When You’re Angry

Despite my journey and age, I still consider myself an young man, “just a kid” if you will, with many experiences still lying in wait for me in the years to come, and with this in mind, I’ve come across more than several occasions where I’m forced to face the consequences of my actions, or lack thereof. In these situations, I immediately reflect on what wrongs I have done, and how often I’ve done them, triggers associated with it, and so on. And it was due to a recent event, that I’ve come to a realization that when people are angry, they’re revealing the fact that they’ve had their vulnerable sides exposed to me. And that vulnerability is more truthful toward what sort of character that you truly possess. All of your walls, the bridges you’ve burned, and the people you’ve interacted with, all of those things are displayed before me with your sharp voice, your piercing gaze, even within the insults you’re using to hurt me.

You’re showing me that you’re vulnerable, and you don’t want to be, or rather, you don’t want to remember the pain you’ve tried to forget, from however long ago.

Granted, I don’t want to have to make you angry to see who you really are, but this is more of a silver lining to this scenario.

It’s strange to think about, when one is angry, they are in a state to use their strength and their fury, but also they reveal their most scarred and sorrowful experiences, all at once, showing you their pain and everything tied to it.

As time passes, we learn to control our anger, either modify it so that you’re only angry to a point, or to change the actual trigger itself, or some other variation on that, but the point is that in one form or another when we are at our lowest/highest/breaking point, we show in however brief a moment, who we are to the world, to the people, and especially to yourself

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A Weight Lifted

I’m currently in Chicago, Il. visiting my sister and her family, enjoying the sights and foods of Chicago before I go back to California with my nieces. But they went ahead of me with another brother, so my sister tells me to stay for a few more days to enjoy more of Chicago. So that’s what I’m doing, and we were all sitting at a Chinese Buffet with an actual Stir-fry chef, and we were all talking, my sister, my bro-in-law, and myself. We were talking about all sorts of things, and at the end of the rather lengthy conversation, I was walking towards the car both, heavier due to all of the food I’ve eaten, and lighter because I’ve found two very important answers to questions that have been haunting me for quite some time.

One, the main source of my frustrations and anger with JP have now been manifested into something that brings me comfort: Asperger’s. Of course! How could it have eluded me all this time! Then again, the last psychology class I took was in High school, so it’s some comfort that I didn’t catch this beforehand. But FINALLY something to work with! And I’ve been looking it up every chance I got, and it’s almost funny how the problems other people have described and the symptoms and disorders listed are all things, familiar to me, things I’ve faced and are frustrated with. Asperger’s disorder and syndrome, oh, how these words have provided me with much needed relief, not that I’m glad that they have it, on the contrary, I’m now finally glad to see that with this, well for lack of a better word, ‘Label’, I now know what problems to expect, and now can start finding ways to improve not only my relationship with said brother, but finding ways to help them move on with their lives, and become more accepting of themselves.

The second weight is more directed towards myself, and it’s a phrase I kept hearing David and Nena say throughout the conversation, when it came towards future aspects: “Let it go because you never know what’s going to happen next.” These words echoed with me. I don’t know why, but my ability to let go of my frustrations was waning, and I’ve found myself feeling more and more angry, my thoughts would be filled with dark images and fury, it was unsettling, to say the least. I’ve never acted upon them, but the fact that they’d last longer and longer, with anger from years ago, was becoming a problem. I didn’t want this anger, this rage within me, I wanted to be a good man, how could I be that when I helped one man and hated another? It doesn’t work. I’ve told my nieces: “People are like dishes, they’re not clean until every single part of them is clean, even the parts no one sees or uses.” So for me to have thoughts of hatred or anger doesn’t work. Eventually one side will come out, and that’ll be revealed as my true character. So I want my thoughts, words, actions, habits, values, and eventual destiny to be as clean as possible, because of all of the things I know I’m going to be facing in the future, and if there’s one shadow of a doubt, or if there’s a chance that I could be corrupted, then I lose my soul. But back to the subject at hand, letting it go, for the sake of the fact that tomorrow shall forever remain a mystery, I should learn to let go of all of the small things that other people have done to me. It’s the basic principle of “Forgive everyone” you’re suppose to forgive them, because you never know when you’ll see them again, heck, I could die in a plane crash on my way back home on Tuesday and if my heart is full of things that hadn’t been let go by the time of my untimely death, then I won’t be able to pass over, and I’ll stay stuck in limbo or as an evil spirit. In either case, Letting go of things is a way of being able to move on in life and to not dwell on the past that’ll eventually drag one down.

Man, I’m really grateful for my sister and her husband, without their conversations, their ability to view me as both, an equal and as a child full of potential, has given me the confidence to really learn from them and to appreciate what an adult should act like, and what I should strive to be. And now, with this weight lifted, I can now continue my path on trying to be a good man, without fear of being corrupted or losing my soul.

The Source of My Wrath

I was praying the Rosary last night, and various scenarios came across my mind, involving someone close coming to me asking me for advice for their problems, and they’re frustrated, and acting in their usual manners, but something occurred that troubled me. You see, it’s natural for them to be frustrated and angry and ignorant to the advice given to them, but in each scenario, my voice was raised, my words became sharp, and I became angry, I snapped at whoever came to me.

