I got a taste of something great

Wow, it has been quite some time since I’ve picked up this ‘Journal’. I do apologize. Actually for several reasons. It’s actually interesting, my time away has been… let’s say… interesting.

  1. First and foremost: I will no longer aim to become a Medical Doctor. Heh, it’s funny how life has these little interesting tricks and turns for us, especially when we least expect it. God set my sights on something I’ve honestly never thought I’d do. So in order to continue on this new path, I have to come to terms that this old path will no longer be my main goal. I have to let go of attempting to become a doctor… at least for now. This has to be it’s own point, because it has to be validated that this path that I thought my entire life was preparing me for, is no longer the path for me. And the reason for that is because…
  2. I am going to be an Orthoprosthetist! I am going to dedicate my life becoming someone who helps people become whole. A Prosthetist is someone who manufactures prosthetics for those who have limb loss to some degree, either it’s been acquired through some trauma in their life or it’s congenital. But either case, I’m going to be the one who sees these people and help them stand on their own feet, metal or otherwise. I will smile as they extend their reach with both arms of flesh and metal alike. I will calculate and strain my efforts to make sure that whatever device I give them will be to their benefit and to not harm or limit them in any way. An Orthotist is someone who helps fit devices to people who are damaged to the point that they require either some assistance or resistance to help their recovery. I met with the dean of the program and he liked my interview so much that he let me get accepted into the program.
  3. Oh… this first quarter… was amazing! It was frustrating and fun! My limits were pushed and my hair was almost pulled out in angst. I smiled covered in shavings of plastic and plaster, my hands have been burned on copper, and aluminum, and resin. My nights were spent working (because I’m still working as a Phlebotomist), while trying to squeeze in as much studying as possible for projects and exams, which was one of the main reasons that I had placed this Journal as well as several other things (exercising, social life, etc.) on the backburner. I had a blast, my class is one of the smallest classes in the history of the program (it’s a very recent program at this University), so we all got familiar with each other rather quickly. I like them, my other classmates.
  4. Just as quickly and spontaneously I got into the program, I’m just as quickly and spontaneously NOT continuing! This hit me like a brick wall. When I had applied for financial aid, I set all of my applications as a graduate student. Unfortunately, this particular program isn’t considered graduate until the last year, the reason for that is because they accept student who do not have a Bachelor’s degree as well as those who do. So I realize this about a week before the quarter is ending. Great. So now I have a balance that I need to pay off before I can continue. There’s no way for me to generate ~$8000 in a manner of days (legally, that is). That’s it. I can’t continue. Done. My academic career is on pause until this debt has been paid off. I’ll admit it, this hit me Hard. I thought I had done something wrong, my initial thoughts and prayers were along the lines of: “Please don’t take this away from me.” “Is this all I’m given?” and “Why take this away if it’s my path/destiny/future?” And so on.
  5. I felt defeated for the first time in a LONG time. I had answers, but no solutions. I knew what I had to do and I felt powerless as the inevitable approached. It’s like seeing a punch coming right at you, and you have no way of dodging it. So all I could do is just take it. Bam. Right in the center of my face, and there’s not a damn thing I could’ve done to avoid it. Down I go, the next hit being the impact of my body hitting the unforgiving ground. Thud. And I lie there for what seems like forever, body shaken to its core, time has become nonexistent, and my mind is wondering what just happened…
  6. And then a hand reaches out… It pulls me up… It’s familiar grip is causing me to rise from this defeat… And I’m feeling uplifted… and then I get slapped in the face?!… Wait, what was that for?! It was my ever loving sister, she reminds me that this isn’t the end, that I took a chance from the very beginning and that quite simply I extended my reach far beyond my grasp. The odds were being stacked like mountains before me, and that the very fact that I even got in should’ve been a sign that I must proceed with caution. I let myself get too comfortable and ergo, let things slide when I should’ve followed up. I chose to forget things when I should’ve set reminders. But there’s one thing that finished this package: It’s not the end. I had answers and some of those answers were: I can come back, and I can pick up where I left off, My progress isn’t in vain. And that as soon as I can pay off this debt, I can continue! I will continue!

So that’s it. WHEW! Seeing it on here, it almost looks like a series of random events, but that’s how it went for me. I haven’t had much time for much else. My time and focus has been towards my studies, but now that I might not go to school at the moment, I can start diverting my attention and energy towards other things, for example restarting habits I had let go like exercising and writing in this journal. Also, I’ve been meaning to pick up new habits like reading and budgeting. Perhaps this time I’ll have a better go at everything that’s coming my way. For now, I’m just… heh, enjoying the present, because that’s really all I can do.

heh, Merry Christmas!

