A Weight Lifted

I’m currently in Chicago, Il. visiting my sister and her family, enjoying the sights and foods of Chicago before I go back to California with my nieces. But they went ahead of me with another brother, so my sister tells me to stay for a few more days to enjoy more of Chicago. So that’s what I’m doing, and we were all sitting at a Chinese Buffet with an actual Stir-fry chef, and we were all talking, my sister, my bro-in-law, and myself. We were talking about all sorts of things, and at the end of the rather lengthy conversation, I was walking towards the car both, heavier due to all of the food I’ve eaten, and lighter because I’ve found two very important answers to questions that have been haunting me for quite some time.

One, the main source of my frustrations and anger with JP have now been manifested into something that brings me comfort: Asperger’s. Of course! How could it have eluded me all this time! Then again, the last psychology class I took was in High school, so it’s some comfort that I didn’t catch this beforehand. But FINALLY something to work with! And I’ve been looking it up every chance I got, and it’s almost funny how the problems other people have described and the symptoms and disorders listed are all things, familiar to me, things I’ve faced and are frustrated with. Asperger’s disorder and syndrome, oh, how these words have provided me with much needed relief, not that I’m glad that they have it, on the contrary, I’m now finally glad to see that with this, well for lack of a better word, ‘Label’, I now know what problems to expect, and now can start finding ways to improve not only my relationship with said brother, but finding ways to help them move on with their lives, and become more accepting of themselves.

The second weight is more directed towards myself, and it’s a phrase I kept hearing David and Nena say throughout the conversation, when it came towards future aspects: “Let it go because you never know what’s going to happen next.” These words echoed with me. I don’t know why, but my ability to let go of my frustrations was waning, and I’ve found myself feeling more and more angry, my thoughts would be filled with dark images and fury, it was unsettling, to say the least. I’ve never acted upon them, but the fact that they’d last longer and longer, with anger from years ago, was becoming a problem. I didn’t want this anger, this rage within me, I wanted to be a good man, how could I be that when I helped one man and hated another? It doesn’t work. I’ve told my nieces: “People are like dishes, they’re not clean until every single part of them is clean, even the parts no one sees or uses.” So for me to have thoughts of hatred or anger doesn’t work. Eventually one side will come out, and that’ll be revealed as my true character. So I want my thoughts, words, actions, habits, values, and eventual destiny to be as clean as possible, because of all of the things I know I’m going to be facing in the future, and if there’s one shadow of a doubt, or if there’s a chance that I could be corrupted, then I lose my soul. But back to the subject at hand, letting it go, for the sake of the fact that tomorrow shall forever remain a mystery, I should learn to let go of all of the small things that other people have done to me. It’s the basic principle of “Forgive everyone” you’re suppose to forgive them, because you never know when you’ll see them again, heck, I could die in a plane crash on my way back home on Tuesday and if my heart is full of things that hadn’t been let go by the time of my untimely death, then I won’t be able to pass over, and I’ll stay stuck in limbo or as an evil spirit. In either case, Letting go of things is a way of being able to move on in life and to not dwell on the past that’ll eventually drag one down.

Man, I’m really grateful for my sister and her husband, without their conversations, their ability to view me as both, an equal and as a child full of potential, has given me the confidence to really learn from them and to appreciate what an adult should act like, and what I should strive to be. And now, with this weight lifted, I can now continue my path on trying to be a good man, without fear of being corrupted or losing my soul.

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Dormir

Or rather, how I realized when I threw myself off balance.

These last few days, I’ve found myself staying up until 2 in the morning, waking up more and more tired, my patience was being more short with the people around me, and this whole time I was wondering why. Only to find out that almost everything is off in my life, for one simple thing.

Sleep.

the same Rest and Restoration that I’ve idiotically deprived myself of, causing my senses, thinking, and overall physical state to be at less than optimal.

This has helped me to learn, or rather, to remember the importance of having balance in one’s life, bringing everything down to a minimal level while having the body completely focus on restoring the energy levels of my mind, body, and soul.

Strange, how something so simple as laying down and drifting off, letting go of all of the senses, all of the impulses and stimulation that causes the body to focus on the external.

I keep saying that I don’t want to sleep, or that I don’t need too much of it, but the truth of the matter is that without sleep, I’ll more than likely stop functioning altogether, at least to the point where I’ll randomly walk into rooms without remembering why. Granted, that still happens sometimes right now, but it’ll happen more frequently when I’m sleep deprived.

Also another thing, is that while I’m busy trying to help everyone else and take care of everything, I have a responsibility to make sure I do my best to help them, and I can’t help them with my best when I’m not at my best. The very first thing the Heart does for any creature, after collecting the de-oxygenated blood, but right before distributing it to the whole body and brain, is to distribute it among the Coronary Arteries, which are the arteries that cover the heart itself. It replenishes and maintains itself and it’s functions before, if not while, sending out the needed oxygenated blood to the other organs. The heart takes care of itself first because, if I didn’t, then it dies and then there’d be nothing else giving blood to the other organs, and then the whole system fails.

I think I’ve written about this before… Haven’t I? I’m certain I have.

Heh, with my luck, it’ll probably have been over a post that I wrote about sleeping, before.

But, it’s good to let go from time to time, not just in sleeping, but in life. Let’s face it, you can’t control every single aspect of your life, and to think you could otherwise, is just plain ridiculous. I’m a firm believer that all of life is like that of a Chess game, where one (in this case, me) is a Pawn and God, the Chess player, moving all of the pieces while I can only move forward. So why fool yourself into thinking that you even have control at this very moment?

In all of the hours of our day, we strive to obtain as much control as possible over our lives, What we eat, where to go, what to do, how to get there, yet although sleeping seems like a choice we make, it’s more like a decision we’ve already accepted, a decision to let go of all other choices.

But there’s something special about letting go in order to sleep. Ironically, having nothing is the ultimate sense of freedom, you’re free from every form of shackles, nothing can hold you down if you have nothing in your pockets. Letting go gives one a rather interesting perspective on Life, that the control-freaks can never see. “When you lose, you win” – What Dreams May Come.

To sleep, I mean really sleep, is probably one of the few natural joys in the world, that one can experience at any moment in time. It’s the best way to end an evening and to start a morning.

And with that, I should end this entry and work on my sleep, ha ha ha.