Know Thyself – Or Maybe I Don’t

One thing I’ve always tried my best at is to know how I will react when faced with a particular situation. I’d imagine myself being the talkative drunk, or that blank situation is where I’ll be silent until some outside force compels me to speak, and so on.

But time and time again, I’ve found myself surprized at my own reactions, lately. And it’s got me thinking, “Maybe I don’t know myself as well as I thought I did.”

I mean, I often imagine and have prayed for courage and when I had that Presence about me, I was scared, genuinely, to the point where, I switched from praying the Rosary to praying a normal prayer, just so that I wouldn’t feel that pass by me.

Branching off of that, I never imagined myself having the Faith, but not believing in it. All these years and I’m justĀ saying the words, rote and completely hollow. I know this to be true, because I should’ve remembered that God is with me, especially when I’m scared, so when I was fearful of the Presence, I didn’t let God take control, nor did I ask him for courage or strength during this time. All I did was tell myself that I wasn’t afraid.

Taking it one step further, I asked myself, “How is it possible to feel fear and lose to it?” and thoughts of V for Vendetta came to mind, “There is more than flesh beneath this mask, there’s an idea, Mr. Creedy, and ideas are bulletproof!”

And it hit me. I felt fear, lost, weak, all because of the simple fact that at my center I didn’t really have one singular idea or concept to set as my core. I’ve written my own manifesto, and I have ideals and morals that I uphold, but to have one stand above all else, a Motto, so to speak, this is what I was lacking, something intangible, that I would risk everything to uphold.

Various resources often tell me that my best phrase is “I am” so this is something that must remain ‘ahead’ of that phrase, so I chose something that doesn’t start with “I am”.

I was never given the gift of paranormal sight from God, and I’m perfectly fine without it, quite honestly, I’d probably scream like a 5-year-old girl should I have the ability to actually see the Presence that haunted me for a time, and to truthfully write that, is a sad thing in of itself. So I blending a mixture of my beliefs and values to make this idea:

“To see the face of God.”

This is perfect for someone like me, because it’ll resonate with me on various levels:

  • Should I be faced with a life-or-death situation, I’ll remember to be good until the last moment
  • Should someone need help, to any degree, I’ll offer what I can, due to the fact that by helping them, I’m helping Christ, in Christ’s name
  • It’ll remind me to stay strong in the face of various temptations, fear, anger, lust, and so on, because if I give in, then I won’t see God’s Face
  • As of this moment, I don’t have the ability to see God’s Face whenever I pray, so it’s a goal to aim for, even if I never achieve it, but I don’t plan on to, I just plan on keep going forward

So this will be my Center. A rhetorical idea that cannot be altered due to it’s unending nature… Almost like a labrynth, yet, it holds true to what I hold dear to my heart.

So now all that’s left is to make sure this idea, this concept to life, is burned into my thoughts, and becomes the center of my being, my flame.

For God, for my family and friends, and for myself.