These last few days, I’ve been in somewhat of a haze. I was there, but at the same time, I wasn’t. My attention shifted and my mind zoned in and out of the present here and now, and then miles away. It was brought to my attention by my sister, heh, because I was supposed to pull out some chicken for us to eat, and I instead separated them and put it away, much to her disappointment.

I’ve always been one always aim to improve himself, and when this came to my focus, my mind instantly flooded with instances in which this claim might be true. Soon after, the causes of this.

We were driving to the stores at the time, and so she asked me questions to help me sort out what exactly it could be that I’m feeling, and one idea is that, I’m in some sort of an Emotional State of Depression.

Not the stereotypical “I hate ___.” or “There’s no point to living.” On the contrary, I love my life. But it’s a state of apathy, or lethargic that I’m in. I’m comfortable where I’m at, with nothing really important to wake up for, and nothing to strive for, my path to medical school is hidden from me, and I’m just moving in and out of each day.

It’s a horrible, soft, grey feeling. It’s not like I lost a limb or feeling something like a wall, it almost feels like I’m not feeling anything at all, like I’m becoming numb to the world, and to this life. Just thinking about it, angers me. I hate this feeling, because I’d rather feel something than nothing! And that’s what this is, an all-consuming, wave of numbing nothingness.

And what this feeling takes away above all things is Purpose.

Purpose is what causes us to wake up in the mornings, what inspires us to move forward, what we base the foundations of our lives upon. What drives our enthusiasm and what brings us hope to believe in faith. Purpose, the silent whisper that echos in the darkness, “Keep going.” What nearly every protagonist in every anime/manga/story has in order to conquer their inner and outer demons.

Purpose is the singular definition of our lives, it is integrated into every aspect of our being, even to where it becomes a part of a checklist in searching for a mate… Hmmm, that’s probably why this whole thing with Celena didn’t pan out, because I was still purposeless at the time, but that’s for another time.

No, Purpose is what I’m missing from my life. That drive that causes me to move forward, to strive and dig deep in any situation I come across, that which sparks the internal flame that burns within me, the name of the light I cast upon the darkness.

But before Purpose can be introduced into my life, I need to discover what it is that is my Purpose in this life.

And I think I have an idea. You see, I never completely thrown myself into the world of Medicine, I’ve shadowed a doctor, and volunteered for a couple of hours, but these were really just side things while my attention was focused on other things like school and work. My only medical hero is Dr. Giuseppe Moscatti, and I don’t even know his life, save for the saint DVD my mom bought. I never became passionate about doctors and medicine, fascinated, from time to time, but my enthusiasm never reached the point of “Passionate/Obsessed”. And maybe that’s where I should start, after all, I do want to be a doctor, I should learn about them and their paths, I might find some that have histories similar to mine.

Upon writing this entry, I’ve happened upon an article written by a man named Mark Manson, here.

And within it, I found these words resonating with me:

“When people feel like they have no sense of direction, no purpose in their life, it’s because they don’t know what’s important to them, they don’t know what their values are.

And when you don’t know what your values are, then you’re essentially taking on other people’s values and living other people’s priorities instead of your own. This is a one-way ticket to unhealthy relationships and eventual misery.

Discovering one’s “purpose” in life essentially boils down to finding those one or two things that are bigger than yourself, and bigger than those around you. And to find them you must get off your couch and act, and take the time to think beyond yourself, to think greater than yourself, and paradoxically, to imagine a world without yourself.”

Maybe that’s why I’m feeling lost, because I haven’t found what’s more important to me than my own life, and not just my life, the lives of everyone around me. Wow, that’s pretty big. I’ve often placed the lives and well-beings of others above my own expense, but to value something even bigger than that, heh, it’s something I haven’t thought about before.

Well, in Mr. Manson’s article, it emphasizes that one can never discover one’s purpose by sitting in front of the TV, or by playing video games constantly, or by just ignoring it. No, you discover your purpose by going out there and actively looking for it, doing what you think is right, what you know is right, and what you’ve never done before.

It is going to take me a while to get myself out there. but I’d rather be out there stumbling and discovering than constantly in this one spot being slowly devoured by this numbing feeling, wondering where my life and passion went.

… Heh, all this talk of Purpose reminds me of The Matrix Reloaded, the scene where Agent Smith talks to Neo about Purpose.


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