Red’s Manifesto

Day 29: Try writing out your own personal manifesto. I’d describe the benefits and the how-to, but this short post does it much better than I could.

GOD

GOD is first in all things, no matter what the situation or how dire, I will not trade my soul for anyone or anything. I am he who calls upon the name of the LORD for strength. Faith will echo in my footsteps all of my days! GOD saved my life and I will dedicate my life to serve Him and all of His children.

“What man is a man who does not make the world better?”
Quis est homo, qui non in melius?

FAMILY

FAMILY will always be in my heart, “Blood runs thicker than water” has always helped me find the answers to questions. I will always defend, help, and side with my family, regardless of joys and betrayals. I will always help my family with whatever they need, even at my own expense.

KINDNESS

There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who CAN help, and those who NEED help.

RESPECT

Only to those who show respect, will respect be given, I will display respect to everyone, Friend or Foe, not to receive it but so that I have reason to respect myself.

BALANCE

Yin & Yang, both of these and all of their counterparts are necessary for a satisfied life. For every action, there’s an equal and opposing reaction. I will balance my life so that I can adapt to any and all situations I will come across.

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A Day in the Future

Day 8: Take some time today to reflect on your career. Jot down a timeline of it, including all the ups and downs. What was your best experience? And the worst? What would you like your future to look like, in terms of your career? If you’re a young man and haven’t started in yet, focus on that future part. What do you want your work to look like?

Ahhh, my Career. Truth be told, my career at this current moment is consistent of student working jobs and the odd job. So I’ve really no actual experience to speak of, I guess that makes me focus more on the future part of this prompt. What I would like my future to look like. Hmm… I’ve always dreamt that my future would be calm in one moment and frantic in the other, this is, of course, my dreams of doctor-hood. Talking to people, conversing with them, getting to know them, giving them comfort and hope, allowing myself to connect with others on a level that is consistent of respect and genuine care. I see myself, punching the wall for not being able to save someone, and I also see me picking myself up time after time, only to get back into the fray. I see myself smiling with tired eyes and a battered soul, and yet, I still go in day after day, putting on that white coat, what will be my white cross to bear, and I’m smiling every time I put it on. My future will be balanced between the slow days that drag on for hours in surgery and the fast paced think-on-your-feet moments that will make it seem like there are not enough hours in that same day.

Heh, this is a mixture of what I would like my future to be, as well as what it probably will be when I am a doctor. I have no problems working in a fast pace, nor taking things slow, in all honesty, I would not mind it at all, because that would mean that I’m making a difference in someone’s life, if not making an attempt to save someone’s life. Always trying to help others even at the expense of my own well-being, this is how I see my future.

The Breaking Point Or Because You Know Better

I had another “discussion” with my brother JP, and like the times before, it resulted in my words and explanations falling on deaf ears. And I’m not one to walk around with Expectations, I’m completely aware of the “Self-Fulfilling Prophecy” theory I learned in Psychology, so I try not to have particular reservations about anyone I come across, regardless of previous history, and with JP, believe me, there’s a lot of history.

And whenever he’d try to converse with me, throwing out random things at random moments, almost with the sense that he’s striving to be smarter than me,  or something like that, he’d always quote sources without ever considering the other side. So when I’d bring that up, how incomplete his information is, I’m met with hostility and frustration, and just earlier this afternoon, he just flat out told me, “I don’t understand you, I feel like I’m visiting another planet and I just can’t understand it.” To which I calmly replied, “OK, well, have you tried listening?” And there it was. That look that I’ve seen so many times before.

A mashing of frustration and confusion. He heard me, but did not understand me, and even in his hearing of me, he only heard keywords that cloud his mind and his argument, while completely missing my entire statement. So his next argument is completely off on a tangent, while my point is lost and my words are focused on and attacked.

It’s not really his fault, partly. He’s aware of his condition, yet he refuses assistance. He tries to sound normal, yet he overshoots and treats others as beneath him. He cannot stand taking advice, suggestions, or even corrections because he believes he’s never wrong. He claims that one should forget the past yet he constantly repeats it.

And you know what? I’m done. I’m done with all of it.

I’ve tried treating him like a normal person all this time, and all it does is just frustrate me, because in my mind, I’m thinking, ‘a normal person wouldn’t respond is such a way, so why is he acting like this?’ But the truth of the matter is that he isn’t normal. And I cannot see him in that way otherwise it’ll lead to more frustrations, so what I’m going to do is simply give my mind a new perspective:

You know better.

