The Nameless

I’m feeling very uncertain about my personal statement, to the point that I’m almost confident that it doesn’t accurately say what I want it to say.

And to this point, it’s bugging the hell out of me!

It’s even gotten so far as to cause me to question my own identity and purpose. Great.

So now I’m trying to re-discover my identity, what I was so certain to have, I’ve now lost.

Hmm. So what is mastery of self? Knowing oneself? Learning of the self?

I know my physical limitations, how far I can push before I know I’m in fear of endangering myself, what physical labor I’m capable of, as well as knowing that exercise is crucial to my overall happiness.

I’m aware of my mental and emotional limits as well, I know what makes me laugh, cry, smile, get angry, feel depressed, and I know how strong my mind is up to a breaking point, thankfully, a point I haven’t gotten to yet, but I know my mind, how I learn and think, and feel.

I even know the things that don’t settle well with me, My name, my face, and my lack of opportunities. But these are things outside my control, besides, I’m certain that other people would have similar if not the same problems

So, I need to discover my sense of self… again. It’s a sense of balance between oneself and the world, out the universe for that matter, the one outside and the one within.

So now, I’m going to have to try different means and ways to achieve this, not exactly sure how, but I’m certain that I can find various ways to at least get started, mediating and exercise help clear the mind, so maybe if I try hard enough, I can reach a state of focus through exhaustion, or maybe a point of peace within a storm.

Heh, this is going to take a lot of work, so I better get started with the run I have to do today.

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Led by a Child

I was standing there, being told the honest truth from an honest child, my niece Isa, who’s asked me to talk to her in private.

She told me that I was being too serious and that my other niece, Sirena, didn’t like me too much because of it. And it was true, I had been rather short with her and lost my patience with her much quicker than I used to, and so, she took it upon herself to pull me aside and discuss this with me. She asked me basic questions, and then, she asked me, “So, what’s the problem?” and then she somehow, caused me to expand my mind, like I did some time ago.

It felt so familiar, this vastness that I had long forgotten, my mind went to work immediately, throwing out the problems and solving it in, what is seen in my mind, as the space right in front of me. My mouth utters fragments of the processes, in loud whispers, heh, confusing my nieces who’s thinking that I’m talking to her, my eyes move back and forth, fixated on floating objects that cannot be seen by others, my mind utilizing every relevant information, data, and memory, to solve the dilemma. And there it was, my answer, that is, the reason why I was being short with Siry, it was never because of her, but her actions that became a sort of, straw that broke the camel’s back, to frustrations that came from others. I couldn’t stop myself from laughing, this child, who couldn’t possibly understand the vastness of what lies within my mind, has so easily guided me as if she was guiding her pet to water.

So, after a few hours, I immediately sought ways to prevent this from happening again, and, once again, Isa was telling me ways to find peace or to calm down should the situation arrive again, to at least not be short with Siry. And once again, I’ve found my answer, Rakuen, a song from the Trigun soundtrack, a very peaceful song that I would listen to whenever I’m done exercising. This song means a lot to me because one time after exercising, I was laying on the garage floor, and I imagined myself in a place just outside the forest, a sort of campground, there was a boulder for a seat, and two logs forming a triangle, then in the middle was a place for a fire, surrounded by rocks, it always looked blackened, as if the fire was already gone, it was always sunny, and clear, and water can be heard from far away.

It was my paradise. My place of solitude whenever anything got me riled up. But it was also there that I saw my Father, I saw his face clearly, yet I couldn’t see his body. He didn’t say anything, nor made any sort of expression that I could remember, but I knew it was him. I was almost in tears at his presence.

Since then, I’ve always gone back to that place, my Rakuen, my Paradise. My place of Serenity and Peace. Yet, I haven’t seen my Father again in there, I keep returning but he hasn’t come back.

And now, I’m here, mind at peace, and all because of this child… a Child… Wait, wasn’t there a child on my spiritual Journey? There was! I never could see who the child was, but I do remember a child and a woman, whom I assumed was the mother… Could Isa, be this child I saw long ago? Causing my emotions to go from perilous to calm and tranquil?

