Feeling too comfortable…

It’s been weeks since my MCAT test… or failure for that matter… And as time pass, I find myself feeling… comfortable.

Comfort in this less-than-average existence, comfort in living as a leech and not aiming for the Stars, comfort in not going out and exploring my options. I’m comfortable where I’m at, at this very moment.

… What a terrible and horrid feeling this is…

Yes, it is terrible to feel comfortable, because at this point I’m no where near doing anything I wanted to do in my life. I’m not helping people, I’m not risking anything, I’m not improving my own life nor the lives of others. I’ve become stagnant, tranquil, apathetic.

A chemical reaction is a display of furious energy displaced on various scales, yet when it has reached perfect balance, what is observed is nothing the fury of reactions that once dazzled the sky has finished and all that is left is simply dust settling. A Grand Flame is the result of an insatiable beast growing and rising challenging all, and defying Life and Death as it takes wave after wave of watery attacks only to seem unstoppable, yet, then all of the wood has turned to ashes, when all it can feast upon are gone, where is the beast? A soldier in battle fights, not for the cause of the politician, but fights for his family back home, for his friends who are beside him on the battlefield. Stone, steel, mortar, bullet, fire, fists, he braves them all for the sake of his return home. And yet, when he does… He feels as if he’s lost something back there, something in the fog of war, something stolen by his fallen friends and enemies alike, and all he is left with is loss and regret.

I feel like I’m standing in quicksand. I’m sinking slowly and I’m afraid that when I realize that I’ll die, it’ll be too late for me to pull myself out. Has one event deterred me from all further attempts? Why am I so comfortable then? What happened to that Burning passion that lay within?

I remember this feeling made me feel like I had to run half of the time. Just bolt, not knowing where, but wherever I was headed, that was where I needed to go.

I need to remind myself of that feeling again. That imbalance that causes a ferocious display of energy and enthusiasm. I need to set myself on fire again and Run! I also need to find out what’s causing me to be in such a sorry state. Am I tired? Burned out? What could it be? I have more than enough motivation to inspire 10 people! Yet all I want to is just sit still and fade away… Fade into the wind like the ashes of my past did… Be forgotten in the rivers of time… Such a sweet death, nice and quiet… To have my fate unknown by everyone…

Except I will know…

I will know that I gave up, that I’d quit my dreams, that not only will I not make this world a better place, but I will add to it by becoming a blank face among the sea of neutrality.

Heh, I guess it’s a good thing to start feeling angry at such thoughts. But anger isn’t the right emotion, because anger is negative, I should start feeling passionate about doing something with my life. Passion is what truly cases one to move forward, passion is what lies in the heart of all those who vow to change the world, and without passion, we become apathetic, still, neutral.

Life isn’t meant to be comfortable in mediocrity. Ships and sailors aren’t hardened by smooth sailing. a good Sword and a good Soul aren’t made, they’re forged. Ayn Rand put it best,

Do not let the fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the Hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desire can be won. It exists. It is real. It is possible. It is yours” – Ayn Rand