Every time I try to explain things to him, he doesn’t understand, no matter how clear I am, and I know for certain that I’m pretty good at simplifying things for other people. So what do you do with someone who either refuses or is incapable of understanding? You smile and let it go.

One could argue, that I’m leaving him in his ignorance, but I swore that I will not be the one who burns this bridge! And I mean that to this moment! What I mean is that I know that he won’t understand my argument, he simply cannot see it or understand what I’m trying to explain to him, and his default reaction is Hostile, so why add fuel to the fire? I still haven’t figured out exactly how I will do this, because it’s at random moments that he tries to bring up these “intellectual” conversations, and I’m always down for one, yet in order for the conversation to work, both sides have to be rational as well as actually, open to critique or suggestions.

But that’s the point: I know this, and he either can’t or doesn’t want to.

And I just know that this will not be the last time I run into someone like that… Heh heh…

In either case, I remember reading how it’s Honorable to be criticized by those who have no right to, to be looked down upon by those who are lowly, and to not receive credit when it’s due; and all of these things are based on the idea that one knows better. You know what’s really important and these things aren’t important enough to focus upon. Being correct isn’t important enough to provoke my frustrations. Being heard isn’t important enough to keep a pointless conversation going. Proving my intelligence isn’t important enough to cause dissension among the family for the words used.

And so, like the doctor that I will be, I’m obligated to let the patient be should they desire it. I shouldn’t be prideful about anything of mine, especially against the arrogant, because Pride is not necessary for my survival, pride will not bring me closer to being a better man, or being a doctor, or towards God; all I get for my pride is just disappointment and frustrations, so why have one?

I know what I know, and in order to keep the peace, I need to know better. Because, in my opinion, being intelligent isn’t about knowing the facts and information, but applying them to make life better for others, even those who try our patience. I love collecting quotes about anything and everything, famous sayings that I’ve often given to others in their times of need. It also helps me in thinking about life in other perspectives, as well as allowing me to know what to do during my own times of need. It helped me become a moral and ethical pillar that people come to, making me someone people depend on, so I’m always happy about that.

Heh, I can only imagine how much I’m going to desperately need this experience, when I come across the patients who yell, curse, spit at me, and refuse my help, and although I’ll be obligated to watch over them until they calm down, I’ll be forced my oaths to stand by and let him go about in their rants and let them have their tantrums,

And all the while, I’ll be smiling, because…

I will know better.

 

If I can just have this…

I’ve been pondering about things I would be ecstatic to have, when I have my own home and debt paid off. Things unlike the traditional, T.V., Couch, Bed, and so on.

Things I’ve always wanted to have…

A Crusader Sword! I’ve always associated myself as a modern day Knight and I’m a member of the KofC, so it’s only natural that I find a manifestation of this. Through this sword, I’ll be able to see the true meaning of the sword, not to Destroy, but to Defend. Like my favorite anime Trigun, Vash the Stampede uses a gun to do everything he can to preserve and save life, and not kill a single person, regardless of the cost.

I will use this example with the Crusader Sword, displayed of course, but I will try to see it as a sign that I am to be a defender of the weak and helpless, as Christ said, “Whenever you do this to the least of your brothers and sisters, you have done it for me.” fulfilling the Crusader part of the Sword, being a Knight of God that is “… Without fear in the face of his enemies; is brave and upright that God may love him; who speaks the truth always, even if it leads to his death; Who safeguards the helpless and does no wrong; That is his oath.” This Sword will be a constant physical reminder of that.

A silvery and sharp sign that I should be one who helps others, with my own abilities and talents, even at the cost of my own well-being. That’s going to be the hard part. It’s instinctive to have self-preservation as the main priority in the mind, but it’s possible to teach yourself to think of others before yourself. To run to someone’s aid in spite of danger, like Firemen and Policemen, well maybe not in that same sense, but when faced with any given situation, to have my mind instinctively think of the well-being of others instead of my own.

And even on my downtime, to make efforts towards charities and not just handing some homeless guy some change, but helping him find a solution to his problem…

Heh, this is starting to sound naive and irrational.

I have to be aware that I have limits, that I cannot save the whole world, and that Murphy’s Law can apply to any and all situations. It seemed like my Father had no limits when it came to doing whatever task he had at hand. He just moved, and kept on moving, regardless of how low his energy levels were. And I mean, low, the moment he sat down on his recliner, he knocked out! So how can I learn to ignore those aches and pains, the voice that screams ‘No more, please. Let me sit down. Please let me rest.‘ and to stop my hands from shaking?

