To Give Thanks

Day 30: Jot down a list of all the things you’re grateful for. It could be as simple as “Family, Job, Home…” or as detailed as “The bacon I had for breakfast, the weather being warm today, the chance to sleep in this weekend…” When we aren’t feeling chipper, thinking about what we’re thankful for can help get us in the right mindset. No matter how down and out you may be, there is always something to be thankful for.

What I’m grateful for… Alright then!

Family, Faith, Home, Friends, Mistakes,,, Finding Balance, Chocolate, Hope, Music, Wisdom, Science, Nerdy things, Nubuo Uematsu,, Fire, Sentimentalism, Philosophy, Energy, Training, Laughter, Adaptability, Unexpected moments, Food, Life, Self-Improvement, Video Games, Anime, Time spent with friends and family, Christmas, The Wind, The Rain, my Culture, Opportunity, Time, Human Anatomy, TV, Movies, Inspiration, Sib-Ring, Courage, Human Nature, Mother Nature, Medicine, Determination, Kindness, Balance, Art, Prayer, Light, Warmth, Helping others, Guidance, Redemption, Meeting New People, Pets, the Sun, the Moon, The Stars, Travelling, Introspection

Hmm… I think that’s about it, although I’m certain that I’ll be thinking of new things to add to this list, heh, even as I’m writing this piece down, more things come to mind. Oh and of course, I’m grateful for this 31-day Journal Challenge

And at the Core, Burn.

These last few days I’ve been surprizingly busy! It seems like after breakfast, my day goes from slow to Sprint!

The details are random and pointless, but what happened is that my attention and energy are being put into rushing all over the place. So I’ve noticed one thing about myself during all this: I work rather well under pressure.

I can think pretty rapidly over several different objectives to be done, even do a second-look on the progress of each objective, then I can shift my energy to an additional objective, all with enough time and space for something spontaneous to occur.

This is one of those rare moments where I strongly resonate with some pagan ideals that people are born with particular elements, in my case, Fire. When I was rushing back and forth, I noticed that I was smiling. The different situations that demanded different forms of thinking, the energy that’s required to perform each solution with tact, and then making up a new, random solution for something unexpected entirely!

My mind and body responded by rising up to the call of the rush, and I loved it. I loved the rush, the demands, and how naturally it felt to accomplish them. I can see now, that this feeling will be familiar when I’m in the rush of a hospital, patients coming in back and forth, each with a different case and, thus, a different diagnosis. If I’m good enough, perhaps I’ll be in charge of telling people who needs what.

I’ve always seen Fire as the sorta black sheep of the Elements, flows like water, can generate as much force as the earth, and is as light as the air itself. Unlike the others, it’s mostly associated with it’s negative side, destruction, consumption, and overall bad things. But for those who know how to see them, they each have a balance with nature. Water can quench a man’s thirst or drown him, Air can give life or toss him like a rag doll at high speeds. Fire can scorch a man, or give him light, and that’s how many people will end it. But for me, I go beyond the physical.

Like my reasons for the heart, I tend to go metaphorical, it’s often said when someone is passionate, that he’s got a fire burning within his eyes! The warmth of a home goes beyond the Fireplace, and the cold-hearted have lost any sparks for sympathy.

Passion has been tied to fire since it’s conception, and when I feel rushed in the same manner than I did these last few days, I get passionate, and when I start, during the rush, and afterwards in my exhaustion, there’s a smile on my face. This isn’t a sign that the flame has died within me, but that the raging inferno has dwindled into a small flame, and rather than full of energy and adrenaline, I’m calm and peaceful.

At the center of how I am, I’m like a fire burning to face every situation. I like facing the wind and holding my ground against the tides at the beach; like flames, I like to climb high and reach into the sky, I like to move, drive, run, act, think fast, I’m perfectly fine to the ideas of standing alone in the darkness and joining together with others. Give me a reason to light up, and I’ll fight off all of the darkness in the world, Give me a reason to shine, and I’ll light up the way for others to do as well, Burn me, and I can spread my wrath to all over your world.

