn’t need to come at a specific point or date, so they, as I have imagined, are floating around in my head, like snowflakes or fireflies, all I have to do is simply reach out and grab it and the information comes straight to mind.

But time has passed and now all those fireflies and snowflakes have fallen into the sea of the Forgotten. I need to rekindle the flames that burned with knowledge, and I need to do it soon, otherwise, I’ll forget everything I’ve spend years trying to learn! Not to mention, this would be one of the most productive ways to spend my time, instead of playing video games or watching TV or randomly surfing the web. Besides, all of the great people of History have always been constant seekers of Knowledge, constantly learning new things, remembering and applying old things, and never ceasing their quest, regardless of age, situation, or even difficulty of information. The idea is to keep learning, there is always something new to learn, something old to remember, some new world to discover. And here I am not exploring the worlds that I’ve once traversed in. I’ve let the bridges rust and get old, I need to rebuild them and dwell in the Universe once again!

The Breaking Point Or Because You Know Better

I had another “discussion” with my brother JP, and like the times before, it resulted in my words and explanations falling on deaf ears. And I’m not one to walk around with Expectations, I’m completely aware of the “Self-Fulfilling Prophecy” theory I learned in Psychology, so I try not to have particular reservations about anyone I come across, regardless of previous history, and with JP, believe me, there’s a lot of history.

And whenever he’d try to converse with me, throwing out random things at random moments, almost with the sense that he’s striving to be smarter than me,  or something like that, he’d always quote sources without ever considering the other side. So when I’d bring that up, how incomplete his information is, I’m met with hostility and frustration, and just earlier this afternoon, he just flat out told me, “I don’t understand you, I feel like I’m visiting another planet and I just can’t understand it.” To which I calmly replied, “OK, well, have you tried listening?” And there it was. That look that I’ve seen so many times before.

A mashing of frustration and confusion. He heard me, but did not understand me, and even in his hearing of me, he only heard keywords that cloud his mind and his argument, while completely missing my entire statement. So his next argument is completely off on a tangent, while my point is lost and my words are focused on and attacked.

It’s not really his fault, partly. He’s aware of his condition, yet he refuses assistance. He tries to sound normal, yet he overshoots and treats others as beneath him. He cannot stand taking advice, suggestions, or even corrections because he believes he’s never wrong. He claims that one should forget the past yet he constantly repeats it.

And you know what? I’m done. I’m done with all of it.

I’ve tried treating him like a normal person all this time, and all it does is just frustrate me, because in my mind, I’m thinking, ‘a normal person wouldn’t respond is such a way, so why is he acting like this?’ But the truth of the matter is that he isn’t normal. And I cannot see him in that way otherwise it’ll lead to more frustrations, so what I’m going to do is simply give my mind a new perspective:

You know better.

Every time I try to explain things to him, he doesn’t understand, no matter how clear I am, and I know for certain that I’m pretty good at simplifying things for other people. So what do you do with someone who either refuses or is incapable of understanding? You smile and let it go.

One could argue, that I’m leaving him in his ignorance, but I swore that I will not be the one who burns this bridge! And I mean that to this moment! What I mean is that I know that he won’t understand my argument, he simply cannot see it or understand what I’m trying to explain to him, and his default reaction is Hostile, so why add fuel to the fire? I still haven’t figured out exactly how I will do this, because it’s at random moments that he tries to bring up these “intellectual” conversations, and I’m always down for one, yet in order for the conversation to work, both sides have to be rational as well as actually, open to critique or suggestions.

But that’s the point: I know this, and he either can’t or doesn’t want to.

And I just know that this will not be the last time I run into someone like that… Heh heh…

In either case, I remember reading how it’s Honorable to be criticized by those who have no right to, to be looked down upon by those who are lowly, and to not receive credit when it’s due; and all of these things are based on the idea that one knows better. You know what’s really important and these things aren’t important enough to focus upon. Being correct isn’t important enough to provoke my frustrations. Being heard isn’t important enough to keep a pointless conversation going. Proving my intelligence isn’t important enough to cause dissension among the family for the words used.

And so, like the doctor that I will be, I’m obligated to let the patient be should they desire it. I shouldn’t be prideful about anything of mine, especially against the arrogant, because Pride is not necessary for my survival, pride will not bring me closer to being a better man, or being a doctor, or towards God; all I get for my pride is just disappointment and frustrations, so why have one?

I know what I know, and in order to keep the peace, I need to know better. Because, in my opinion, being intelligent isn’t about knowing the facts and information, but applying them to make life better for others, even those who try our patience. I love collecting quotes about anything and everything, famous sayings that I’ve often given to others in their times of need. It also helps me in thinking about life in other perspectives, as well as allowing me to know what to do during my own times of need. It helped me become a moral and ethical pillar that people come to, making me someone people depend on, so I’m always happy about that.

Heh, I can only imagine how much I’m going to desperately need this experience, when I come across the patients who yell, curse, spit at me, and refuse my help, and although I’ll be obligated to watch over them until they calm down, I’ll be forced my oaths to stand by and let him go about in their rants and let them have their tantrums,

And all the while, I’ll be smiling, because…

I will know better.


