The Nameless

I’m feeling very uncertain about my personal statement, to the point that I’m almost confident that it doesn’t accurately say what I want it to say.

And to this point, it’s bugging the hell out of me!

It’s even gotten so far as to cause me to question my own identity and purpose. Great.

So now I’m trying to re-discover my identity, what I was so certain to have, I’ve now lost.

Hmm. So what is mastery of self? Knowing oneself? Learning of the self?

I know my physical limitations, how far I can push before I know I’m in fear of endangering myself, what physical labor I’m capable of, as well as knowing that exercise is crucial to my overall happiness.

I’m aware of my mental and emotional limits as well, I know what makes me laugh, cry, smile, get angry, feel depressed, and I know how strong my mind is up to a breaking point, thankfully, a point I haven’t gotten to yet, but I know my mind, how I learn and think, and feel.

I even know the things that don’t settle well with me, My name, my face, and my lack of opportunities. But these are things outside my control, besides, I’m certain that other people would have similar if not the same problems

So, I need to discover my sense of self… again. It’s a sense of balance between oneself and the world, out the universe for that matter, the one outside and the one within.

So now, I’m going to have to try different means and ways to achieve this, not exactly sure how, but I’m certain that I can find various ways to at least get started, mediating and exercise help clear the mind, so maybe if I try hard enough, I can reach a state of focus through exhaustion, or maybe a point of peace within a storm.

Heh, this is going to take a lot of work, so I better get started with the run I have to do today.

I’m not lost in my own world, I’m simply enjoying the journey

Wind, Rain, Thunder and Lightning, Blackouts, and things thrown about. That pretty much sums up my day today.

The canopy in the backyard tipped over, with the cover torn apart by the wind, and the moment I saw that, I had to pull it back into the backyard before it tipped over completely and into the crowded street, so then, I had to pull out the now-torn top, remove the legs of the skeletal canopy so it can be easily maintained, and not be high enough off the ground to be struck by lightning.

Right when I came back inside, it turns out Mom’s room had lost power, and for fear that something had fallen upon me, was deciding to go down the stairs, oxygen tank in hand. Luckily, her reasoning stopped her and she simply waited for me to hear her. I checked the fuses and gave her power back to her room, and when I went to check on her, she was somewhat concerned, and I’m sitting in front of her, covered in dirt and sweat and this huge grin is on my face.

Usually during a disaster, I always feel like, I’m wired backwards, I’m completely fascinated by Forces of  Nature, by emergencies that happen seemingly at random and unexpected times. While working on the canopy, trying to prevent it from falling on some unsuspecting victim, I was laughing and smiling. While I was checking the house during the blackout which happened after the above event, I was singing! “Dream A Little Dream of Me” by Michael Bublé. A good song, yet unfitting for the storm, I usually sing “Singing in the Rain” but, alas, there was hardly any rain to sing to.

Ha ha ha! I love it! Granted it’s a terrible situation to find oneself in, especially when there’s so many circumstances when one needs electricity to live, yet, I find myself relishing the moment. My mind moves faster, blood starts to flow as my heart begins to speed up, my senses are heightened and I’m in the state of Fight or Flight, and against the Forces of Nature, boy, do I love to fight!

I find myself the sort of man, who enjoys raises his hands when the wind is blowing the hardest, who stands his ground when the tide and the waves try to push him, who remains still and watches the flames dance on the wood, who  stares at the stars, simply to acknowledge them and hopefully be acknowledged in return.

I’m not an environmentalist, although I know that the world can live perfectly fine without us, yet we cannot live without the world. I’m… a guy with simple tastes, the things I like are cheap, and it doesn’t take much money to make me smile. I’m a sentimental person, and possess only so much, and I don’t plan on having much more, perhaps a few things, but I’m no collector, as a guy, I have no tastes in fancy/fast cars, nor any other such big toys. A meal is a meal regardless if it’s made professionally or not, a cup of Ramen tastes just as good as the Carl’s Jr. $6 burger.

Heh, I feel like I’m writing on a dating website…

The point is that I am fully aware of how I feel about Life and everything in it, and I’m completely aware of how different it is from how other people define their lives, and it’s because of this gap between them and myself that I find both frustration and solace, more of the latter than of the former.

I am a weird guy, that’s just it, I cannot change that. Today’s storm reminded me of how distant our worlds really are, and I cannot forget that, because it’s due to that distance that I will have all of the reserves needed to do what I need to do, because my actions won’t make sense in the eyes of others nor will my reasons for doing so, until they understand why. Until they can do that, I’ll always be weird, or in Spanish, Preternatural, extraño, raro, destino.

Not sure how destino fits in there, but I like it.

This is truly a wonderful universe, having various worlds of different corners overlapped, in such a way that it almost feels like we’re all living on the same planet.