Oh and, thank you catsthatpost for liking one of my entries. it brought to my attention how long it has been since I’ve last written in here. Thank you for reminding me.


The Freedom of Choice

“At any given moment in time, you have a choice. You can either choose one thing or the other.” My sister spoke this to me, we were talking about my progress on feeling Remorse, and it came to light that I’ve constantly felt disconnected with the rest of the world. People know how I am, yet they didn’t really know who I am. Friends and family, will know that I’m loyal, offer good advice, and so on, yet they wouldn’t know much about me, my likes, my dislikes, and so on.

And the reason for this, is because I had allowed myself to be surrounded by people who needed my help, and I didn’t need theirs, so there was an imbalance to the point where it’s difficult for me to talk about myself towards others. Very rarely had I the chance to express myself, and now this is causing me to be numb to even my own accomplishments.

So when I heard these words, it stuck with me. ‘Choice. I’ve chosen. I have a choice. I’ve made a choice.’ my mind is weird. It followed with a clip from the Matrix Revolutions.

‘Because I choose to. It doesn’t matter what the choices were in the past. Now there’s a new choice: To keep going or not. To keep fighting or not. To stay or to go.’

In each of the quotes that decorate my mirror, there’s a central theme that resonates beneath them. And that is, Choice.

There’s a choice in every thing. To accept it or not. To define it, or have it define you. To quit or get fired. It’s opened my eyes, ‘What sort of poor decisions have I been making in the past?’ 

And that’s been my mantra for the last couple of days. It’s interesting how something, anything in this life, can be broken down to two choices, and what’s even more curious, is the fact that there will be situations where there won’t be a clear decision, “The lesser of two evils” or “to pick between two good choices” I honestly can’t wait for those to come to my plate, but I must learn not to look for trouble, because when God decides that it’s time for me to face such a situation, I’ll face it.

And yet, To have this echo in my mind, ‘You have a choice.’ It’s filled me with such inspiration, such desire, I almost feel at peace. There’s a small part of me that feels restless because I haven’t become a doctor yet. Despite having my plans solidified, I’m still anxious to see it come to fruition, and I’m ready to put my all into it this time.

I feel like I just reach the summit of a mountain, and I’m able to see every road around me, every possibility is available to me. I should’ve felt like this graduating college, or high school even!

But the choices of my past have made me stray quite a bit from my goals, and now I have to carve a new path to get to where I want to be, which means that I’ll have to work twice as hard to get there. But that idea seems to put a smile on my face. I can’t wait to put myself to the test.

I’m starting to like this freedom I’ve discovered. I chose to like this freedom that I’ve chosen to accept. Ha ha ha… This is going to be fun…

The Odds Stacked Against Me

I’m writing this entry on my phone, because my laptop has no access to the internet because the bill needs to be paid, and with no money to pay for it, here I am.

Truth be told, my life hadn’t changed much with lack of internet, in fact, it’s kinda relieving, not having the entire outside world within your reach, it helps one explore the world within oneself. However, that being said, I’ve come to realize that not having the internet is currently a bad thing, because as someone trying to look for a job, 95% of all applications are done online, not to mention applications to schools, letters to important people, as well as vital information are all online.

To add to that, the PA program requires me to take a statistics class before applying, I was also thinking about throwing a medical terminology course as well. Yet even if I took online courses, there’s the small matter of paying for it.

I still need to shadow a PA To get a good recommendation letter, as well as more volunteer hours, but that isn’t a priority at the moment. What is a priority is that my loans are becoming overdue, my bills are also reaching their deadlines, no internet, soon-to-be no phone, and no job, one would think I’d be sweating bullets and losing sleep…

But I’m not. In all honesty, my mind is calm, my heart is at peace, and I’m sleeping quite soundly at night, the reason? Faith.

I’m not sure how to explain it, but I know that by worrying over this, nothing will be accomplished, so I don’t. In my heart, I know that I’ll be alright, that my future is secure and bright, that no matter how high the odds are stacked against me, and it’s pretty high, my life is in God’s hands. To have faith, isn’t to be blind, but to walk the path, knowing that everything will be alright, to lift up ones head even when there seems to be no reason to, to find that light at the end no matter how long one has been in the dark.

This is rather dangerous thinking, I’m sure. Mostly because it can easily fall into apathy, but when checked, this what I believe is the right course. Time had always been against me, that uphill battle just never seems to end, and yet, here I am with my head and my hopes as high as they can be.

