Today I had lunch with a doctor who was going to write me a letter of recommendation. So we walked from his office to a nearby Subway and he asked me questions about myself and my beliefs and ideals in order to get a more personal view of me. So I answered his questions in the best ways I could.
So he started of with “What made you want to become a doctor in the first place?” and so naturally, I explained everything I could, so I spoke of everything, my troubling birth, my near-death experiences, the death of my Father, the life of my Mother, and everything in between. Yet, the doctor didn’t follow up with another question and there was a moment of silence, I couldn’t tell if he was reflecting on my answer or if it simply didn’t matter to him, his expression didn’t change enough for me to accurately tell.
So then during that silence, only a few moments, my mind thought, ‘Is it enough? Everything that motivates me, that I’ve said, is it really enough to actually be tested against the Trails of the Doctor?’
I mean, there’ll always be someone who’s been through a lot more than I have and have done more than I did, and they will have earn their title of ‘Doctor’, so where do I stand in all this?
Hmm… Maybe this is not a question to be answered by others, but by myself… I mean, who really cares if my Dad died? I do!… Well, as well as my immediate family, but in terms of his death as motivation towards a goal. In this case, it’s only me, the rest of the world keeps going, but it’s only I who is able to be affected by his Death, and it’s only I who decides whether or not this is a valid reason to do anything!
So the question “Is it enough?” is a self-reflecting question! Asked by me towards me, and my resolve!
Heh, guess, I should try to find an answer for it.
I know most people would say, “Of course, it’s enough!” based on the pain, suffering, and sacrifices, that’s been painted throughout my life, but one cannot forget that there’s a bigger fish in the sea, and despite everything, I’ve been through, I subconsciously have bowed out to that unknown individual who’s scars are deeper than mine and who’s smile is bigger.
But I can’t just give up the fight.
I have to get it in my head that this is not some random battle, but a life-long journey towards the bitter end! A war spanning years. And while it’ll have it’s ups and downs, the point is that I cannot stop fighting, even if everyone thinks that my reasons for fighting don’t make sense, I know what’s enough for me!
So long as I know what I’m fighting for, who I’m fighting for, and why I’m fighting, the rest of the world doesn’t matter, let the Universe go against me, I know where I stand! I have to stick to my truths even if those who stand against me are those whom I love and trust, heh, which in this family, is probably something inevitable.
So then, are all my experiences, thoughts, beliefs, scars, and truths enough of a reason for me to attempt to become a doctor? Ha! I guess there’s really only one way to find out!