Led by a Child

I was standing there, being told the honest truth from an honest child, my niece Isa, who’s asked me to talk to her in private.

She told me that I was being too serious and that my other niece, Sirena, didn’t like me too much because of it. And it was true, I had been rather short with her and lost my patience with her much quicker than I used to, and so, she took it upon herself to pull me aside and discuss this with me. She asked me basic questions, and then, she asked me, “So, what’s the problem?” and then she somehow, caused me to expand my mind, like I did some time ago.

It felt so familiar, this vastness that I had long forgotten, my mind went to work immediately, throwing out the problems and solving it in, what is seen in my mind, as the space right in front of me. My mouth utters fragments of the processes, in loud whispers, heh, confusing my nieces who’s thinking that I’m talking to her, my eyes move back and forth, fixated on floating objects that cannot be seen by others, my mind utilizing every relevant information, data, and memory, to solve the dilemma. And there it was, my answer, that is, the reason why I was being short with Siry, it was never because of her, but her actions that became a sort of, straw that broke the camel’s back, to frustrations that came from others. I couldn’t stop myself from laughing, this child, who couldn’t possibly understand the vastness of what lies within my mind, has so easily guided me as if she was guiding her pet to water.

So, after a few hours, I immediately sought ways to prevent this from happening again, and, once again, Isa was telling me ways to find peace or to calm down should the situation arrive again, to at least not be short with Siry. And once again, I’ve found my answer, Rakuen, a song from the Trigun soundtrack, a very peaceful song that I would listen to whenever I’m done exercising. This song means a lot to me because one time after exercising, I was laying on the garage floor, and I imagined myself in a place just outside the forest, a sort of campground, there was a boulder for a seat, and two logs forming a triangle, then in the middle was a place for a fire, surrounded by rocks, it always looked blackened, as if the fire was already gone, it was always sunny, and clear, and water can be heard from far away.

It was my paradise. My place of solitude whenever anything got me riled up. But it was also there that I saw my Father, I saw his face clearly, yet I couldn’t see his body. He didn’t say anything, nor made any sort of expression that I could remember, but I knew it was him. I was almost in tears at his presence.

Since then, I’ve always gone back to that place, my Rakuen, my Paradise. My place of Serenity and Peace. Yet, I haven’t seen my Father again in there, I keep returning but he hasn’t come back.

And now, I’m here, mind at peace, and all because of this child… a Child… Wait, wasn’t there a child on my spiritual Journey? There was! I never could see who the child was, but I do remember a child and a woman, whom I assumed was the mother… Could Isa, be this child I saw long ago? Causing my emotions to go from perilous to calm and tranquil?

… Ha ha ha! That would be amazing! I mean, I always knew the girls were far smarter than I was at their age, but this is something else entirely! I took that journey way back in RCC, they weren’t even there yet!

This is amazing… For God to have given me, not only these girls as wonderful blessings, but to have one of them, help me on my own life, is something that makes my heart overflow completely.

I know now that this child will be interesting to see grow up, she’s got the potential to change this world, I can see it! To have so easily balanced me out with as gentle a touch one can give, Isa is something special. Heh, and here I have a plethora of quotes and philosophy, wisdom and knowledge that’s been passed down from generations, all laid at the feet of this small child. But the Lord always says, “Keep your faith, like that of a child’s.” I guess this is His way of reminding me of that phrase.

A child has helped me rediscover paradise within my own soul. How more blessed can I be?


A Weight Lifted

I’m currently in Chicago, Il. visiting my sister and her family, enjoying the sights and foods of Chicago before I go back to California with my nieces. But they went ahead of me with another brother, so my sister tells me to stay for a few more days to enjoy more of Chicago. So that’s what I’m doing, and we were all sitting at a Chinese Buffet with an actual Stir-fry chef, and we were all talking, my sister, my bro-in-law, and myself. We were talking about all sorts of things, and at the end of the rather lengthy conversation, I was walking towards the car both, heavier due to all of the food I’ve eaten, and lighter because I’ve found two very important answers to questions that have been haunting me for quite some time.