No matter how high the odds are, I know that I’ll be exactly where I’m needed to be.

“In Order To Fulfill Your Life”

“That which is full can never be filled… and in LIFE in order to feel fulfilled one must first empty oneself of all selfish wants and needs in order to feel accomplished…”

This was spoken to me by my sister, she was voicing her concerns about my thinking about going to the Caribbean med school, I told her some fears that I had as time progress, how I was feeling scared that my efforts would eventually be for naught, but she told me that so long as I keep going, even repeating classes, or volunteering more, I’m still making progress, Maliha came to mind, as she’s older than me but is still trying to get into medical school, herself.

It’s a rather strange sentiment, but my sister is right when she tells me that life can be humbling at times, because I know I’m thinking from the perspective of, “OK, I’ve graduated and got my Bachelor’s so I’m going to medical school now!” when the actually process isn’t as certain, nor as straightforward. I think they’re not aware of that, despite my attempts at explaining it to them, but oh well…

So now I’m going to try to get into UCR, and since classes don’t start until mid-Sept, it looks like I’m going to have to make a few payments on the grand loan that I’ve been so concerned about, sigh… I hate spending money that isn’t mine. I need to try to remember that each step of my journey, however regretful, painful, or draining is a step closer, after all, going back to school can help my application and further my goals in the future, and wishful thinking is nothing more than a waste of time, I need to be assertive and take action!

Heh, I need to empty whatever thoughts and expections I already have in mind in order to truly fulfill my goals, that way I can be complete at the end, with all of the experiences that it entails. It’s a rather strange sentiment, I need to humble myself and let go of what I thought was going to happen, and really accept Life as it comes, I guess I was too busy worrying about things that aren’t in my control that I had forgotten what I could do. In the end, when one really puts the effort into it, one can do many great things, I can have 3 Bachelor’s with hundreds of Minors before I even apply to med school. So now, I need to focus my efforts on, not necessarily starting over, but on keeping focus on the idea that I need to have an insatiable desire to keep learning, to keep moving, a state of unsettled, a constant thirst for knowledge. After all, I really do like learning about new things, and I like to apply my knowledge to everything around me, heh despite the jeering from some of my other brothers, but I’ve always accepted the role of the guy with the scientific info, mostly because I want to see how I can simplify it for others. A strange accomplishment I feel each time I take something complex and simplify it for someone, just for the sake of it, most of the time, I doubt if they’ll ever remember my explanation but I always smile when I’m able do this.

So I guess I need to start making some calls in the morning for some appointments to get registered at UCR, this ought to be interesting.

I’m not a Man of Time

Time… The one aspect of life that’s always eluded me… The 4th dimension… The grand River…

I don’t know what’s with me, but I’ve never had a firm grasp on the concept, I never know what day it is, if I’m indoors, I wouldn’t know what hour it was, and I’m constantly baffled when I learn that I’ve lost days, with no recollection of what happened.

I’m truly a Man outside of Time.

It’s kinda funny in a way, I can stand there without a sense of hurry or be immediately rushed when I’ve got eons to finish a task. I suppose I’m merely on my own pace in life, and I’ve got to accept and utilize that.

Recently, I’ve received two separate objections to my going to Ross University, the fact that they were separate, and from people who’s opinions I cared about, told me that I should really consider the idea, and that maybe it’s not time yet.

I’ve been hesitant about my Personal Statement, it doesn’t feel right, and I haven’t submitted my AMCAS application yet, and to this moment, I still have no idea why, but one possibility is that, somewhere within me, there’s an indication that is saying that “it’s not time yet.”

I can work on increasing my grades in certain classes, I know this, but I was scared that if I started to this, my efforts towards medical school would be somehow wasted… Heh, writing it out like this, I can see that it doesn’t really make any sense. But it was making me anxious, add to that, the fact that my loans are now asking for their money back next Wednesday, and me without a job, trying to take care of my family and the house, let’s say, it’s enough to make a guy unsettled.

But there are always ways to fix this problem, the obvious, “get a job” but there’s also “Go back to school” and with school, I can still get a job (student job, anyways) and I can still work on my studies, improving my grades and maybe, just maybe find that piece that’s missing from my Personal Statement.

Man, it’s 2:37 am and it doesn’t even feel past 10 pm to me. I have to be careful, without Time, it’s possible that I can lose other structures in my mind, or maybe I’m just being paranoid. I’m beginning to notice that my thoughts are becoming random now, I should probably go to sleep.