Several days ago, I was praying.
It was an ordinary day, nothing special happened to have spurred anything, but that night, in my prayers, I saw many things.
They were plans of how to get into medical school, ‘Become a PA then use that experience to…’ ‘Become an EMT and…’ ‘Volunteer and do this and…’ And. And. And.
Over and over again, scenarios ran through my mind, all these different routes in order to please, wow, astonish, fascinate, interest a group of people, I believed, would decide my fate.
All of these plans and more, for the sole purpose of making me seem more than what I am right now in the eyes of people who have never heard of me before…
Then a memory came. It was my sister. We were driving and she was listening to these very same ideas and her response was, “I think you’re not sticking to any of these plans is because you’re trying to do this all on your own. On your own strength.” she elaborated on the fact that none of these plans had a solid moral center. The moral center. In other words, none of these plans I had made, had God in mind.
Then each scenario faded away, and I was left in the emptiness of my mind. It was then I came to a conclusion: All my life, I was struggling, fighting, crawling my way through. Each milestone had to be drenched in my blood, sweat, and tears, so that way, I alone can claim it. And yet, it felt so hollow. My bachelor’s degree that sits on the wall before me, is just a piece of paper to my mind, a reminder that I owe money to businesses and that I’m still not in medical school.
Where was God in all that? I think a better question would be: Where did I put God in all of that?
I thanked God for laying my father to rest, and He lessened my pain. But I didn’t really plan out my future with God’s guidance, I merely said things like, “This is a good idea.I’ll do that.” and, “It’ll look good on my resume/application.” Not once had I really thought, “I think this is where God wants me to go.”
And I think that’s been my problem this entire time. Being the youngest out of 7 kids, you don’t get to claim a lot as your own, which became ingrained in one’s mind that ‘it has to be you, and only you. Otherwise, it wasn’t you who did it.’ (In all honesty, I don’t know why I thought like this, but this way of thinking stuck with me for some time.) So I’ve done something I never thought I’d do. I simply let go. In the middle of that night, on my knees, and before God (I’d like to think), I surrendered and placed my Cross before Him. My hopes, my fears, my victories, and even my defeats, I placed it all in His hands. And now, I feel… different. It’s strange, almost. But I definitely feel that something is different. So needless to say, I don’t know how or when something is going to happen, but whatever comes my way, I’ll leave it in God’s hands.
But I have to make sure that I do my upmost each and every day, trust God when he’s trying to tell me something in the middle of the fray, and trust that small voice that says, “Listen.” Otherwise, I’ll miss every opportunity.
It’s been several days now, and I am starting to tell when God is trying to tell me something and the repercussions of when I don’t listen. Heh, talk about your trial by fire.
I’m not usually one to go through life without some sort of plan for the future, but right now, the plan is: Surrender to God.