Same Dream, Different Route

Sometimes an answer stares at you right in the face. For what seems to be the longest time, I’ve always thought that my path to Doctorhood, was a straight route, albeit difficult, but straight, nonetheless. But now I’ve come to realize that sometimes God has different plans for us, and I’ve been avoiding this change subconsciously for a couple of years now.

My dream has always been to be a doctor, to wear that white coat that symbolizes the level of responsibility and gravity that comes along with it. That being said, I believe I’m going to take a different route to get there. If my destiny is truly to end as a doctor, then perhaps this is merely a test to see whether or not I’m worthy of such a goal.

I’m going to apply to a Physician’s Assistant school.

This is something people have been telling me for years to try, it’s only 2 years, it’s a Masters Program, and once obtained, I will be working in the hospital, like I’ve always wanted to.

I think it’s God trying to test my intentions, to bring to light whether or not they’re really pure. I mean who knows, maybe I’ll stick to just being a PA and settle with that, or maybe I’ll be driven further to pursue my dream of becoming a Doctor.

But I believe that if this really God testing me, or rather, forging me into someone worthy of becoming a Doctor, then I need to prove to Heaven and Earth that I can do this. I remember my Journey when I climbed down a canyon, then lept across the way, the amount of steps that I took downward stayed with me: 3. Three steps before I made that leap, that means something! I graduated in 2012 and the starting classes for the PA school is in 2015 and during those years I wasn’t idle nor was I simply wasting time, I moved my family from one home to another, I helped my nieces get registered for school here in California, and spent time getting to know everyone on a deeper and more connected level, gaining trust that will last me lifetimes. Each and every day of these years was practically random with something new rising up to take up my attention. Some people take a year off or so, to discover themselves, I on the other hand, already know who I am and what matters most to me, all that’s left is to simply put it in action.

So now, my time will be spent focusing on trying to get into this school that will help me realize if this path is what God wanted for me, or if it’s something I wanted for myself. To prove whether or not, I’m trying to do good things because of the gifts received by God or because of something much less resolute.

If my resolve is truly solid, or if I’m going to fizzle out and settle for something less. Heh, I guess time will tell what’s going to come next. This is pretty exciting!

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Validate

Validate:
verb: validate;

  1. check or prove the validity or accuracy of (something).
    “these estimates have been validated by periodic surveys”

The final part of this Heart-to-heart mini-series, but I don’t think it’ll be the last I ever have. So this is the end, the “Prove it!” section of this. Here I will lay out all of the evidence I have to support who I am and who I think I am.

Using my Manifesto as my base, I can provide the evidence on these aspects of my life.

  • GOD: This is my faith, I was raised in it, and hopefully will die in it. I’ve been reading the Bible lately as well as being more involved into my faith through prayers and actions. I’ve learned now that I can’t buy my way into Heaven by doing good things, no, I’ve already been saved, we all have, and it’s because of that fact that we should do good things because of this. I haven’t even lost my temper with Siry in quite some time, I’ve just let it go. I’m no longer going to the Young Adults Ministry due to my feeling that they’re not mature enough to help me grow in my faith, but I feel like I’m growing on my own, and hopefully I can find someone to help me grow even further.
  • Family: Well, as mentioned before, I haven’t lost my temper with Siry, and I’ve been feeling pretty good, despite the fact that I’m currently inflicted with some illness that’s causing me to not be able to make my thoughts coherent, or to make me doze off, or make me feel like my body is heavier than it normally is.
  • Kindness: I’ve been feeling pretty good in terms of my life’s purpose and goals, and I know that when I don’t, I don’t say kind things to myself in private, but I haven’t said these unkind words to myself in quite some time, so I know that my life is improving.
  • Respect: I’m becoming more aware of what’s around me in terms of life. I’m learning that there’s more than one way to become a doctor, as I’m taking the Physician’s Assistant route, and I’m becoming more aware of how well one should take care of one’s health, due to the fact that in the current moment, I’m meeting up with Greggy and Norm at the Gym.
  • Balance: With my new goal, PA, and everything that’s included in it, I’m looking forward to this as a new challenge. I’ll soon be moving forward just like I had prayed for, and I’ll be living with a purpose and my resolve will be fulfilled once again! Looks like Balance will come to me soon enough.

So this probably isn’t what I had originally had in mind when I started it, but I can’t get a single straight thought in, I hate being sick. I guess I’ll finish this here.

Blueprints for Red’s Life

Day 26: For three days, we’ll work from AoM’s “Craft the Life You Want” series. While many things in life are out of our control, there are more things than we often realize that are in our control. Most often, we simply don’t realize that we have the power to change things in our life when we aren’t happy. Today, work on crafting a life plan. It can be a long process, so if you’re short on time, start by defining your various roles as a man, and your ultimate purpose and goals within those roles, including specific action steps.

