Sacrifice

My world is defined by it, built by it, ruled by it. It is through sacrifices and what comes after, that my life has been what it is.

The Sacrifices of others, both known and unknown, however distant they may be related, I’ve come to realize that I’m constantly affected by it. I have heart-to-heart conversations with my family and it comes down to the fact that, they’ve given up something or have done something that causes them to be put at some sort of emotional risk.

At first, I had no idea of this concept, until I begin to think about some of the things that I have given up and will give up for the sake of others. My time spent with the girls, the heart-to-heart conversations where I’m having this discovery, and other situations where I’m giving up my own well-being for others. Now I’m seeing through different eyes, but this is a bit of a problem, on the one hand, I can appreciate those close to me, a lot more, I can laugh with them and learn to see them for what they’ve done.

On the other hand, for those who still don’t know of the sacrifices, and act as though nothing has been done, I’m more short with them, thinking that they’re being disrespectful to the one who had sacrificed. But that’s a problem, because the best sacrifices are the ones where no one is aware of what has been done. Otherwise, one would be sacrificing for the sake of acknowledgement and later on, praise, and that’s the completely wrong way to live life.

So needless to say, it’s really I who have a problem. I cannot get mad at people for reasons unknown to them, that’s unfair to everyone, I need to learn to calm down, to let it go.

I’ve been having that problem lately, trying to calm down, but that’s a post for another time.

The point I want to make here, is that I never really realized how much my life was paid for through others. I never knew how many fights there were on my behalf, nor how much time, energy and sanity was spent in order for me to become how I am at this moment. Which is why being the best that I can be has always been crucial to my life, I guess it’s only now that I realized that this had always been the reason. I must be a good man because so many people have given up so much for me! What kind of guy would I be if I simply threw it all away for no reason?!

To sacrifice something for someone else is the greatest sign of love and trust. The greater the sacrifice, the greater the love for the individual, the greater the trust, the greater the potential the individual has to do something or be something grand, because it’s not the energy of just one person, but two in one life, causing the capacity of potential to skyrocket and the quality of life to be richer.

So I need to keep going, and soon, I will be the one sacrificing family, friends, peace of mind, sanity, social life, and eventually my whole life, for the sake of others. And whether or not they’re aware of it, it doesn’t matter, because in the end, I will find a way to love them for who they are, heh, it’s always been in my nature to be an idiot like that, to have hope for the world.

“What kinda guy would I be?”

I remember saying this years ago, “What kinda guy would I be, if I was in this for the _______?” and I’d finish it with something that other people would normally give to others but not to me, i.e. gratitude, appreciation, or even just a plain “Thank you”.

Life took a rather funnier perspective each time I said it, it gave me a sense of humility and strength at the same time. I’m stronger because I didn’t need the recognition, and I’m humbled with the idea that I did the good deed simply out of nature. Heh, signs of a good man, maybe… Maybe, if I acted enough like a good man, or thought enough like a good man, I’ll be a good man? The sort of “fake it until you make it” sense.

You know, it’s strange to think that there are times when I’m not the good man, when I’m the one who needs help, or advice. Granted, I’m human and am expected to make mistakes and whatnot, but I often wonder what could cause me to no longer see through this perspective.

I’ve always liked this perspective, this ideal, this concept that I don’t need reciprocation of anything from anyone else, that ‘virtue is its own reward’ and that solidified the idea that I could possibly be a chivalrous man in this world. 

It comes with a fantastic yet subtle feeling, but it has always been able to take me with the gentlest of touches, like a child’s hand on one’s face; frail, soft and borderline innocent. Yet, it’s something I’ll instinctively reach for when it’s there, almost as if I don’t want it to fall. 

Ha ha ha, what is this? This is one of the strangest things to have crossed my path, if I were to call it anything, I’d call it: A Reminder.

A reminder that no matter what I’m faced with, virtue is always a choice, even if it’s at the end. A reminder that good people always do the right thing, regardless of the cost. A reminder that there’s still a chance that I can also be one of the good guys. 

I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes and I’m constantly searching ways to prevent these incidents and improve myself, in multiple levels of my life, maybe this is my path to trying to be a good man in this world. Heh, what kind of a guy would I be, if I didn’t try to be the best guy that I can be?

