Priorities

It’s 1:12 AM and I’ve discovered that for quite possibly the past hour or so, I’ve been wasting my time on the internet. I’m going to teach myself to manage my time more efficiently and be more productive.

Also Siry made me a Loom Bracelet, basically it’s small rubber bands tied together, it’s a bit girly, but it’s a gift from her, so like everything else she has given me, I will treasure it dearly.

I’ve been meaning to confess something.

I usually get somewhat “concerned” whenever I read scary stories, mainly based on real experiences other people have, it doesn’t even have to be long, but for some reason there’s a sudden stab of fear that causes my heart to beat just a bit harder, and for the life of me, I can’t understand why this always happens, it doesn’t matter of it’s a scary picture or a sentence, just the mere mention of ghosts or evil spirits and I get the idea that somehow by reading someone else’s story has caused some gateway to open in my life where the worst possible poltergeist can enter.

Fear comes from uncertainty, but that’s the funny part, after this sense of fear has entered my mind, any slight sound or noise grabs my attention, a small crinkle of paper and my attention darts towards its origin. It’s not only embarrassing, but disappointing. “In God’s perfect Love, there is no room for Fear” This passage from the Bible has always provided the comfort to rid my mind of this childish fear, but just the fact that it gets to me in the first place is where my frustration lies.

I don’t know, maybe I’m still a kid at heart and so I’ve discovered the bad side of that statement. In either case, I’m taking this as a sign that I’m still not putting my faith into my beliefs, which means that there’s still something I’m doing wrong… or maybe not doing something… I think, it’s something related to not actively showing my faith to those around me in public… I should smile and let God take control of my life at all times. After all, I’m human and am completely flawed, I’m an adult who gets scared from ghost stories, for Heaven’s sake! I’m laughing at myself as I’m typing this, this is just ridiculous, who am I to say that I’m in control of anything in this life? I could be hit by a bus tomorrow and that’ll be the end of it.

Kinda grim, I know, but still, the point remains. I need to reflect my religion into my mannerisms, not show it off, but to prove to myself and everyone around me, how much it truly is a part of my every day life… Which is pretty much every part of my life. So, whatever comes my way, I know it’s a gift from God!

Random Quote #127:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference -Reinhold Niebuhr

Led by a Child

I was standing there, being told the honest truth from an honest child, my niece Isa, who’s asked me to talk to her in private.

She told me that I was being too serious and that my other niece, Sirena, didn’t like me too much because of it. And it was true, I had been rather short with her and lost my patience with her much quicker than I used to, and so, she took it upon herself to pull me aside and discuss this with me. She asked me basic questions, and then, she asked me, “So, what’s the problem?” and then she somehow, caused me to expand my mind, like I did some time ago.

It felt so familiar, this vastness that I had long forgotten, my mind went to work immediately, throwing out the problems and solving it in, what is seen in my mind, as the space right in front of me. My mouth utters fragments of the processes, in loud whispers, heh, confusing my nieces who’s thinking that I’m talking to her, my eyes move back and forth, fixated on floating objects that cannot be seen by others, my mind utilizing every relevant information, data, and memory, to solve the dilemma. And there it was, my answer, that is, the reason why I was being short with Siry, it was never because of her, but her actions that became a sort of, straw that broke the camel’s back, to frustrations that came from others. I couldn’t stop myself from laughing, this child, who couldn’t possibly understand the vastness of what lies within my mind, has so easily guided me as if she was guiding her pet to water.

So, after a few hours, I immediately sought ways to prevent this from happening again, and, once again, Isa was telling me ways to find peace or to calm down should the situation arrive again, to at least not be short with Siry. And once again, I’ve found my answer, Rakuen, a song from the Trigun soundtrack, a very peaceful song that I would listen to whenever I’m done exercising. This song means a lot to me because one time after exercising, I was laying on the garage floor, and I imagined myself in a place just outside the forest, a sort of campground, there was a boulder for a seat, and two logs forming a triangle, then in the middle was a place for a fire, surrounded by rocks, it always looked blackened, as if the fire was already gone, it was always sunny, and clear, and water can be heard from far away.

It was my paradise. My place of solitude whenever anything got me riled up. But it was also there that I saw my Father, I saw his face clearly, yet I couldn’t see his body. He didn’t say anything, nor made any sort of expression that I could remember, but I knew it was him. I was almost in tears at his presence.

Since then, I’ve always gone back to that place, my Rakuen, my Paradise. My place of Serenity and Peace. Yet, I haven’t seen my Father again in there, I keep returning but he hasn’t come back.

And now, I’m here, mind at peace, and all because of this child… a Child… Wait, wasn’t there a child on my spiritual Journey? There was! I never could see who the child was, but I do remember a child and a woman, whom I assumed was the mother… Could Isa, be this child I saw long ago? Causing my emotions to go from perilous to calm and tranquil?

… Ha ha ha! That would be amazing! I mean, I always knew the girls were far smarter than I was at their age, but this is something else entirely! I took that journey way back in RCC, they weren’t even there yet!

This is amazing… For God to have given me, not only these girls as wonderful blessings, but to have one of them, help me on my own life, is something that makes my heart overflow completely.