Piece by Piece

In the last few days, I’ve been able to obtain 3 letters of Recommendation, 1 from a Physician, and 2 from former employers, now I just need one more and then I’ll have a complete set!

Also, I’ve surprizingly made my sister-in-law cry and my eldest brother tear up with my Personal Statement. So now, I’m hoping that if the people reviewing my application would get teary-eyed as well, then I’d be set, but Vicky told me that it was because of the memory of my Father that was written in the Personal Statement. So I’ll need to modify it some more, and then I’ll have my application completed.

And then, it will all come together, like a completed puzzle, the Final Step in my Application, The One.

For now, anyways.

It’s strange being so close, and yet, I know in the back of my mind, that this is merely another step towards a VERY long journey, but how funny is it, when each of these steps only reveal themselves to be insignificant when passed, yet utterly unforgiving when you fail them, regardless of by how little or how greatly.

I guess that’s how Life is, if you don’t complete a step, you cannot move forward unto this particular path. For unless you complete this particular step, you will not be able to taste what is on the other side, those are the rules, this is what you’ve signed up for, this is how the game is played. Most people are so bound by the rules that they will never see an exit, they’ll never think that it was ever possible to break the rules, so lost in the Matrix that they no longer see it.

Heh, Piece by Piece…

Over the span of several years, I’ve laughed, cried, fought, bled, tasted defeat and victory, utilized science and religion, stood tall and fell short, made friends, enemies, and seen them both disappear, I’ve had my eyes blinded with rage and opened with wonder, my heart melted with love and broken with loss, my soul rekindled by hope and lost with sin, and my mind has remembered each and every sensation. each and every memory, and little by little has put them together, to inspire me, to teach me, to help me, and to guide me.

And everything I have done and thought, and haven’t, everything relevant and everything completely insignificant, all of it has, and will in the end be the building blocks, the foundation of who I am, and who I will be. People aren’t singular beings, they’re the sum up everything they’ve experienced, both good and bad, all of it, pieced together to make a Whole. We are literally walking worlds interacting with each other, each of us as individual and unique as the stars and planets themselves.

This world will change, of this I have no doubt, but what a lot of people don’t realize, is that these changes are simply pieces of smaller changes that have come together as a whole. Brick by brick, Hand by hand, Soul by soul.

Piece by piece.


Or rather, how I realized when I threw myself off balance.

These last few days, I’ve found myself staying up until 2 in the morning, waking up more and more tired, my patience was being more short with the people around me, and this whole time I was wondering why. Only to find out that almost everything is off in my life, for one simple thing.


the same Rest and Restoration that I’ve idiotically deprived myself of, causing my senses, thinking, and overall physical state to be at less than optimal.

This has helped me to learn, or rather, to remember the importance of having balance in one’s life, bringing everything down to a minimal level while having the body completely focus on restoring the energy levels of my mind, body, and soul.

Strange, how something so simple as laying down and drifting off, letting go of all of the senses, all of the impulses and stimulation that causes the body to focus on the external.

I keep saying that I don’t want to sleep, or that I don’t need too much of it, but the truth of the matter is that without sleep, I’ll more than likely stop functioning altogether, at least to the point where I’ll randomly walk into rooms without remembering why. Granted, that still happens sometimes right now, but it’ll happen more frequently when I’m sleep deprived.

Also another thing, is that while I’m busy trying to help everyone else and take care of everything, I have a responsibility to make sure I do my best to help them, and I can’t help them with my best when I’m not at my best. The very first thing the Heart does for any creature, after collecting the de-oxygenated blood, but right before distributing it to the whole body and brain, is to distribute it among the Coronary Arteries, which are the arteries that cover the heart itself. It replenishes and maintains itself and it’s functions before, if not while, sending out the needed oxygenated blood to the other organs. The heart takes care of itself first because, if I didn’t, then it dies and then there’d be nothing else giving blood to the other organs, and then the whole system fails.

I think I’ve written about this before… Haven’t I? I’m certain I have.

Heh, with my luck, it’ll probably have been over a post that I wrote about sleeping, before.

But, it’s good to let go from time to time, not just in sleeping, but in life. Let’s face it, you can’t control every single aspect of your life, and to think you could otherwise, is just plain ridiculous. I’m a firm believer that all of life is like that of a Chess game, where one (in this case, me) is a Pawn and God, the Chess player, moving all of the pieces while I can only move forward. So why fool yourself into thinking that you even have control at this very moment?

In all of the hours of our day, we strive to obtain as much control as possible over our lives, What we eat, where to go, what to do, how to get there, yet although sleeping seems like a choice we make, it’s more like a decision we’ve already accepted, a decision to let go of all other choices.

But there’s something special about letting go in order to sleep. Ironically, having nothing is the ultimate sense of freedom, you’re free from every form of shackles, nothing can hold you down if you have nothing in your pockets. Letting go gives one a rather interesting perspective on Life, that the control-freaks can never see. “When you lose, you win” – What Dreams May Come.

To sleep, I mean really sleep, is probably one of the few natural joys in the world, that one can experience at any moment in time. It’s the best way to end an evening and to start a morning.

And with that, I should end this entry and work on my sleep, ha ha ha.