“Okay, Lord, I surrender…”

Several days ago, I was praying.

It was an ordinary day, nothing special happened to have spurred anything, but that night, in my prayers, I saw many things.

They were plans of how to get into medical school, ‘Become a PA then use that experience to…’ ‘Become an EMT and…’ ‘Volunteer and do this and…’ And. And. And.

Over and over again, scenarios ran through my mind, all these different routes in order to please, wow, astonish, fascinate, interest a group of people, I believed, would decide my fate.

All of these plans and more, for the sole purpose of making me seem more than what I am right now in the eyes of people who have never heard of me before…

Then a memory came. It was my sister. We were driving and she was listening to these very same ideas and her response was, “I think you’re not sticking to any of these plans is because you’re trying to do this all on your own. On your own strength.” she elaborated on the fact that none of these plans had a solid moral center. The moral center. In other words, none of these plans I had made, had God in mind.

Then each scenario faded away, and I was left in the emptiness of my mind. It was then I came to a conclusion: All my life, I was struggling, fighting, crawling my way through. Each milestone had to be drenched in my blood, sweat, and tears, so that way, I alone can claim it. And yet, it felt so hollow. My bachelor’s degree that sits on the wall before me, is just a piece of paper to my mind, a reminder that I owe money to businesses and that I’m still not in medical school.

Where was God in all that? I think a better question would be: Where did I put God in all of that?

I thanked God for laying my father to rest, and He lessened my pain. But I didn’t really plan out my future with God’s guidance, I merely said things like, “This is a good idea.I’ll do that.” and, “It’ll look good on my resume/application.” Not once had I really thought, “I think this is where God wants me to go.”

And I think that’s been my problem this entire time. Being the youngest out of 7 kids, you don’t get to claim a lot as your own, which became ingrained in one’s mind that ‘it has to be you, and only you. Otherwise, it wasn’t you who did it.’ (In all honesty, I don’t know why I thought like this, but this way of thinking stuck with me for some time.) So I’ve done something I never thought I’d do. I simply let go. In the middle of that night, on my knees, and before God (I’d like to think), I surrendered and placed my Cross before Him. My hopes, my fears, my victories, and even my defeats, I placed it all in His hands. And now, I feel… different. It’s strange, almost. But I definitely feel that something is different. So needless to say, I don’t know how or when something is going to happen, but whatever comes my way, I’ll leave it in God’s hands.

But I have to make sure that I do my upmost each and every day, trust God when he’s trying to tell me something in the middle of the fray, and trust that small voice that says, “Listen.” Otherwise, I’ll miss every opportunity.

It’s been several days now, and I am starting to tell when God is trying to tell me something and the repercussions of when I don’t listen. Heh, talk about your trial by fire.

I’m not usually one to go through life without some sort of plan for the future, but right now, the plan is: Surrender to God.

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Three Days Forward, Two Days Back

Alright, so I’ve been a bit ill lately, so now I’ve gotta catch up on my AoM challenge!

Day 13: Perform a mind dump of everything you’re worried about. From the leaky dishwasher to your family member’s poor health — get it all out. Dwight D. Eisenhower did it, and it significantly helped him manage his stress. Just as your body needs to…cleanse itself of waste, so does your mind every once in a while. Getting all your stressors on paper may alleviate some of that pressure. Use David Allen’s GTD trigger list to help you out.

OK Worries! They are: Loans, Finding a Job, being rejected from Med school, going back to regular school, finding ways to pay for it, that “presence” coming back, making a permanent mistake with Marlena, making a permanent mistake with ANY girl, utterly failing at Life, dividing my family, losing the girls, giving into temptation, wasting my time and money on useless things, wasting my family’s time and money on useless things.

Day 14: Write a review of some form of entertainment you recently took in. Whether book or movie or TV show or Broadway play, write out what you liked and didn’t like about it. Was the acting/writing good? Could you follow the story? Is there anything you can take from it about life, or was it purely entertainment? This is often one of the most enjoyable entries to write, as it’s especially fun (and quite nostalgic) to go back and read these in the future. I can imagine that 10 years from now I will thoroughly appreciate my thoughts from this week on Roy Baumeister’sIs There Anything Good About Men?.

Ninja Warrior has returned! I’m so glad that it has! Nothing motivates me more to exercise than seeing someone put their body to the test! Although all of the contestants hardly ever make it to the finish, it’s inspiring seeing them try! And every time you see one of them fall, they always say the same thing, “I’m going to do better next time.” These athletes who’s levels I don’t think I’ll ever reach, fall and rise again and again. I always say to myself, ‘One day I’ll do that too’ And I still have that in the back of my mind, to become the grand Ninja master and achieve Total Victory!