Since I don’t have a lot of time at the moment, I’ll do the condensed prompt…

Red’s Roles as a Man:

  • Student – I’m currently doing nothing towards this role, save for the random curiosity search, but my Ultimate purpose is to be someone who’s always learning new things, sometimes because I want to, other times because I’ll need to. Being a doctor, I’ll be forced to learn about new diseases as well as new medications or procedures, I need to maintain the drive to constantly learn new things. The plans for these will be to review notes, and actively learn, or re-learn things until they’re stuck in my mind.
  • Son – Still living at home, I’m trying to remain a good son I offer my time when I can, trying to remain respectful and compassionate. My Ultimate purpose with this is to simply remain as good a son as possible until, I become the Parent. For now, it’s staying the course, and making sure I don’t lose my temper or become aggravated.
  • Brother – Being the Youngest, I have little expected of me, but I want to prove myself as an adult as well as a friend, and this to me, defines a brother, at this point in my life. My Ultimate purpose is to extend this to those who aren’t my kin, but to be a brother to everyone who comes to me. Specific actions of these, require me to have a LOT of patience, and to earn the respect of others, by being respectful. So maybe learning how to stay calm, or how to become friendly with all persons of all backgrounds.
  • Uncle – Being a parent when I’m not the parent, that’s what being an Uncle is to me. My Ultimate purpose with this is to try to be someone the girls (and whoever else calls me ‘Uncle’) can trust and love. Specific actions are to pretty much be there when the girls need me, and to give them what they need without spoiling them… too much.
  • Friend – I’m an introvert, but I do have people I like to talk to and hang out with. My Ultimate purpose is to become a trusted individual to all those who call me ‘friend’. Specific actions required of me are to actively hang out with other people and have a good time.
  • Disciple – Catholic, learning the ways of God and Christ. My Ultimate purpose is to have religion as the center of my moral compass and reflected in who I am, and what I do. Specific actions required of me are to be more present in church, volunteering, and actively learning more about my religion, reading the bible and whatnot.
  • Athlete – What good is it to tell others to be healthy when I’m not healthy myself? My Ultimate Purpose is to learn a martial art, or two, and become proficient in self-defense as well as being strong enough to help other people should a disaster strike.

These other roles aren’t important to my life as the previous ones, so I don’t have an ultimate purpose for them, they’re simply roles that I take on throughout my days.

  • Tutor –
  • Mentor
  • Writer
  • Volunteer
  • Nerd
  • Handyman
  • Babysitter
  • Driver

A Day in the Future

Day 8: Take some time today to reflect on your career. Jot down a timeline of it, including all the ups and downs. What was your best experience? And the worst? What would you like your future to look like, in terms of your career? If you’re a young man and haven’t started in yet, focus on that future part. What do you want your work to look like?

Ahhh, my Career. Truth be told, my career at this current moment is consistent of student working jobs and the odd job. So I’ve really no actual experience to speak of, I guess that makes me focus more on the future part of this prompt. What I would like my future to look like. Hmm… I’ve always dreamt that my future would be calm in one moment and frantic in the other, this is, of course, my dreams of doctor-hood. Talking to people, conversing with them, getting to know them, giving them comfort and hope, allowing myself to connect with others on a level that is consistent of respect and genuine care. I see myself, punching the wall for not being able to save someone, and I also see me picking myself up time after time, only to get back into the fray. I see myself smiling with tired eyes and a battered soul, and yet, I still go in day after day, putting on that white coat, what will be my white cross to bear, and I’m smiling every time I put it on. My future will be balanced between the slow days that drag on for hours in surgery and the fast paced think-on-your-feet moments that will make it seem like there are not enough hours in that same day.

Heh, this is a mixture of what I would like my future to be, as well as what it probably will be when I am a doctor. I have no problems working in a fast pace, nor taking things slow, in all honesty, I would not mind it at all, because that would mean that I’m making a difference in someone’s life, if not making an attempt to save someone’s life. Always trying to help others even at the expense of my own well-being, this is how I see my future.

Is It Enough?

Today I had lunch with a doctor who was going to write me a letter of recommendation. So we walked from his office to a nearby Subway and he asked me questions about myself and my beliefs and ideals in order to get a more personal view of me. So I answered his questions in the best ways I could.

So he started of with “What made you want to become a doctor in the first place?” and so naturally, I explained everything I could, so I spoke of everything, my troubling birth, my near-death experiences, the death of my Father, the life of my Mother, and everything in between. Yet, the doctor didn’t follow up with another question and there was a moment of silence, I couldn’t tell if he was reflecting on my answer or if it simply didn’t matter to him, his expression didn’t change enough for me to accurately tell.

