A Challenge for the Mind

It happened like a spark, a metaphorical slap to my face, another thing that has always been right in front of me and yet, I’ve somehow, yet again, managed to not see it until now. The Manly Switch that was in the OFF position, that desire to move forward with my life and yet unable to shake that ‘stuck’ feeling. It’s all because of one thing: Challenge.

My Mental health was completely ill, and that’s because I have nothing to think about. And then it happened.

Earlier tonight, my mom was feeling ill and my sister and I went to check on her, and her mind ran rapidly, she knew exactly what to do and how to do it. I stood there like a child at the experience and knowledge of my sister, and she doesn’t have a formal education, didn’t spend hours reading textbooks until her eyes bled, and didn’t put herself into debt just for that.

I thought to myself, “What have I been doing with myself?” Knowledge that would bring people to envy is right at my fingertips, and I could become an expert at the entire human anatomy, if I but just reached out and grabbed one of my books that’s literally within arm’s reach of me. I’ve been working my body, trying to become stronger, and yet, I’ve neglected my mind, everything I’ve worked towards, for the last couple of years is slipping from my grasp and when I try to put myself back into it, I’m going to stare at the information and look like a complete fool!

It’s really because I want to be someone that I’m not currently. I wanted to be a reader, so I started reading, and I’m really enjoying it, but now I want to be that kind of person who would throw seemingly unnecessary information at a simple question, I want to apply knowledge that I’ve learned into real life situations, what I’ve defined as true intellect. Seeing my sister do what I’ve wanted to do with my knowledge has opened my eyes to the fact that in order to be that kind of person, I need to remember what I’ve lost and to always strive to excel at what I should know.

So now, I’m going to start studying my books again. I’m going to return to my nerdy passions of learning and knowing things that the people around me would scratch their heads at. I will learn and re-learn and integrate it into my mind the human anatomy, until I can’t speak without throwing some random science fact in nearly every sentence! Not so that I can show off my knowledge, but so that I can challenge myself mentally and get rid of the feeling that I’m wasting my time, which I really was doing, mentally, at least.

My drive to learn will know no bounds!

Same Dream, Different Route

Sometimes an answer stares at you right in the face. For what seems to be the longest time, I’ve always thought that my path to Doctorhood, was a straight route, albeit difficult, but straight, nonetheless. But now I’ve come to realize that sometimes God has different plans for us, and I’ve been avoiding this change subconsciously for a couple of years now.

My dream has always been to be a doctor, to wear that white coat that symbolizes the level of responsibility and gravity that comes along with it. That being said, I believe I’m going to take a different route to get there. If my destiny is truly to end as a doctor, then perhaps this is merely a test to see whether or not I’m worthy of such a goal.

I’m going to apply to a Physician’s Assistant school.

This is something people have been telling me for years to try, it’s only 2 years, it’s a Masters Program, and once obtained, I will be working in the hospital, like I’ve always wanted to.

I think it’s God trying to test my intentions, to bring to light whether or not they’re really pure. I mean who knows, maybe I’ll stick to just being a PA and settle with that, or maybe I’ll be driven further to pursue my dream of becoming a Doctor.

But I believe that if this really God testing me, or rather, forging me into someone worthy of becoming a Doctor, then I need to prove to Heaven and Earth that I can do this. I remember my Journey when I climbed down a canyon, then lept across the way, the amount of steps that I took downward stayed with me: 3. Three steps before I made that leap, that means something! I graduated in 2012 and the starting classes for the PA school is in 2015 and during those years I wasn’t idle nor was I simply wasting time, I moved my family from one home to another, I helped my nieces get registered for school here in California, and spent time getting to know everyone on a deeper and more connected level, gaining trust that will last me lifetimes. Each and every day of these years was practically random with something new rising up to take up my attention. Some people take a year off or so, to discover themselves, I on the other hand, already know who I am and what matters most to me, all that’s left is to simply put it in action.

So now, my time will be spent focusing on trying to get into this school that will help me realize if this path is what God wanted for me, or if it’s something I wanted for myself. To prove whether or not, I’m trying to do good things because of the gifts received by God or because of something much less resolute.

If my resolve is truly solid, or if I’m going to fizzle out and settle for something less. Heh, I guess time will tell what’s going to come next. This is pretty exciting!

Validate

Validate:
verb: validate;

  1. check or prove the validity or accuracy of (something).
    “these estimates have been validated by periodic surveys”

The final part of this Heart-to-heart mini-series, but I don’t think it’ll be the last I ever have. So this is the end, the “Prove it!” section of this. Here I will lay out all of the evidence I have to support who I am and who I think I am.

Using my Manifesto as my base, I can provide the evidence on these aspects of my life.

