“What kinda guy would I be?”

I remember saying this years ago, “What kinda guy would I be, if I was in this for the _______?” and I’d finish it with something that other people would normally give to others but not to me, i.e. gratitude, appreciation, or even just a plain “Thank you”.

Life took a rather funnier perspective each time I said it, it gave me a sense of humility and strength at the same time. I’m stronger because I didn’t need the recognition, and I’m humbled with the idea that I did the good deed simply out of nature. Heh, signs of a good man, maybe… Maybe, if I acted enough like a good man, or thought enough like a good man, I’ll be a good man? The sort of “fake it until you make it” sense.

You know, it’s strange to think that there are times when I’m not the good man, when I’m the one who needs help, or advice. Granted, I’m human and am expected to make mistakes and whatnot, but I often wonder what could cause me to no longer see through this perspective.

I’ve always liked this perspective, this ideal, this concept that I don’t need reciprocation of anything from anyone else, that ‘virtue is its own reward’ and that solidified the idea that I could possibly be a chivalrous man in this world. 

It comes with a fantastic yet subtle feeling, but it has always been able to take me with the gentlest of touches, like a child’s hand on one’s face; frail, soft and borderline innocent. Yet, it’s something I’ll instinctively reach for when it’s there, almost as if I don’t want it to fall. 

Ha ha ha, what is this? This is one of the strangest things to have crossed my path, if I were to call it anything, I’d call it: A Reminder.

A reminder that no matter what I’m faced with, virtue is always a choice, even if it’s at the end. A reminder that good people always do the right thing, regardless of the cost. A reminder that there’s still a chance that I can also be one of the good guys. 

I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes and I’m constantly searching ways to prevent these incidents and improve myself, in multiple levels of my life, maybe this is my path to trying to be a good man in this world. Heh, what kind of a guy would I be, if I didn’t try to be the best guy that I can be?


A Wonderful Doubt

I was talking with a friend of mine last night and it passed over my picture on the heading of this journal, I jokingly brought up a concern of mine that if my pictures keep showing only my back, then everyone is going to forget my face and only recognize me by my backside, to which she replied, “a wonderful doubt!”

Speak of doubts, in terms of my old laptop, I’ll lend it to my mother, so that she can hold on to it and use it whenever she pleases, this is a bit of a relief, because I don’t want to give/sell/get rid of my laptop. After I clear all of my stuff on the old laptop, I’ll have no qualms letting her hold on to it for me.

Anyways, I remember in Animes and Mangas, when a person remembers a particularly driven character, they’re always depicted as walking away from the screen, in resemblance of their motivation and efforts of trying to achieve blank goal. So now I wonder if I’m remember as such? Of course, this is something I’ll never know unless someone tells me, but I highly doubt that’ll ever come up in conversation.

So the idea is how can I live a life where, when remembered, will be as if I’m always moving forward?

If I am to gain this imaginative attribute of always walking away, I need to manifest all of the aspects of ‘always looking forward’ so this means, I need to be Optimistic, Driven, Motivated, Happy, Energetic, Enthusiastic, Purposeful, Confident.

Heh, I’m not too sure if I bear all these traits, but it’s good to know what it takes to have people think of you in such a manner. In order to be seen as a strong person, you have to first show how strong you are to yourself. All of these traits are things that cannot be faked, not really, you can’t pretend to be happy when you’re really sad, it’ll eventually come to light that you’re really depressed. I believe that everyone displays a sort of energy or aura about them, when you’re energetic, others get excited, when you’re laughing, others laugh too, this is definitely observed when there’s a mob and a singular mentality. But the idea is that you need to be the example of Determination when it came to your goals and beliefs, constantly striving for bettering yourself, or perfecting a goal, or achieving an accomplishment.

For now, I’ll settle for having pictures of myself stationary, smiling, and enjoying the present situation that I’m in, because I really am. I’m glad to be right here, right now, but I can’t stay still. Not for too long. I still have a long ways to go, and I can’t stay here and watch my opportunities fly away from my grasp. I need to fight stagnation and keep progressing, even if it’s only little by little. I still have things that need to be done, and I still have progress that hasn’t been made yet! I can’t stop now! I can’t even slow down, not yet!

Tears from a Man

We were all sitting in the living room waiting for the call… When it came, my Father picked it up, in Spanish, he spoke to his sister. The conversation was short, but when it had ended, my Father put the phone down slowly, my Mother was sitting next to him, and the rest of us were sitting in a circle, I was in a chair across from him, but facing diagonally.

“Tu abuela murió” (“Your Grandmother Died”)my Mother announces to us.

We all remained silent, and my Father puts his hands to his face and quietly sobs.

The first and last time I’ve ever seen tears of sorrow run down his face…

My Father was a hard man, solid like a rock, yet gentle and kind towards others. In terms of emotions, one can argue that his was skewed with the early passing of his own father, forcing him to take on a leadership role early in life, so he hardly was able to express himself truly, in terms of displaying anything but strength.

I shed tears for my grandmother, mostly because I had lost a world of wisdom due to a language barrier. But that’s for another time.