I’ll look at my Sword. I’ll stare at this refined piece of metal designed to destroy, decimate, to take life, and I’ll hold it in my hands, and I’ll squeeze it’s grip, feel it as an extension of myself, raise it up, and realize the potential that lies within it. The Question it will be asking me, not “Who do I kill?” but “Who can I save?” And then I’ll realize, that true knights aren’t allowed to be tired, nor weary, nor exhausted, nor have no energy; not when there’s someone who needs my help. How can I be tired when I have to help some body?

I realize now that I can have some things purely for the sake of decorational purposes, or because I’ve always  wanted to have one, but I’m starting to think that the kind of person I will become, will have a part of myself embedded or reflected within each and every object I possess.

For I am a Knight, and this is my Oath.

To do what needs to be done

“A Child’s tear rends the Heavens” today, had an interesting start.

Today was the day of my Mom’s doctor’s appointment, so we were getting ready to leave until, just across the street, a child was crying, she was wearing a sweater inside out, her back dirty and wet, I walked up to try to talk to her.

“Are you ok?” I ask her. “No…” she sobs, “What happened?” “I… *sob* It… *sob*” and the conversation keeps going as such. It was difficult to get some answers, I look back to my mom, who’s signalling me to hug the poor child, so I do, trying to comfort her, telling her it’s OK, her sobbing lessens, as I rock her back and forth.

Yet time is passing, I’m the only driver who’s able to take my mom to the doctor, her health quickly diminishing, the longer she’s outside. She can’t stay outside for too long, otherwise she’ll fall gravely ill.

So, who do I take care of a crying child or an ill, elderly woman?

It’s going to be decisions like this that I’ll face whenever I’m in a crisis. Who has the worst condition? Who needs help the most? Who can withstand pain, just a bit longer, and who can’t? Who still has strength and whose is about to run out?

I learned in high school  first responder knowledge ie. Start with the one not breathing, then measure the severity of each person’s wound and go from there.

That’s good advice for life. “Look at what’s the most severe problem, the one that will determine who lives and who dies, either literally or metaphorically, but in essence the one that will change one’s life. Once that’s taken care of, look around at the other problems and measure their severity, or effect on one’s life, and find ways to fix them, and so on and so forth, trying to leave the smallest/pointless problems for last.”

To conclude the story, I called the police to help that little girl, before I had to leave, and even to this moment, I’m hoping that someone was able to help her, and wishing I could’ve stayed there to help her. Yet I had to do what I needed to do, I was the only one who can drive my mother to her appointment, and there was no other.

I still feel worried about that little girl, and I’m going to have to try to deal with the fact that I can’t think I can save everyone! Even now, there’s probably some poor child crying alone on the street, with no one to comfort them. It’s a sad thought, and if I think more on it, it’s going to kill me, but that’s the point is that there will always be someone hurting and in pain, all the more reason why I need to hurry up and get into a position where I can actually do something!

Sigh… Getting aggravated now isn’t going to do anything for me. All I can do right now, is just use this as motivation that I need to do what needs to be done, if I waste time doing random pointless things, then the little girl will be sad and alone.

For her, for that little girl alone crying on the sidewalk…

“It is your turn to save the world”

I wrote this on a UNICEF Post-it at 0113 hours this morning, after my rosary, in the dark, right before I went to sleep.

Before I wrote this, I was in the middle of my rosary, thinking about my purpose. What I intend to do with all of the responsibilities and ‘powers’ of being a doctor, and how exactly I’m going to do it. I’ve always planned to become an asset for UNICEF, by donating as much Time, Energy, and Money as possible… Yet, I cannot see a plan forming between paying for Loans and other things, Saving money, and making regular activities for UNICEF, all while diving into helping others as much as I can via Giuseppe Moscatii, by inviting those who have nothing to pay with, into my own home. So then I remembered the KoC, and I wondered how they do charities, and would they be able to allow me to perform charities of my own, or at least help me in these manners. And as the rosary kept going, I remembered inspiring quotes from XKCD, a rather fascinating web comic, and one that resonated with me was, “We’re grown-ups, and it’s our turn to decide what that means.” Although the comic was written some time ago and was funny as a whole, those words stayed with me, and started to blend with those feelings of charity that were floating above my head.

And soon, I started to imagine myself in an interview, faced with the question of, “Why do you want to become a doctor?” Granted everyone wants to help people, but what makes YOU (or me, rather) so different? and why take the path of a doctor? You (Me) can help so many others through other means, like Fireman, Police, Nurse, etc. Why be a doctor?