  • GOD: This is my faith, I was raised in it, and hopefully will die in it. I’ve been reading the Bible lately as well as being more involved into my faith through prayers and actions. I’ve learned now that I can’t buy my way into Heaven by doing good things, no, I’ve already been saved, we all have, and it’s because of that fact that we should do good things because of this. I haven’t even lost my temper with Siry in quite some time, I’ve just let it go. I’m no longer going to the Young Adults Ministry due to my feeling that they’re not mature enough to help me grow in my faith, but I feel like I’m growing on my own, and hopefully I can find someone to help me grow even further.
  • Family: Well, as mentioned before, I haven’t lost my temper with Siry, and I’ve been feeling pretty good, despite the fact that I’m currently inflicted with some illness that’s causing me to not be able to make my thoughts coherent, or to make me doze off, or make me feel like my body is heavier than it normally is.
  • Kindness: I’ve been feeling pretty good in terms of my life’s purpose and goals, and I know that when I don’t, I don’t say kind things to myself in private, but I haven’t said these unkind words to myself in quite some time, so I know that my life is improving.
  • Respect: I’m becoming more aware of what’s around me in terms of life. I’m learning that there’s more than one way to become a doctor, as I’m taking the Physician’s Assistant route, and I’m becoming more aware of how well one should take care of one’s health, due to the fact that in the current moment, I’m meeting up with Greggy and Norm at the Gym.
  • Balance: With my new goal, PA, and everything that’s included in it, I’m looking forward to this as a new challenge. I’ll soon be moving forward just like I had prayed for, and I’ll be living with a purpose and my resolve will be fulfilled once again! Looks like Balance will come to me soon enough.

So this probably isn’t what I had originally had in mind when I started it, but I can’t get a single straight thought in, I hate being sick. I guess I’ll finish this here.

Verify

Part 4 of my Heart-to-Heart with myself, it’s been coming for quite a while…

Verify:
verb: verify;

  1. make sure or demonstrate that (something) is true, accurate, or justified.
    “his conclusions have been verified by later experiments”
    synonyms: substantiateconfirmprovecorroborate, back up, bear out, justify,supportuphold, attest to, testify to, validateauthenticateendorse,certify

    antonyms: refute
    • LAW
      swear to or support (a statement) by affidavit.

Heh, I’ve gotta admit, this is a rather difficult post to write, simply because, I’m not sure what to put, but luckily, an answer came to me in the form of a fortune:

“You are capable, competent, creative, careful. Prove it.”

 Granted, these are just scraps of paper, I’m a man who believes that certain things come into your life when they need to be. And oddly enough, this particular fortune rings true with me. I was having a bit of a time trying to figure out exactly what to verify, but I think this fits.

In all honesty, there are a LOT of things that I am, many roles that I play in this world, and each with their own rules and  responsibilities. But that’s where this fortune comes in, these 4 adjectives define me within a pretty accurate, albeit broad spectrum, and yet, it’s the last two words that made me want to use it to write this post with. “Prove it.” I’ve always said that you must always provide evidence to any and all claims that are there. Also the next post in this series is “Validate” which is essentially the same thing.

You know, writing it down like this, I realize that I never would’ve used these particular adjectives to describe myself, and I find myself really agreeing with these choices. In all honesty, I wouldn’t change any of them. It fits. Now to see this series to it’s end.

The End of a Challenge

Day 31: Reflect on the last 30 days of journaling. Did you enjoy the experience? What did you learn about yourself? What was most difficult? Will you continue the practice? If so, take some time to map out how you’d like your journaling habit to continue. It can be entirely up to you; don’t worry about following a set of rules. Maybe you want to write every day, maybe you’re okay with a slightly longer session every month or so. Just make sure it’s something that you want to do.

Man, has it already been 31 days? I’ve gotta say, this was a lot of fun. Very insightful, I’ve learned quite a bit about myself and what I believe in. The most difficult parts where the ones that required me to admit my faults, that’s obvious, but also the ones that required reading over a series of topics, like the Archetypes, I usually do my entries late in the night, so I’m up at 2 AM with bloodshot eyes trying to read and then think introspectively afterwards. Not the wisest of decisions. Well, of course I’m going to continue this practice of journaling, it’s fun and interesting to have my thoughts on these digital pages. Hmm… It was pretty difficult to do this every day and there were days when I couldn’t, so if I had to form a plan to journal, I’d like to aim for 2-3 times a week. That would give me some time to reflect intently, as well as have days to not to, and most likely veg out in front of a game or show. But, I’ve been doing this for quite some time and now I’m going to keep writing, keeping all that I’ve discovered and learned with me.