… Ha ha ha! That would be amazing! I mean, I always knew the girls were far smarter than I was at their age, but this is something else entirely! I took that journey way back in RCC, they weren’t even there yet!

This is amazing… For God to have given me, not only these girls as wonderful blessings, but to have one of them, help me on my own life, is something that makes my heart overflow completely.

I know now that this child will be interesting to see grow up, she’s got the potential to change this world, I can see it! To have so easily balanced me out with as gentle a touch one can give, Isa is something special. Heh, and here I have a plethora of quotes and philosophy, wisdom and knowledge that’s been passed down from generations, all laid at the feet of this small child. But the Lord always says, “Keep your faith, like that of a child’s.” I guess this is His way of reminding me of that phrase.

A child has helped me rediscover paradise within my own soul. How more blessed can I be?

 

Don’t Tell, Don’t Ask

I was talking to my brother on the phone, during a stressful time when tempers were flared and feeling were hurt. At his request, I passed the phone to my Father, thinking he’d just vent to him, for a few minutes and that’ll be done.

The conversation between him and my Father lasted 2 hours.

Throughout the argument, I kept hearing my Father say, “Well, if you don’t tell me, how am I supposed to know?!”

My Father was never one to pry into other people’s business, it causes too much unneeded trouble for him, made life complicated with secrets and that’s not how he wanted to live. However, if it was never brought to his attention, then he’d automatically assume that everything was fine, at least to a controllable point.

But that isn’t true. We didn’t voice our opinions not because we didn’t want their intervention, we don’t say anything to see if they will care enough to intervene. The problem here, is that my Father didn’t know how, his approaches were always awkward and far too short for his own good to get an in depth look at us, so when the tension was overwhelming, and people were yelling, my guess is that my Father had to meet such sudden, but not unanticipated, feelings that probably would’ve been prevented, if not lessened or prepared for, had he taken some sort of prying approach towards us.

He tried however, I remember when I was in the 10th grade, we were driving to Chicago from California,  it was at night, and we were sitting quietly, it was just him and myself alone in the car for everyone was waiting for us there at Chicago. He randomly asked me, “So… Are you going to get married?” Mind you, I didn’t have a girlfriend, nor had any such indicator that there was a special girl in my then-short life, “Whaaa?!” I “gracefully” responded, “What are you talking about? Married?!” “Well, I was just curious, are you going to get married?” He rebutted. “Well… I guess so… I don’t know! Why are you asking me this?! I don’t even have a girlfriend!” I tell him. “Ahhh, I don’t know, I was just curious!” He says, and the conversation just fell short at that.

Heh, I think my reaction was a mixture of teenager embarrassment and surprise at the randomness of the question.

We didn’t discuss the topic ever again.

Heh, I suppose I’d chalk this fault of his to his “lack of a Father-figure” pile, because the entire conversation was purely awkward, even now, I still can’t tell if he was really trying to find out about my life or was merely playing around. I’d go with the former, because it felt like it was awkward for both of us, heh, which means that he has little-to-no experience discussing such things.

I guess it must’ve frustrated him, not being able to communicate completely with us, heh, feelings are complex, and I suppose that he never really had much opportunity to really delve into them, much less into our own.

But it wasn’t completely hopeless.

My Father spoke on a less communicable level, when I started being his ‘Little Assistant’, I felt a bond with him, that I almost couldn’t understand. But I could’ve barely felt his emotions, I sensed when he was frustrated, when he was genuinely happy, and I was able to tell that he can sense my emotions, when I was passionate, when I was at my wits end, and heh, when I was stubborn like him, trying to get a job done.

I am glad I was able to realize his lack of communication skills early and that’s when I told him as much as I could, granted, he didn’t understand much, but he realized what he could and tried to help at every opportunity. It also helped me realize that some people communicate without words, through gestures, small movements, subtle changes in their tone of voice, even through hitting others in the back of the head. I also learned the value of communication as a whole, to overcome that awkwardness that constantly thwarted my Father, and really learn what’s going on in people’s lives and offer my help.

I’m definitely going to need this skill when I’m a doctor, because I’m going to run into a lot of people, of various backgrounds and levels of communication.