So then during that silence, only a few moments, my mind thought, ‘Is it enough? Everything that motivates me, that I’ve said, is it really enough to actually be tested against the Trails of the Doctor?’

I mean, there’ll always be someone who’s been through a lot more than I have and have done more than I did, and they will have earn their title of ‘Doctor’, so where do I stand in all this?

Hmm… Maybe this is not a question to be answered by others, but by myself… I mean, who really cares if my Dad died? I do!… Well, as well as my immediate family, but in terms of his death as motivation towards a goal. In this case, it’s only me, the rest of the world keeps going, but it’s only I who is able to be affected by his Death, and it’s only I who decides whether or not this is a valid reason to do anything!

So the question “Is it enough?” is a self-reflecting question! Asked by me towards me, and my resolve!

Heh, guess, I should try to find an answer for it.

I know most people would say, “Of course, it’s enough!” based on the pain, suffering, and sacrifices, that’s been painted throughout my life, but one cannot forget that there’s a bigger fish in the sea, and despite everything, I’ve been through, I subconsciously have bowed out to that unknown individual who’s scars are deeper than mine and who’s smile is bigger.

But I can’t just give up the fight.

I have to get it in my head that this is not some random battle, but a life-long journey towards the bitter end! A war spanning years. And while it’ll have it’s ups and downs, the point is that I cannot stop fighting, even if everyone thinks that my reasons for fighting don’t make sense, I know what’s enough for me!

So long as I know what I’m fighting for, who I’m fighting for, and why I’m fighting, the rest of the world doesn’t matter, let the Universe go against me, I know where I stand! I have to stick to my truths even if those who stand against me are those whom I love and trust, heh, which in this family, is probably something inevitable.

So then, are all my experiences, thoughts, beliefs, scars, and truths enough of a reason for me to attempt to become a doctor? Ha! I guess there’s really only one way to find out!

Keep Moving Forward

I was nervous today. Anxious, my breathing was quickened. My mind raced, unfocused on the task at hand. ‘Is it going to happen? How long will it take? Will it come in time?’

I was in the middle of a supermarket picking up groceries.

‘What will happen next?’ Was the biggest question racing on my mind, my appearance was calm save for my muttering to myself,  trying everything to calm my mind. I tried to work out my thoughts, usually out loud was the best method, but nothing was working. Then, I came to a conclusion:

‘What happens next is just to keep moving forward.’

In this Chess game called Life, the only move the Pawn can make is simply Forward. I can’t go back for obvious Time-traveling problems, I can’t stay still, otherwise I’ll lose progress and wind up stuck where I’m at all my life, filled with Regret.

I can only go forward, headlong into the path that I’m on, I have to see how this Life will end. I’ve already come too far, I’ve already done so much, my family has sacrificed much for me to get where I’m at, right now… Even Life itself. No, There’s no choice in the matter now, it’s no longer about me, but about Everyone! It’s not just me standing here, but the hopes, the dreams, the smiles, the tears of everyone who’s ever believed in me, is riding on this as much as I am!

Heh, I know I’m starting to sound like a cartoon show cliche, but the funny part is that it’s true. I am the one who stands on this path, alone. My heart is not moved by material wealth, but by the well-being of others. I simply like helping people! There’s almost no more reasoning behind that, save for one:

It’s what I’ve been put on this planet for.

When I was young, I’ve come across several situations in which I was not expected to survive, and at the age of 14, I made a vow, to earn this life that had been spared from Death so many times. I vowed to live an honorable life, one that can help as many people as possible, and to this day, I still honor that vow. It’s been integrated into who I am now, I sometimes feel like I’m out of time here, like I should’ve been born in Medieval Europe or in Ancient times in Japan. For me, being a good man mattered more than advancing myself, seeing someone smile was worth more than my homework, and feeling clean mind, body and soul was more important than being accepted among the social groups.

Time after time, I would come across a situation in which no one would do anything, people stood by, while another suffered, and I wound up the only one moving, the only one doing anything about it. And now when I think about why I would act, I often come to the conclusion: Because no one else will.

Something is better than nothing, and people often select to do nothing, while I would choose to do something, despite the consequences that come.

Miss some questions on a test because all of last night, a friend was having a crisis and needed advice? Fine by me.

Standing in a corner by myself drinking water while everyone else gets drunk? Ok I can do that.

Giving an opportunity to someone who needed it more than me? Go right ahead, I’ll be smiling when you succeed.