Heh, I’ve seen my Father cry due to onions or dirt in his eyes, but this, this was the only time in my entire life that I had seen him sad, shedding actual tears of sorrow and loss. It was so strange to see that, well, not strange, it’s understandable, I mean, the man’s not made of stone, but my Father was always a pillar of strength, always smiling, telling jokes (albeit awful ones), one would forget that it was possible that he can get sad.

But I suppose that it was merely childish idolization, the classic, “my Dad is the strongest man in the world!” What I had failed to realize is that every man is capable of crying, but what defines whether or not a man is still a man is the circumstance in which he cries for.

If a man sheds tears for his own inabilities or shortcomings, then these tears lessen him, for every man should strive to overcome his own limitations, no matter how difficult the demons, if you shed tears in front of them, then they will feed off your weakness and grow stronger. Thinking about this, I remember the Godfather movie, when the godson of the Don, who was an actor, was asking for his help, and was crying because he didn’t get the part, and didn’t know what to do. The Don told him that he can be a man and stop crying.

There is nothing wrong with shedding tears for lost loved ones and death. This is a life-changing event, and a permanent one at that. Tears here are both welcomed and expected. A man crying over losing an important person in his life, is only observed as nothing less than a man because, Death is a matter of severe gravity and to not shed tears shows that there was no bond between the deceased and the man.

I also remember this phrase, that I often think about when it came to my parents and time spent with them: “The harshest tears are shed for things left undone and words left unsaid.”

I know some of my siblings had some tension with my Father, and following his passing, things were obviously left unsaid between him and them. I remember them more sorrowful than I was despite the strong fronts and forced smiles.

Once I learned the phrase, and after some time, I finally accepted, after some more time, that I had to bury my parents someday. So whenever my Father went anywhere, I was right behind him, his little assistant, and I always made sure that I told him everything that was going in my life, I ate breakfast with both parents, when I woke up on time, I’d be helping my Father cook breakfast for the 3 of us, learning all that I could from him.

… Heh, I guess I was trying to take away as many tears as possible. It helped only in speeding up my time in accepting his death…

But as my tears fell, I knew that they were not tears of regret, sure, I’m not even close to being done with my Life’s journey, there are still SO many things that I’m planning on doing, so I will want my Father to be there when I do them, but he won’t, and that’s something that I’ve accepted, there’s a strong possibility that I’ll be sad remembering that fact, but I withheld nothing from my Father, despite the fact whether or not he knew what I was talking about, I told him everything.

I don’t know what sort of tears my Father shed when his mother died, if they were of pure sorrow or of regret and loss, what I do know is that my Father has only shed tears, actual tears, once in my entire life, and that tells me that he was a strong man, that wasn’t so easily ruled by circumstance, nor by pain, nor even by emotions, he always kept his wits and never broke down for anything, not even for Onions… well, maybe a little.


“Show restraint in one moment of anger, and save yourself one hundred days of regret.”

The first and most important aspect a wise person should bear is Patience. Patience encompasses all things, it allows us to stop and make time to step back and observe the world from another situation. Through patience we can learn to listen, without agitating other people, we can speak slowly and calmly and have our opinions heard, we can endure the forces of time and space with just a little patience, but, my friends, it goes far beyond that…

“Patience is bitter, but the fruit is sweet.”

In order to be patient, you have to look at simple examples throughout your life. I’m not talking about those self-help councilors who have tricks and techniques to help calm you down, no, patience is something far more than that. Simply look at the trees that are around you, it doesn’t matter whether or not that tree’s home is artificial or not, what’s important to that tree is to grow and only to grow. To extend its branches as far as it can reach and to withstand all matters of season and human interference. The tree focuses on what’s important and tolerates the rest, to trees, we are simply experiences that just happen, faces that pass by day-by-day, yet the trees do not lash out, nor do they push or shove people who are in its way. No, the trees stay and grow.

“A handful of Patience is worth more than a bushel of brains.”

Nature has patience implemented throughout the animal kingdom, the Turtle never rushes, the Spider lunges only when either desperate or certain, the Snake always waits before striking. What these animals have in common is that they understand the limited resources they have in and are willing to sacrifice for the greater good. They could never have made such a decision if they didn’t learn to simply wait, despite others attacking them, they know that recklessness leads to certain death, yet, if one simply was still, then perhaps an answer will arise. Patience allows us to not be completely consumed in the moment and therefore fail to see other alternatives, that would be much easier to take, or less painful, or even less expensive.

“A man who is a master of patience is master of everything else.”

To exercise patience, one must simply expand one’s mind beyond its limits. Or in layman’s terms, try seeing the world from other people’s perspectives, the main enemy to patience is close-mindedness. Even if it’s just, “I wonder what that guy across the street is talking about?” The very act of thinking in someone else’s way of thinking allows you to develop other alternatives besides what you’re most used to. To see the world from another perspective, you have to exercise thinking outside of your own eyes, think about how someone else is thinking/feeling, and you’ll be surprised to see as to different the same world is seen through different eyes. Thinking in manners other than your own is the first step towards becoming a wise person.