“In Order To Fulfill Your Life”

“That which is full can never be filled… and in LIFE in order to feel fulfilled one must first empty oneself of all selfish wants and needs in order to feel accomplished…”

This was spoken to me by my sister, she was voicing her concerns about my thinking about going to the Caribbean med school, I told her some fears that I had as time progress, how I was feeling scared that my efforts would eventually be for naught, but she told me that so long as I keep going, even repeating classes, or volunteering more, I’m still making progress, Maliha came to mind, as she’s older than me but is still trying to get into medical school, herself.

It’s a rather strange sentiment, but my sister is right when she tells me that life can be humbling at times, because I know I’m thinking from the perspective of, “OK, I’ve graduated and got my Bachelor’s so I’m going to medical school now!” when the actually process isn’t as certain, nor as straightforward. I think they’re not aware of that, despite my attempts at explaining it to them, but oh well…

So now I’m going to try to get into UCR, and since classes don’t start until mid-Sept, it looks like I’m going to have to make a few payments on the grand loan that I’ve been so concerned about, sigh… I hate spending money that isn’t mine. I need to try to remember that each step of my journey, however regretful, painful, or draining is a step closer, after all, going back to school can help my application and further my goals in the future, and wishful thinking is nothing more than a waste of time, I need to be assertive and take action!

Heh, I need to empty whatever thoughts and expections I already have in mind in order to truly fulfill my goals, that way I can be complete at the end, with all of the experiences that it entails. It’s a rather strange sentiment, I need to humble myself and let go of what I thought was going to happen, and really accept Life as it comes, I guess I was too busy worrying about things that aren’t in my control that I had forgotten what I could do. In the end, when one really puts the effort into it, one can do many great things, I can have 3 Bachelor’s with hundreds of Minors before I even apply to med school. So now, I need to focus my efforts on, not necessarily starting over, but on keeping focus on the idea that I need to have an insatiable desire to keep learning, to keep moving, a state of unsettled, a constant thirst for knowledge. After all, I really do like learning about new things, and I like to apply my knowledge to everything around me, heh despite the jeering from some of my other brothers, but I’ve always accepted the role of the guy with the scientific info, mostly because I want to see how I can simplify it for others. A strange accomplishment I feel each time I take something complex and simplify it for someone, just for the sake of it, most of the time, I doubt if they’ll ever remember my explanation but I always smile when I’m able do this.

So I guess I need to start making some calls in the morning for some appointments to get registered at UCR, this ought to be interesting.

I’m not a Man of Time

Time… The one aspect of life that’s always eluded me… The 4th dimension… The grand River…

I don’t know what’s with me, but I’ve never had a firm grasp on the concept, I never know what day it is, if I’m indoors, I wouldn’t know what hour it was, and I’m constantly baffled when I learn that I’ve lost days, with no recollection of what happened.

I’m truly a Man outside of Time.

It’s kinda funny in a way, I can stand there without a sense of hurry or be immediately rushed when I’ve got eons to finish a task. I suppose I’m merely on my own pace in life, and I’ve got to accept and utilize that.

Recently, I’ve received two separate objections to my going to Ross University, the fact that they were separate, and from people who’s opinions I cared about, told me that I should really consider the idea, and that maybe it’s not time yet.

I’ve been hesitant about my Personal Statement, it doesn’t feel right, and I haven’t submitted my AMCAS application yet, and to this moment, I still have no idea why, but one possibility is that, somewhere within me, there’s an indication that is saying that “it’s not time yet.”

I can work on increasing my grades in certain classes, I know this, but I was scared that if I started to this, my efforts towards medical school would be somehow wasted… Heh, writing it out like this, I can see that it doesn’t really make any sense. But it was making me anxious, add to that, the fact that my loans are now asking for their money back next Wednesday, and me without a job, trying to take care of my family and the house, let’s say, it’s enough to make a guy unsettled.

But there are always ways to fix this problem, the obvious, “get a job” but there’s also “Go back to school” and with school, I can still get a job (student job, anyways) and I can still work on my studies, improving my grades and maybe, just maybe find that piece that’s missing from my Personal Statement.

Man, it’s 2:37 am and it doesn’t even feel past 10 pm to me. I have to be careful, without Time, it’s possible that I can lose other structures in my mind, or maybe I’m just being paranoid. I’m beginning to notice that my thoughts are becoming random now, I should probably go to sleep.