One, the main source of my frustrations and anger with JP have now been manifested into something that brings me comfort: Asperger’s. Of course! How could it have eluded me all this time! Then again, the last psychology class I took was in High school, so it’s some comfort that I didn’t catch this beforehand. But FINALLY something to work with! And I’ve been looking it up every chance I got, and it’s almost funny how the problems other people have described and the symptoms and disorders listed are all things, familiar to me, things I’ve faced and are frustrated with. Asperger’s disorder and syndrome, oh, how these words have provided me with much needed relief, not that I’m glad that they have it, on the contrary, I’m now finally glad to see that with this, well for lack of a better word, ‘Label’, I now know what problems to expect, and now can start finding ways to improve not only my relationship with said brother, but finding ways to help them move on with their lives, and become more accepting of themselves.

The second weight is more directed towards myself, and it’s a phrase I kept hearing David and Nena say throughout the conversation, when it came towards future aspects: “Let it go because you never know what’s going to happen next.” These words echoed with me. I don’t know why, but my ability to let go of my frustrations was waning, and I’ve found myself feeling more and more angry, my thoughts would be filled with dark images and fury, it was unsettling, to say the least. I’ve never acted upon them, but the fact that they’d last longer and longer, with anger from years ago, was becoming a problem. I didn’t want this anger, this rage within me, I wanted to be a good man, how could I be that when I helped one man and hated another? It doesn’t work. I’ve told my nieces: “People are like dishes, they’re not clean until every single part of them is clean, even the parts no one sees or uses.” So for me to have thoughts of hatred or anger doesn’t work. Eventually one side will come out, and that’ll be revealed as my true character. So I want my thoughts, words, actions, habits, values, and eventual destiny to be as clean as possible, because of all of the things I know I’m going to be facing in the future, and if there’s one shadow of a doubt, or if there’s a chance that I could be corrupted, then I lose my soul. But back to the subject at hand, letting it go, for the sake of the fact that tomorrow shall forever remain a mystery, I should learn to let go of all of the small things that other people have done to me. It’s the basic principle of “Forgive everyone” you’re suppose to forgive them, because you never know when you’ll see them again, heck, I could die in a plane crash on my way back home on Tuesday and if my heart is full of things that hadn’t been let go by the time of my untimely death, then I won’t be able to pass over, and I’ll stay stuck in limbo or as an evil spirit. In either case, Letting go of things is a way of being able to move on in life and to not dwell on the past that’ll eventually drag one down.

Man, I’m really grateful for my sister and her husband, without their conversations, their ability to view me as both, an equal and as a child full of potential, has given me the confidence to really learn from them and to appreciate what an adult should act like, and what I should strive to be. And now, with this weight lifted, I can now continue my path on trying to be a good man, without fear of being corrupted or losing my soul.

Is It Enough?

Today I had lunch with a doctor who was going to write me a letter of recommendation. So we walked from his office to a nearby Subway and he asked me questions about myself and my beliefs and ideals in order to get a more personal view of me. So I answered his questions in the best ways I could.

So he started of with “What made you want to become a doctor in the first place?” and so naturally, I explained everything I could, so I spoke of everything, my troubling birth, my near-death experiences, the death of my Father, the life of my Mother, and everything in between. Yet, the doctor didn’t follow up with another question and there was a moment of silence, I couldn’t tell if he was reflecting on my answer or if it simply didn’t matter to him, his expression didn’t change enough for me to accurately tell.

So then during that silence, only a few moments, my mind thought, ‘Is it enough? Everything that motivates me, that I’ve said, is it really enough to actually be tested against the Trails of the Doctor?’

I mean, there’ll always be someone who’s been through a lot more than I have and have done more than I did, and they will have earn their title of ‘Doctor’, so where do I stand in all this?