And it was most troubling…

I remember just a few years ago, I was perfectly fine when facing a frustrating person, I was calm and collected. So why are my thoughts full of anger right now?

I found a prayer card we printed when my Father died, it was the St. Francis of Assisi prayer:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light.
Where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Amen.

My father always liked St. Francis more than the other saints, so we chose this prayer. So when I read it again after sometime, the very first line echoed with me, “Lord, make me an instrument of your peace” Peace. Not wrath, not anger, not frustration, peace.

So, the question rises again: Why am I so angry?

Am I just around angry people? or is it something more? Granted, I suffered a rather serious defeat with a bad MCAT score, so my path to Med school, is delayed a bit. And I’m well aware that there are plenty of people younger than me who have already achieved what I want, and whatnot. Basically, I do have a lot to be frustrated about, but what’s concerning to me, is that I am frustrated about it. Usually, I hold no frustrations in my mind, nor in my heart.

So how did this happen?

I guess, my mind is looking for something, I don’t know exactly what, but it’s obviously something important, to help balance me out. Perhaps it’s interaction, before, I had many people to interact with people which different energy, and it was refreshing, now that I’m done with school, my interactions with said people is now almost non-existent, so all the people that I have left to interact with, aren’t people I’d normally interact with simply because I know their history, and their mannerisms, but now I have no choice, because I have no reason and often times no choice to leave the house.

Sigh…

Regardless of the reasons, if I’m angry here, who’s the say I won’t be angry when facing the patients, the very people I’m going to swore to protect. I need to gain better control over my thoughts, and find reasons to not be swayed by the frustrations of others. It’s all in the Head, as the old saying goes. If I simply stick to what I know is true, and what I know I’m supposed to be doing, the Right thing, so to speak, then regardless of how my grant my internal struggle is, I’ll find the Will power to contain it, until I can find a proper vent.

Feeling too comfortable…

It’s been weeks since my MCAT test… or failure for that matter… And as time pass, I find myself feeling… comfortable.

Comfort in this less-than-average existence, comfort in living as a leech and not aiming for the Stars, comfort in not going out and exploring my options. I’m comfortable where I’m at, at this very moment.

… What a terrible and horrid feeling this is…

Yes, it is terrible to feel comfortable, because at this point I’m no where near doing anything I wanted to do in my life. I’m not helping people, I’m not risking anything, I’m not improving my own life nor the lives of others. I’ve become stagnant, tranquil, apathetic.

A chemical reaction is a display of furious energy displaced on various scales, yet when it has reached perfect balance, what is observed is nothing the fury of reactions that once dazzled the sky has finished and all that is left is simply dust settling. A Grand Flame is the result of an insatiable beast growing and rising challenging all, and defying Life and Death as it takes wave after wave of watery attacks only to seem unstoppable, yet, then all of the wood has turned to ashes, when all it can feast upon are gone, where is the beast? A soldier in battle fights, not for the cause of the politician, but fights for his family back home, for his friends who are beside him on the battlefield. Stone, steel, mortar, bullet, fire, fists, he braves them all for the sake of his return home. And yet, when he does… He feels as if he’s lost something back there, something in the fog of war, something stolen by his fallen friends and enemies alike, and all he is left with is loss and regret.

I feel like I’m standing in quicksand. I’m sinking slowly and I’m afraid that when I realize that I’ll die, it’ll be too late for me to pull myself out. Has one event deterred me from all further attempts? Why am I so comfortable then? What happened to that Burning passion that lay within?

I remember this feeling made me feel like I had to run half of the time. Just bolt, not knowing where, but wherever I was headed, that was where I needed to go.

I need to remind myself of that feeling again. That imbalance that causes a ferocious display of energy and enthusiasm. I need to set myself on fire again and Run! I also need to find out what’s causing me to be in such a sorry state. Am I tired? Burned out? What could it be? I have more than enough motivation to inspire 10 people! Yet all I want to is just sit still and fade away… Fade into the wind like the ashes of my past did… Be forgotten in the rivers of time… Such a sweet death, nice and quiet… To have my fate unknown by everyone…

Except I will know…

I will know that I gave up, that I’d quit my dreams, that not only will I not make this world a better place, but I will add to it by becoming a blank face among the sea of neutrality.

Heh, I guess it’s a good thing to start feeling angry at such thoughts. But anger isn’t the right emotion, because anger is negative, I should start feeling passionate about doing something with my life. Passion is what truly cases one to move forward, passion is what lies in the heart of all those who vow to change the world, and without passion, we become apathetic, still, neutral.

Life isn’t meant to be comfortable in mediocrity. Ships and sailors aren’t hardened by smooth sailing. a good Sword and a good Soul aren’t made, they’re forged. Ayn Rand put it best,

Do not let the fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the Hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desire can be won. It exists. It is real. It is possible. It is yours” – Ayn Rand