With a new year, comes new changes. And in my particular case, I rearranged my room, lowered some towering furniture and, according to my sister who gave me the layout idea, opened up the energy in my room, and I must say, there’s a real change in the feel of the room.
One suggestion for my layout is to have the room reflect my goals, and that meant “putting away” some childish things that I had on display originally. Growing up, I never had very many possessions, so I’m naturally a sentimentalist, what I do, have I cherish. At the current moment, it’s a lot of things a kid would have: 2 Gundam models, a one-winged Charizard, a keychain Psyduck, a couple of rocks that Isa gave me, and so on. My walls were bare due to the towering shelves, and the one thing that wasn’t in sight was my one achievement: My bachelors degree.
Began this entry way back in January, and now it is May 9th, suffice to say, the room is not what it was when I started this entry. For starters my degree is right in the middle of the wall where I can view it everyday.
So now with my own solitude changed, there’s the matter of my own self that needs to change…
I’m working a full-time, mostly physically demanding job (at Amazon) with benefits, I have money to help out my family, and even enough to have it saved, for a rainy day, and I even have things to look forward to: Having my loans and affairs ordered, Learning how to play my new Acoustic Guitar, School in the Fall (Bioengineering degree), and saving up for a new car.
Heh heh, it feels so weird saying this, thinking this. I don’t know why I’m reacting like this. I’m not freaking out, it’s just a little unsettling. Then again, why should it? I strive for balance in life, why does it seem strange that I’m close to obtaining it? Maybe I’m prone to entropy and chaos…
But I don’t want to be.
I do want this to work. I want to be able to move forward with my life, to be able to live independently and not rely on anyone, but to be the one whom people rely on. And I can’t do that unless I push forward. Unless I try to go outside of my comfort zone and do things when I’m tired and exhausted.
I have to oftentimes yell and degrade myself, because it’s only when my flaws are brought to my attention can I strive to fix them, even if I’m the one bring them to my own attention.
Because a child quits when he’s bored or tired, but an adult grits his teeth and keeps going even beyond the point of pain and suffering. He pushes because he knows it’s the right thing to do, and I haven’t been an adult, but a child. I need to push myself through these things that need to be done, but I’m procrastinating.
Maybe it’s fear, or just laziness, but whatever it is, I need to be rid of it now. God didn’t give me this life, nor saved it from the jaws of Death, only for me to waste it.
I am going to grow up, there is no other choice in the matter.