Brutal questions, to say the least, but I started forming my answer…

… But something’s wrong… It’s broken up, bits and pieces… It’s… incomplete. This is what I have so far.

I want to become a doctor, because I want to be able to help people, not just in this hospital, but throughout the world… My desires to help others stem from my own background, when I was one of them, I was on the other side of this interaction, and because I still have that experience I can provide the best services to everyone… I’ve suffered the pain of loss, so I do not have grandeur dreams of being able to save everyone who crosses my path, yet I will try to help as many people as possible… Because I want to be someone who can be an example to all of the people, and with the authority of a doctor I can help people… It’s my turn now to decide how I am going to do this…

…And that’s all I got. That’s pretty discouraging, seeing that the fact that I’ve more than enough experiences to inspire me to pursue this to the bitter end, yet, my answer is still incomplete, I’m still missing something. And as I approach the end of the rosary, all these thoughts and reflections start blending together, and eventually, I came up with this:

IT IS YOUR
TURN TO
SAVE THE
WORLD

… ‘Save the world’? Heh, who am I to save anything? But that’s the problem, isn’t it? I’ve always cut myself too short. I have these desires, this heart that wants to help people, the experiences that help me form who I am, I have no dreams of prestige nor of wealth nor of infamy. I just want to help. I want to be a good man, I want to embody the song ‘Simple Man’ by Lynard Skynard. I want to see the world and help people along the way, I want this world to be a better place leaving it than coming into it.

I’ll write more about this next time. For now, I need to sleep.

A Trigger

Yesterday was rather interesting, As I had delivered some blood in vials and tubes to the lab, I was walking toward the door when I realized where I was standing. I was in a light-colored, narrow hallway with doors on both sides, and I realized that this scene was all too familiar to me…

It was almost like that hallway that I saw, but these doors were Green and wood-brown, and those doors were a dark red… and this hallway was colored, and that one was pure white… I opened one of those red doors and saw Heaven, yet none of these doors would ever open anything close to that… They’re not the same. Which leads me to believe that this ‘trigger’ was meant purely as a reminder of that journey I took some time ago…

A rather interesting and random reminder, I’ve walked this hallway before, numerous times and it was only yesterday that I was reminded of this… Great, now I’ll always remember it whenever I do Lab runs… But, I’m curious as to why I’m reminded of the journey I took… It was quite some time ago, and right now it doesn’t serve me any purpose… Or does it?

Hmmm… My mind is circulating parts of  the journey, trying to piece together answers. I should put my journey in here, since this is my journal, but that can be for another time. Well, until it hits me like a ton of bricks, I’m afraid the reason why I’ve been reminded of this will remain as speculation, although I think it might have to do with the Cliff, or perhaps a reminder of what lies within that Straw hut.

Today, I saw a very interesting video about Guiseppi Moscati. In it, I saw a man who held his genuine desire to help everyone above everything else, even his own personal life. The girl of his dreams, a Princess, left him because she refused to wait for him, because he was always out helping others. And even though, he loved her with all his heart, when it came to helping others, there was no hesitation, he’d put on that white coat and submerse himself in helping others. It even got to the point, where he invited all of the people who couldn’t afford hospital care to his own home, which took him days to sort through, he wound up selling all his possessions for medicine for the poor people. He sacrificed SO much, just for the sake of his Passion… And as I’m watching, I’m wondering, “Would I do the same thing? Would I give up my own Life? Love? My very Soul, to help people? How much would I give if it was demanded of me?”

And then, I remembered my goals of trying to help my fellow man, through various means such as UNICEF and whatnot. So if I really want to help save the people of this world, is this what I have to look forward to?

Why all this hesitation? For goodness sakes! I shouldn’t hesitate at all when it comes to having opportunities to help someone! Have I become so shallow that I hesitate thinking about helping others at my own expense? I pray that I haven’t turned into such a coward.

I guess we’ll see how much will be demanded of me when I finally get in. But first I need to get past the MCAT and submit my application. We’ll see what God has in store for me.

For now, I need to just get there. Once I’m in Medical school, I can worry all about the technicalities then, for it does me no good worrying about it now.

So I find myself needing to find ways to keep myself inspired to keep going and trying as hard as possible. Triggers to the Cerebellum that causes inspiration and rekindle the Passion that lies within me.

I have to find these sparks of inspiration, and have them regularly so that I don’t stray from my path.

Finally, I got Chrono Trigger on my Android, so I’m happy about that. So much so, that that pretty much inspired this post.