 

A Division Diverted

It was a small favor… no it wasn’t, It was a large mistake. She was scared of so many things, that Greg and JP would be kicked out, that corruption would take the heart, and that all of this pain and suffering would be in vain, and life and dreams would be ruined.

She wanted me to accept her proposition and sacrifice myself, for her fear whispers things in her mind. To my regret, I accepted it, thinking that with my sacrifice, I would be the best candidate for the least amount of damage that this would do. Then she looked at my saddened face, for I knew what this proposition was going to do for the entire family, and she got sad, she hated seeing me sad. After a few hours, I went back to her and told her how to explain it so that it can reduce the damage even more, but still, my heart was heavy and I couldn’t shake this feeling of this mistake.

The next day, we were eating breakfast, and she asked me what was on my mind, because she can still see sorrow in my face, despite my best efforts; I questioned her fears, I questioned her nightmares, and I questioned her proposition, and to my discovery, it was all irrational.

Her fears have already been addressed and reassured, and are now nothing to be afraid of. The nightmare that constantly haunts her will never come to pass, and all of her pain and suffering will be rewarded. My sacrifice was no longer needed, and she thanked me for comforting her.

Man, that was something else! It took me a while day to actually process it in my own mind, but I actually helped the family avoid a problem that would cause it to be separated, this would’ve left a scar of unimaginable proportions!

Now my conscious is getting at me for not fixing this in the first place, but I’m relieved now. I need to learn to think about WHY people are doing these things before I start agreeing to these things. Her fears are valid, true, but the problem is that she’s forgotten everything that’s happened, and have allowed herself to be consumed by said fears, and me, simply agreeing to being part of the cause of a divided house, I’m an idiot!

Luckily, things didn’t happen that way and now, this near-division is only between her and I. I know now, that I have to be careful to what I agree to, to not be persuaded by the fears of others, and to remember what has happened to calm those fears. It’s like remembering why I want to be a doctor, My experiences speaks volumes, all I need to do is remember those times and all my fears will be put to rest.

Personal Responsibility

Ever since I’ve been back from Chicago, I’ve focused all of my attention on making my nieces happy, and trying to play with them and keep them happy. Yet, I’ve squandered my time alone. I’ve looked up lustful things, and stayed up until 3 am, just plain wasting time. Not to mention that I’ve allowed my eating habits to slip entirely, and my exercising has completely been non-existent, since I had left for Chicago.

So when I was saying outloud, “Man, I need to exercise again.” my niece Isa, overheard me and simply said, “You know, you can always ask us to leave you alone to exercise.” Sigh… There she goes again, with the simplest motion, the Child has once again helped me find an answer to help me find balance in my life, and have taught me a life lesson, all at once.

Personal Responsibility.

Some time ago, When Isa and Siry asked why I worked out, I told them that I always wanted to be as strong as I can so that when they ask me to do anything, I would never say, “I can’t do it because I’m not ______ enough.” Granted, I’m a poor man, so I can throw in “rich” and not feel guilty about it… Well, too much guilt.

So, while I’ve been spending time with the girls, my strength is waning, my stomach is growing… rounder, and over all, I’m getting weaker. My patience is shortened, and my body is stiffer, I’m not as limber as I used to be, which was like, 4 weeks ago!

Man! I need to be the example for the girls that I once was, well that is, one of the examples that they look at. They’ll record everything in their innocent eyes and I do not want to be the one who teaches them distrust and hatred, especially since I know about it first-hand.

So, I’ll keep myself responsible for myself! After all, there’s no one else who’s going to do so. I won’t be the weak link in this chain! I am going to get stronger, so that I will not make the same mistakes as those before me! I know I have it within me to do great things and I’m going to need all the strength I can muster for what lies ahead.

I have to learn that this Life was left in my charge and I have to make sure it’s the best life I can possibly live, to earn my name and this life that’s been spared from Death for so long, I have to check myself on all levels in order to live a happy and fulfilled life. So far, I’m rather lacking on my own levels towards a happy life, that’s probably because I’m still growing and maturing, I still have a long way to go before I can finally enjoy this life on my own terms. I’m actually looking forward to the future.

Now if I can just muster up some courage to submit my application, I’ll be set!