Day 15: Come up with your own Cabinet of Invisible Counselors. There are innumerable great men from history who we can learn from today. When thinking about your life or pondering some question or problem, yes, go to actual mentors and friends, but also take in the advice of men of yore. Write out who you would have on your list and what you admire about them. Having trouble coming up with a list? The comments in the post should offer plenty of ideas.

Hmm… I suppose my Cabinet would consist of:

  • Jesus – The Son of God, what better moral teacher than that?
  • Goku – A man who trained for the sake of improving himself, not for bettering others
  • Bahamut – Another Motivator, King of Dragons with an ancient Wisdom
  • My Father – My par for what I think it takes to be a Good Man
  • Sun Tzu – Master Strategist of Life and War
  • Theodore Roosevelt – Took a bullet and didn’t leave until his speech was finished, another Good Man
  • Giuseppe Moscati – Italian Doctor and patron Saint of the Catholic church, my par for being a Good Doctor
  • Albert Einstein – A slow learner who changed the world
  • Robert Frost – To remind me to take the Road less traveled
  • My Mother – To remind me to be kind to others
  • My Sister – To remind me that nothing is impossible
  • Aristotle – Philosophy is where I treasure this guy
  • Marcus Aurelius – Roman Emperor who believed that we are all connected by one singular energy
  • My Brother-in-law – Another strong man who fills the room with laughter, he bears traits that I admire
  • Balian of Ibelin – “What man is a man who does not try to make the world better?”

Tests, Allies, and Enemies

Day 10Take a look at the hero’s journey, and identify where you are in that journey. Doing so can help you better understand where you are in life, and help you figure out where to go next. You can take it in the context of your entire life, or you can take it in the context of a certain phase of your life. Either way, you can be sure that you’re part of a greater journey, and knowing what comes next can help guide you along.

Oh man! The Hero’s Journey! I love that formula! So let’s see, I need to place myself on the Hero’s Journey diagram

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If I were to put my life on anything, I suppose it’d be on “Tests, Allies, Enemies” that state where I need to prepare myself for the road ahead. I’ve graduated Univ. and have taken the MCAT and submitted my application, so I guess that’s the “Tests” portion of my Heroic Journey. I guess that leaves “Allies, Enemies” Well actually, my sister and her family moving in with us, would be a great thing to put under my “Allies” list, because they’ve given me a car and are supportive beyond all doubt, the girls keep me humble and ironically, it was my tension with Siry that is causing me to understand and get to know my Faith better.

Under “Enemies” I don’t really know, I guess it took me longer than it should have to call about my transcript problems, that’s a mixture of mental hesitation and UCR not being as useful as they should be. Let’s see, Loans would be my “Enemies” because I need a job to pay for them, and, well let’s face it, no one likes Loans.

I guess if I was being metaphorically specific, I’m in the “Tests” portion of this stage. I’m being tested on several levels of my life:

  • As I try to surrender to the Will of God, my logical mind is interfering, therefore not allowing me to really let go and let God.
  • As I remain young and single, my will is tested every time I see something that tempts me to be reckless and dishonorable.
  • As I continue on this Path of being a Doctor, my wisdom, knowledge, and resolve are tested as things continue to into the unknown.
  • As I exercise, my resolve towards being stronger, is tested by my desires to sleep in and be lazy.
  • Life is always a constant test to see whether or not I’m a good man, or if I’m just saying I’m a good man.

So there I am, I guess that means that up ahead is the Approach, I suppose that’ll mean that once I get accepted into a medical school, I’ll be preparing myself for what will come ahead.

A Day in the Life of Red

Day 9: On this day, simply write about your day. This may seem especially boring, but write out the events of your day. What time you woke up, what you had for breakfast, what your commute was like, what you did during at work, how you spent your evening. If you’re journaling in the mornings, write about the previous day. The beauty of this exercise is that you may discover something that you hadn’t realized. Maybe you weren’t very productive at work, and reflecting on it can allow you to analyze why. Perhaps you finished a big project on the house when you got home; you can think about what motivated you, how it made you feel to finish something big, etc. Don’t discount the seemingly simple task of writing about your day.