Hmm… Maybe this is not a question to be answered by others, but by myself… I mean, who really cares if my Dad died? I do!… Well, as well as my immediate family, but in terms of his death as motivation towards a goal. In this case, it’s only me, the rest of the world keeps going, but it’s only I who is able to be affected by his Death, and it’s only I who decides whether or not this is a valid reason to do anything!

So the question “Is it enough?” is a self-reflecting question! Asked by me towards me, and my resolve!

Heh, guess, I should try to find an answer for it.

I know most people would say, “Of course, it’s enough!” based on the pain, suffering, and sacrifices, that’s been painted throughout my life, but one cannot forget that there’s a bigger fish in the sea, and despite everything, I’ve been through, I subconsciously have bowed out to that unknown individual who’s scars are deeper than mine and who’s smile is bigger.

But I can’t just give up the fight.

I have to get it in my head that this is not some random battle, but a life-long journey towards the bitter end! A war spanning years. And while it’ll have it’s ups and downs, the point is that I cannot stop fighting, even if everyone thinks that my reasons for fighting don’t make sense, I know what’s enough for me!

So long as I know what I’m fighting for, who I’m fighting for, and why I’m fighting, the rest of the world doesn’t matter, let the Universe go against me, I know where I stand! I have to stick to my truths even if those who stand against me are those whom I love and trust, heh, which in this family, is probably something inevitable.

So then, are all my experiences, thoughts, beliefs, scars, and truths enough of a reason for me to attempt to become a doctor? Ha! I guess there’s really only one way to find out!

The Missed Winter

June 1st, I went to my 3rd degree meeting, and the entire time I felt drained, as if I hadn’t slept, and despite the adrenaline when I was picked on to answer a question, I found myself yawning and stretching the entire time.

June 2nd, I didn’t do anything special, and yet the results were the same: Yawning, exhausted, and all around tired. But I never was too tired to do something, nor did I fall asleep.

So what happened? Why did I feel so tired, and the answer was staring right at my face, well thousands of miles above my head: The Sun. It’s getting closer to summertime, and the Sun’s closer to the Earth giving us Longer days and shorter nights, but with an unstoppable increase in the temperature of each day.

Yet, Despite my love for Fire and blazing things, I’ve always preferred the Colder seasons to the Hotter, because in the Winter seasons, you need fire, hot cocoa, and other things to keep going. In order to beat it, you have to have fire in your heart, you have to stay together with others, and if you’re alone, it’s you against nature itself! The chill that crawls up your spine jolts your senses and you’re immediately rushed and awake! I love that winter chill, but the heat that comes in the summer…

It dulls the senses, it slows you down, you’re striving to find shade and freshness when every movement causes you to increase your body heat thus furthering your desire to cool down the body temperature! It’s a horrible cycle, if you stay still, you’re burning up, and if you move, you increase your body temperature through cellular metabolic breakdown of carbs, glucose, and fats, and you’re still burning up. The only people this sort of thing would benefit, are those who are nearby readily large bodies of water: Pools, Lakes, Ocean. But for those of us, who don’t have direct access, it’s horrible, being in the middle of land I’m forced to endure blistering heat and an unforgiving sun, if there’s a breeze, it’s too heated by the sun to provide any form of comfort or it’s smog from other cars passing by, and long days, which increases one’s exposure to all these problems exponentially.

Needless to say, I’m a fan of the Winter time, despite the lack of animal life, due to their hibernation instincts, I love the stillness, the tranquility, the long clear nights, that come with Winter. For the stillness, it’s relaxing, seeing everything stand still, but at the same time, I feel an urge to move and become the only moving thing in a still world. For the tranquility, I see it as a perfect counter in my day for the all of the chaos that I’m adapting to, on a daily basis. The nights, bring about the inner workings of people, their true aspects comes out in the evening hours, their desires, sometimes it’s a good thing, other times, it’s a not so good thing. But oftentimes, people reveal something about themselves in the Night that they don’t reveal in the day.

So now, I have to endure the inevitable heat that’ll come, but hey, it’s not all bad, for one, it helps me appreciate the Winter more and more.