A Heart to Heart with Myself

Heh, I got into another argument with Siry yesterday, and the question my sister asked me afterwards was, “How can you let a 10 year-old get under your skin?” The exhaustion throughout was driving all of us to the point of frustration, so naturally a heart-to-heart talk arose. My Sister, my Bro-in-Law, Greggy, and myself were all trying to find out what it was, that was causing my short fuse, my lack of patience and what not.

After about 3-4 hours of conversation, we wound up at the discovery that I need to learn to let go and let God guide me.

Now this is something that resonated with me… Well, more like slapped me in the face.

“To let go” and have God guide my every step, to disregard all of my plans (what little plans I had) and to just live? All my years of praying and volunteering, thinking that this is what would bring me closer to God and that… isn’t it.

That is to say, that these aren’t good things, because helping others is always a good thing, however, the question here is internal, it’s spiritual. My prayers were always ritualistic, I prayed the Rosary every night, that would be perfect if my mind didn’t wonder onto random things during the prayers, which would make the words I spoke empty. So it’s not like praying a Rosary was a bad thing, but it wasn’t the best thing for me either. I was wondering which was more significant, a normal prayer or a Rosary? And as it turns out, a heartfelt prayer, however brief, was far greater than an empty Rosary, as my words were genuine and not simply straight from rote memory.

But my answer lies elsewhere. I’m not letting God in the right way. There’s a part of me that’s hesitating as to what to do, and my logical mind isn’t helping either. I would think “to let go” would be to relax muscles or to take deep breaths, but that’s only the physical part, I need to let God take over my life and my decisions, but why am I having such a hard time trying to do so? I’ve looked up several ways to let God into my life, but I’ve yet to come up with a solution for me.

I’m going to take the next couple of days to reflect and find out exactly where I am with God, for I owe him everything.


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