My day? Alright then…

Today I woke up at 8 AM to the sound of both my phone and my alarm some feet away from my bed, yet making the same buzzing noise. I went to the restroom and when I finished, I washed my hands and was surprized at how cold the water was on my hands, ‘Nothing like cold water to wake you up.’ I thought to myself, as I yawned and turned off my ceiling fan, I put on my sweatpants and shirt and grabbed my headphones and hoodie, and socks and shoes and I was going out the door. As I stepped out. I turned on my Zombies, Run! App, and started my run. I returned around 9 AM and saw that everyone was gathered in my Mom’s room, the Communion lady hadn’t come yet, so I said good morning to everyone and went for a warm shower, I didn’t think enough time had passed so I didn’t shave today. After putting on some regular clothes, I went into my nieces room to check on the Puppy and Kitty, After petting the both of them, I went downstairs to cook some breakfast, I ate Bacon and Eggs with Mushrooms and instead of a fork, I used Tortillas, I poured the rest of yesterday’s coffee into a mug and reheated it in the Microwave, 1 minute then an additional 30 seconds, during that time, I decided to bake some Biscuits in the oven, for the sake of wanting to eat some again. I added my French Vanilla creamer, and sat down next to my sister on her left, my brother Greggy, sat on the other side of the table on my left, and my Bro-in-law sat on the right side of my Sister. I was about half-way through my breakfast when the biscuits were finished I pulled them out and grabbed one for myself, Greg, John, Nena ate one, while David used them as bread for two sandwichs made up of his Eggs and Chorizo. My sister complimented me on the baking of the biscuits, which I replied was better than previous times when the bottom of the biscuits would be hardened, we both laughed when I said that they were actually halves of hockey pucks.

After breakfast, My sister told me it was my turn with the dishes, which I responded with an “Awww.” Her and David went upstairs while Greggy and myself began our chores, and John retired to his room. Greg put on Tom and Jerry, and I focused on loading the Dishwasher and scrubbing whatever dishes that didn’t fit. The Communion lady had left before I finished and Greg finished sweeping and moping by watching Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle. When I finished the dishes, John announced that he was going to cook Hamburgers for lunch and my sister said that she was going to cook Swai fish for my mom and David. I was content with Hamburgers, so I went upstairs to my room. I finally remembered to call UCR about my missing transcripts and after a couple of emails and a phone call felt relieved to see that the error was corrected. I then proceeded to check on my Nerdfitness threads that I follow, by then it was between 1 – 2 PM because mid-way through checking them, I heard the Puppy crying from loneliness and decided to play with him, it wasn’t long until my nieces walked through the door, announcing their return. I greeted them and told them how the Puppy stopped and was overjoyed when he heard their voices. I was asked to go to Stater Bros. to pick up some Hamburger buns, Siry went with me, and we wound up bringing home Hamburger buns, Sausages, Hot dog buns, and Portabella Mushrooms. Afterwards, John cooked all of the food and we all sat down to eat. After lunch the girls wanted to play, but I was too full, and they went to start their homework, this was around 5 PM. I checked up on them a few minutes later and they didn’t need my help, so I went back to my room and then Siry asked me to help her with coming up with a science fair project. After some searching in vain, we came up with the idea that we’d test the effects of Magnetism on Crystal rocks. Then she wanted to play the PS3 and I went with her, and eventually, we had, Siry, Isa, Greggy, Norm, Nena and myself playing Wii Party, we paired up and tried to do the Friend Compatibility mini-game, and found out that Siry and myself are very compatible and Norm and I weren’t, much to his disbelief.

Time came for the girls to go to bed, so Greggy, Norm, and I went downstairs where  Norm told us about a new game for our Android phones called “Brave Frontier” I downloaded it after watching the graphics on Norm’s phone and I immediately become hooked to it! I played it until 2 AM (which explains the delay in this entry) I said “Good Night” to my Mom at 10 PM and went to my room, where I read the Bible and Manvotionals for the day and went on NF chat and wrote half of this entry, once it hit 2 AM I turned off my laptop, said my prayers and went to sleep.

A Random Update

Wow, things have been interesting as of late. And that’s putting it lightly.

We had the house blessed and the presence that was left there is now no longer felt. It was strange, each night I’d go to sleep beforehand and my heart wouldn’t let go of the fact that there was something there. I don’t possess the gifts to see the supernatural, but when they want themselves known, they’ll tell let you know.

But I feel good now, as of a few days ago, I’ve finally submitted my Medical School application. It feels somewhat anti-climatic, but I’m now glad that it’s done. It’s like a weight has been lifted. I’ve honestly no idea what’s going to happen next and I’m almost certain that I won’t get accepted, but I can’t let that stop me from trying. Now I know that accepted or rejected, my name is out there and I’ll be known by them. If I’m accepted, that’ll be amazing; rejected, and I’ll try again next time, and they’ll recognize me.