While the other elements can come from other origins or in other forms, Water can be either vapor or ice, rocks can be diamond, sand or charcoal, Fire is always in one form, it always comes from one spark, be it a pilot light, a match, or a thunderbolt, all it takes is that one spark.

But my flame is covered in human flesh, meaning that I’ll eventually tire, forget, and at times, lose motivation, these are the rules that are tied to this. But despite how calm or small my internal fire gets, I can never forget, never forget the speed my thinking can get, never forget the daunting demands that I can meet, with tact and precision. No, the internal flame cannot forget, no matter how long it’s been stagnant and tranquil, no matter how long it’s been simply standing there, warding off the darkness, no matter how many days, months, years have passed, it still remains.

And so long as this flame still remains burning inside, I, too, shall remain.

Feeling too comfortable…

It’s been weeks since my MCAT test… or failure for that matter… And as time pass, I find myself feeling… comfortable.

Comfort in this less-than-average existence, comfort in living as a leech and not aiming for the Stars, comfort in not going out and exploring my options. I’m comfortable where I’m at, at this very moment.

… What a terrible and horrid feeling this is…

Yes, it is terrible to feel comfortable, because at this point I’m no where near doing anything I wanted to do in my life. I’m not helping people, I’m not risking anything, I’m not improving my own life nor the lives of others. I’ve become stagnant, tranquil, apathetic.

A chemical reaction is a display of furious energy displaced on various scales, yet when it has reached perfect balance, what is observed is nothing the fury of reactions that once dazzled the sky has finished and all that is left is simply dust settling. A Grand Flame is the result of an insatiable beast growing and rising challenging all, and defying Life and Death as it takes wave after wave of watery attacks only to seem unstoppable, yet, then all of the wood has turned to ashes, when all it can feast upon are gone, where is the beast? A soldier in battle fights, not for the cause of the politician, but fights for his family back home, for his friends who are beside him on the battlefield. Stone, steel, mortar, bullet, fire, fists, he braves them all for the sake of his return home. And yet, when he does… He feels as if he’s lost something back there, something in the fog of war, something stolen by his fallen friends and enemies alike, and all he is left with is loss and regret.

I feel like I’m standing in quicksand. I’m sinking slowly and I’m afraid that when I realize that I’ll die, it’ll be too late for me to pull myself out. Has one event deterred me from all further attempts? Why am I so comfortable then? What happened to that Burning passion that lay within?

I remember this feeling made me feel like I had to run half of the time. Just bolt, not knowing where, but wherever I was headed, that was where I needed to go.

I need to remind myself of that feeling again. That imbalance that causes a ferocious display of energy and enthusiasm. I need to set myself on fire again and Run! I also need to find out what’s causing me to be in such a sorry state. Am I tired? Burned out? What could it be? I have more than enough motivation to inspire 10 people! Yet all I want to is just sit still and fade away… Fade into the wind like the ashes of my past did… Be forgotten in the rivers of time… Such a sweet death, nice and quiet… To have my fate unknown by everyone…

Except I will know…

I will know that I gave up, that I’d quit my dreams, that not only will I not make this world a better place, but I will add to it by becoming a blank face among the sea of neutrality.

Heh, I guess it’s a good thing to start feeling angry at such thoughts. But anger isn’t the right emotion, because anger is negative, I should start feeling passionate about doing something with my life. Passion is what truly cases one to move forward, passion is what lies in the heart of all those who vow to change the world, and without passion, we become apathetic, still, neutral.

Life isn’t meant to be comfortable in mediocrity. Ships and sailors aren’t hardened by smooth sailing. a good Sword and a good Soul aren’t made, they’re forged. Ayn Rand put it best,

Do not let the fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the Hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desire can be won. It exists. It is real. It is possible. It is yours” – Ayn Rand