“I cannot deny who I am.” That’s what I said to the medical school representative, who’d advance himself instead of doing the right thing. The path he takes will wind up being empty, because he only thinks of himself, and those closest to him. My path will not be that, I will move forward in the way I believe is right, refusing to help another in a profession who’s job is to help others is just plain hypocritical and wrong. If he truly represented that school’s ideals, then I fear the worst.

Bah, he doesn’t deserve any place in my mind, except on a list of “People I’m going to prove wrong” It’s not a long list, but with each step, I defy their expectations.

Whether or not, the world agrees with me, it matters not, I’m going to keep moving forward, despite everything that stands against me, even myself.

The Breaking Point Or Because You Know Better

I had another “discussion” with my brother JP, and like the times before, it resulted in my words and explanations falling on deaf ears. And I’m not one to walk around with Expectations, I’m completely aware of the “Self-Fulfilling Prophecy” theory I learned in Psychology, so I try not to have particular reservations about anyone I come across, regardless of previous history, and with JP, believe me, there’s a lot of history.

And whenever he’d try to converse with me, throwing out random things at random moments, almost with the sense that he’s striving to be smarter than me,  or something like that, he’d always quote sources without ever considering the other side. So when I’d bring that up, how incomplete his information is, I’m met with hostility and frustration, and just earlier this afternoon, he just flat out told me, “I don’t understand you, I feel like I’m visiting another planet and I just can’t understand it.” To which I calmly replied, “OK, well, have you tried listening?” And there it was. That look that I’ve seen so many times before.

A mashing of frustration and confusion. He heard me, but did not understand me, and even in his hearing of me, he only heard keywords that cloud his mind and his argument, while completely missing my entire statement. So his next argument is completely off on a tangent, while my point is lost and my words are focused on and attacked.

It’s not really his fault, partly. He’s aware of his condition, yet he refuses assistance. He tries to sound normal, yet he overshoots and treats others as beneath him. He cannot stand taking advice, suggestions, or even corrections because he believes he’s never wrong. He claims that one should forget the past yet he constantly repeats it.

And you know what? I’m done. I’m done with all of it.

I’ve tried treating him like a normal person all this time, and all it does is just frustrate me, because in my mind, I’m thinking, ‘a normal person wouldn’t respond is such a way, so why is he acting like this?’ But the truth of the matter is that he isn’t normal. And I cannot see him in that way otherwise it’ll lead to more frustrations, so what I’m going to do is simply give my mind a new perspective:

You know better.

Every time I try to explain things to him, he doesn’t understand, no matter how clear I am, and I know for certain that I’m pretty good at simplifying things for other people. So what do you do with someone who either refuses or is incapable of understanding? You smile and let it go.

One could argue, that I’m leaving him in his ignorance, but I swore that I will not be the one who burns this bridge! And I mean that to this moment! What I mean is that I know that he won’t understand my argument, he simply cannot see it or understand what I’m trying to explain to him, and his default reaction is Hostile, so why add fuel to the fire? I still haven’t figured out exactly how I will do this, because it’s at random moments that he tries to bring up these “intellectual” conversations, and I’m always down for one, yet in order for the conversation to work, both sides have to be rational as well as actually, open to critique or suggestions.

But that’s the point: I know this, and he either can’t or doesn’t want to.

And I just know that this will not be the last time I run into someone like that… Heh heh…

In either case, I remember reading how it’s Honorable to be criticized by those who have no right to, to be looked down upon by those who are lowly, and to not receive credit when it’s due; and all of these things are based on the idea that one knows better. You know what’s really important and these things aren’t important enough to focus upon. Being correct isn’t important enough to provoke my frustrations. Being heard isn’t important enough to keep a pointless conversation going. Proving my intelligence isn’t important enough to cause dissension among the family for the words used.

And so, like the doctor that I will be, I’m obligated to let the patient be should they desire it. I shouldn’t be prideful about anything of mine, especially against the arrogant, because Pride is not necessary for my survival, pride will not bring me closer to being a better man, or being a doctor, or towards God; all I get for my pride is just disappointment and frustrations, so why have one?

I know what I know, and in order to keep the peace, I need to know better. Because, in my opinion, being intelligent isn’t about knowing the facts and information, but applying them to make life better for others, even those who try our patience. I love collecting quotes about anything and everything, famous sayings that I’ve often given to others in their times of need. It also helps me in thinking about life in other perspectives, as well as allowing me to know what to do during my own times of need. It helped me become a moral and ethical pillar that people come to, making me someone people depend on, so I’m always happy about that.

Heh, I can only imagine how much I’m going to desperately need this experience, when I come across the patients who yell, curse, spit at me, and refuse my help, and although I’ll be obligated to watch over them until they calm down, I’ll be forced my oaths to stand by and let him go about in their rants and let them have their tantrums,

And all the while, I’ll be smiling, because…

I will know better.