I know now that this child will be interesting to see grow up, she’s got the potential to change this world, I can see it! To have so easily balanced me out with as gentle a touch one can give, Isa is something special. Heh, and here I have a plethora of quotes and philosophy, wisdom and knowledge that’s been passed down from generations, all laid at the feet of this small child. But the Lord always says, “Keep your faith, like that of a child’s.” I guess this is His way of reminding me of that phrase.

A child has helped me rediscover paradise within my own soul. How more blessed can I be?

 

Breaking the Habits

Heh, This is my 200th post and it’s about my 26th birthday.

Studies have shown that at the age of 25, the human brain completes its maturation cycle, so I guess this means that I really don’t have any excuse to be immature or act like an idiot.

But one thing, I’ve started to notice about myself is, at this point, I’m growing tired of putting things off, of seeing things left unfinished, or work left undone. Something has stirred in me to go out of my way to get it done. Usually, I wouldn’t even notice these things, but now, it’s on the corner of my eye, and with nearly no hesitation, I get to work. The TV show isn’t as important as picking up these random articles of clothing, or as sweeping something that has fallen to the floor.

My years spend as my Father’s assistant, is starting to itch as I keep driving my car without proper maintenance. I’m seeing more and more opportunities to get things done, and lately, I’ve been taking them, seemingly out of nowhere.

Now I’m not saying this is a bad thing, but it’s rather shocking, exciting, but most of all, interesting… My youthful habits of letting things slide is diminishing and now I’m taking actual pride in the things around me, the idea that if I live here then I should make it as best as I can, because I live here. I simply cannot turn a blind eye, these are the actions of a child, not of a man. I’ve always wanted to prove myself as a man, yet it’s only at this point that I realized that, I’ve done nothing that brings me closer towards being a man, save for living this long.

I have so many opportunities to prove myself and these remain at the wayside, everything that life would demand of a man is right here within my grasp, and I’m not reaching for it, for practically no reason. I need to Man up, quite literally.

A Man doesn’t complain about the work, he doesn’t let things slide when he has the ability to do something about it, he doesn’t try to find the blame, he just fixes the problem, he’s willing to get down and dirty to get the job done, regardless of what has happened during his day. A Man does what needs to be done, no questions asked!

This is the habit, the main habit that I need to develop, the habit of success that will cause the rest of my life to be successful, and ironically, the reasons for it are not to achieve success, but to achieve personal satisfaction of a job well done. A Man doesn’t boast about himself, he merely does what’s necessary.

So, I will now break the habits I have of sleeping in, watching TV, checking the internet for random things, doing childish things. I will replace these with the habit-building productivity of a Man.

Of all of the gifts, I shall receive for this birthday, This shall be the one I shall strive to treasure.

To do what needs to be done

“A Child’s tear rends the Heavens” today, had an interesting start.

Today was the day of my Mom’s doctor’s appointment, so we were getting ready to leave until, just across the street, a child was crying, she was wearing a sweater inside out, her back dirty and wet, I walked up to try to talk to her.

“Are you ok?” I ask her. “No…” she sobs, “What happened?” “I… *sob* It… *sob*” and the conversation keeps going as such. It was difficult to get some answers, I look back to my mom, who’s signalling me to hug the poor child, so I do, trying to comfort her, telling her it’s OK, her sobbing lessens, as I rock her back and forth.

Yet time is passing, I’m the only driver who’s able to take my mom to the doctor, her health quickly diminishing, the longer she’s outside. She can’t stay outside for too long, otherwise she’ll fall gravely ill.

So, who do I take care of a crying child or an ill, elderly woman?

It’s going to be decisions like this that I’ll face whenever I’m in a crisis. Who has the worst condition? Who needs help the most? Who can withstand pain, just a bit longer, and who can’t? Who still has strength and whose is about to run out?

I learned in high school  first responder knowledge ie. Start with the one not breathing, then measure the severity of each person’s wound and go from there.

That’s good advice for life. “Look at what’s the most severe problem, the one that will determine who lives and who dies, either literally or metaphorically, but in essence the one that will change one’s life. Once that’s taken care of, look around at the other problems and measure their severity, or effect on one’s life, and find ways to fix them, and so on and so forth, trying to leave the smallest/pointless problems for last.”

To conclude the story, I called the police to help that little girl, before I had to leave, and even to this moment, I’m hoping that someone was able to help her, and wishing I could’ve stayed there to help her. Yet I had to do what I needed to do, I was the only one who can drive my mother to her appointment, and there was no other.

I still feel worried about that little girl, and I’m going to have to try to deal with the fact that I can’t think I can save everyone! Even now, there’s probably some poor child crying alone on the street, with no one to comfort them. It’s a sad thought, and if I think more on it, it’s going to kill me, but that’s the point is that there will always be someone hurting and in pain, all the more reason why I need to hurry up and get into a position where I can actually do something!

Sigh… Getting aggravated now isn’t going to do anything for me. All I can do right now, is just use this as motivation that I need to do what needs to be done, if I waste time doing random pointless things, then the little girl will be sad and alone.

For her, for that little girl alone crying on the sidewalk…