Now it’s 12:32 AM and my sister will be home in an hour, and I’ll have more time on my hands. I can start volunteering again, get a part-time job, and even shadow more. It’s like I’m free to do more things because I’ve gotten my application out of the way.

Well, we’ll see what happens next, now that my world can expand for a time, I’m going to take this opportunity.

“In Order To Fulfill Your Life”

“That which is full can never be filled… and in LIFE in order to feel fulfilled one must first empty oneself of all selfish wants and needs in order to feel accomplished…”

This was spoken to me by my sister, she was voicing her concerns about my thinking about going to the Caribbean med school, I told her some fears that I had as time progress, how I was feeling scared that my efforts would eventually be for naught, but she told me that so long as I keep going, even repeating classes, or volunteering more, I’m still making progress, Maliha came to mind, as she’s older than me but is still trying to get into medical school, herself.

It’s a rather strange sentiment, but my sister is right when she tells me that life can be humbling at times, because I know I’m thinking from the perspective of, “OK, I’ve graduated and got my Bachelor’s so I’m going to medical school now!” when the actually process isn’t as certain, nor as straightforward. I think they’re not aware of that, despite my attempts at explaining it to them, but oh well…

So now I’m going to try to get into UCR, and since classes don’t start until mid-Sept, it looks like I’m going to have to make a few payments on the grand loan that I’ve been so concerned about, sigh… I hate spending money that isn’t mine. I need to try to remember that each step of my journey, however regretful, painful, or draining is a step closer, after all, going back to school can help my application and further my goals in the future, and wishful thinking is nothing more than a waste of time, I need to be assertive and take action!

Heh, I need to empty whatever thoughts and expections I already have in mind in order to truly fulfill my goals, that way I can be complete at the end, with all of the experiences that it entails. It’s a rather strange sentiment, I need to humble myself and let go of what I thought was going to happen, and really accept Life as it comes, I guess I was too busy worrying about things that aren’t in my control that I had forgotten what I could do. In the end, when one really puts the effort into it, one can do many great things, I can have 3 Bachelor’s with hundreds of Minors before I even apply to med school. So now, I need to focus my efforts on, not necessarily starting over, but on keeping focus on the idea that I need to have an insatiable desire to keep learning, to keep moving, a state of unsettled, a constant thirst for knowledge. After all, I really do like learning about new things, and I like to apply my knowledge to everything around me, heh despite the jeering from some of my other brothers, but I’ve always accepted the role of the guy with the scientific info, mostly because I want to see how I can simplify it for others. A strange accomplishment I feel each time I take something complex and simplify it for someone, just for the sake of it, most of the time, I doubt if they’ll ever remember my explanation but I always smile when I’m able do this.

So I guess I need to start making some calls in the morning for some appointments to get registered at UCR, this ought to be interesting.

I’m not a Man of Time

Time… The one aspect of life that’s always eluded me… The 4th dimension… The grand River…

I don’t know what’s with me, but I’ve never had a firm grasp on the concept, I never know what day it is, if I’m indoors, I wouldn’t know what hour it was, and I’m constantly baffled when I learn that I’ve lost days, with no recollection of what happened.

I’m truly a Man outside of Time.

It’s kinda funny in a way, I can stand there without a sense of hurry or be immediately rushed when I’ve got eons to finish a task. I suppose I’m merely on my own pace in life, and I’ve got to accept and utilize that.

Recently, I’ve received two separate objections to my going to Ross University, the fact that they were separate, and from people who’s opinions I cared about, told me that I should really consider the idea, and that maybe it’s not time yet.

I’ve been hesitant about my Personal Statement, it doesn’t feel right, and I haven’t submitted my AMCAS application yet, and to this moment, I still have no idea why, but one possibility is that, somewhere within me, there’s an indication that is saying that “it’s not time yet.”

I can work on increasing my grades in certain classes, I know this, but I was scared that if I started to this, my efforts towards medical school would be somehow wasted… Heh, writing it out like this, I can see that it doesn’t really make any sense. But it was making me anxious, add to that, the fact that my loans are now asking for their money back next Wednesday, and me without a job, trying to take care of my family and the house, let’s say, it’s enough to make a guy unsettled.

But there are always ways to fix this problem, the obvious, “get a job” but there’s also “Go back to school” and with school, I can still get a job (student job, anyways) and I can still work on my studies, improving my grades and maybe, just maybe find that piece that’s missing from my Personal Statement.

Man, it’s 2:37 am and it doesn’t even feel past 10 pm to me. I have to be careful, without Time, it’s possible that I can lose other structures in my mind, or maybe I’m just being paranoid. I’m beginning to notice that my thoughts are becoming random now, I should probably go to sleep.