Personal Responsibility

Ever since I’ve been back from Chicago, I’ve focused all of my attention on making my nieces happy, and trying to play with them and keep them happy. Yet, I’ve squandered my time alone. I’ve looked up lustful things, and stayed up until 3 am, just plain wasting time. Not to mention that I’ve allowed my eating habits to slip entirely, and my exercising has completely been non-existent, since I had left for Chicago.

So when I was saying outloud, “Man, I need to exercise again.” my niece Isa, overheard me and simply said, “You know, you can always ask us to leave you alone to exercise.” Sigh… There she goes again, with the simplest motion, the Child has once again helped me find an answer to help me find balance in my life, and have taught me a life lesson, all at once.

Personal Responsibility.

Some time ago, When Isa and Siry asked why I worked out, I told them that I always wanted to be as strong as I can so that when they ask me to do anything, I would never say, “I can’t do it because I’m not ______ enough.” Granted, I’m a poor man, so I can throw in “rich” and not feel guilty about it… Well, too much guilt.

So, while I’ve been spending time with the girls, my strength is waning, my stomach is growing… rounder, and over all, I’m getting weaker. My patience is shortened, and my body is stiffer, I’m not as limber as I used to be, which was like, 4 weeks ago!

Man! I need to be the example for the girls that I once was, well that is, one of the examples that they look at. They’ll record everything in their innocent eyes and I do not want to be the one who teaches them distrust and hatred, especially since I know about it first-hand.

So, I’ll keep myself responsible for myself! After all, there’s no one else who’s going to do so. I won’t be the weak link in this chain! I am going to get stronger, so that I will not make the same mistakes as those before me! I know I have it within me to do great things and I’m going to need all the strength I can muster for what lies ahead.

I have to learn that this Life was left in my charge and I have to make sure it’s the best life I can possibly live, to earn my name and this life that’s been spared from Death for so long, I have to check myself on all levels in order to live a happy and fulfilled life. So far, I’m rather lacking on my own levels towards a happy life, that’s probably because I’m still growing and maturing, I still have a long way to go before I can finally enjoy this life on my own terms. I’m actually looking forward to the future.

Now if I can just muster up some courage to submit my application, I’ll be set!


And at the Core, Burn.

These last few days I’ve been surprizingly busy! It seems like after breakfast, my day goes from slow to Sprint!

The details are random and pointless, but what happened is that my attention and energy are being put into rushing all over the place. So I’ve noticed one thing about myself during all this: I work rather well under pressure.

I can think pretty rapidly over several different objectives to be done, even do a second-look on the progress of each objective, then I can shift my energy to an additional objective, all with enough time and space for something spontaneous to occur.

This is one of those rare moments where I strongly resonate with some pagan ideals that people are born with particular elements, in my case, Fire. When I was rushing back and forth, I noticed that I was smiling. The different situations that demanded different forms of thinking, the energy that’s required to perform each solution with tact, and then making up a new, random solution for something unexpected entirely!

My mind and body responded by rising up to the call of the rush, and I loved it. I loved the rush, the demands, and how naturally it felt to accomplish them. I can see now, that this feeling will be familiar when I’m in the rush of a hospital, patients coming in back and forth, each with a different case and, thus, a different diagnosis. If I’m good enough, perhaps I’ll be in charge of telling people who needs what.

I’ve always seen Fire as the sorta black sheep of the Elements, flows like water, can generate as much force as the earth, and is as light as the air itself. Unlike the others, it’s mostly associated with it’s negative side, destruction, consumption, and overall bad things. But for those who know how to see them, they each have a balance with nature. Water can quench a man’s thirst or drown him, Air can give life or toss him like a rag doll at high speeds. Fire can scorch a man, or give him light, and that’s how many people will end it. But for me, I go beyond the physical.

Like my reasons for the heart, I tend to go metaphorical, it’s often said when someone is passionate, that he’s got a fire burning within his eyes! The warmth of a home goes beyond the Fireplace, and the cold-hearted have lost any sparks for sympathy.

Passion has been tied to fire since it’s conception, and when I feel rushed in the same manner than I did these last few days, I get passionate, and when I start, during the rush, and afterwards in my exhaustion, there’s a smile on my face. This isn’t a sign that the flame has died within me, but that the raging inferno has dwindled into a small flame, and rather than full of energy and adrenaline, I’m calm and peaceful.

At the center of how I am, I’m like a fire burning to face every situation. I like facing the wind and holding my ground against the tides at the beach; like flames, I like to climb high and reach into the sky, I like to move, drive, run, act, think fast, I’m perfectly fine to the ideas of standing alone in the darkness and joining together with others. Give me a reason to light up, and I’ll fight off all of the darkness in the world, Give me a reason to shine, and I’ll light up the way for others to do as well, Burn me, and I can spread my wrath to all over your world.

While the other elements can come from other origins or in other forms, Water can be either vapor or ice, rocks can be diamond, sand or charcoal, Fire is always in one form, it always comes from one spark, be it a pilot light, a match, or a thunderbolt, all it takes is that one spark.

But my flame is covered in human flesh, meaning that I’ll eventually tire, forget, and at times, lose motivation, these are the rules that are tied to this. But despite how calm or small my internal fire gets, I can never forget, never forget the speed my thinking can get, never forget the daunting demands that I can meet, with tact and precision. No, the internal flame cannot forget, no matter how long it’s been stagnant and tranquil, no matter how long it’s been simply standing there, warding off the darkness, no matter how many days, months, years have passed, it still remains.

And so long as this flame still remains burning inside, I, too, shall remain.

To do what needs to be done

“A Child’s tear rends the Heavens” today, had an interesting start.

Today was the day of my Mom’s doctor’s appointment, so we were getting ready to leave until, just across the street, a child was crying, she was wearing a sweater inside out, her back dirty and wet, I walked up to try to talk to her.

“Are you ok?” I ask her. “No…” she sobs, “What happened?” “I… *sob* It… *sob*” and the conversation keeps going as such. It was difficult to get some answers, I look back to my mom, who’s signalling me to hug the poor child, so I do, trying to comfort her, telling her it’s OK, her sobbing lessens, as I rock her back and forth.

Yet time is passing, I’m the only driver who’s able to take my mom to the doctor, her health quickly diminishing, the longer she’s outside. She can’t stay outside for too long, otherwise she’ll fall gravely ill.

So, who do I take care of a crying child or an ill, elderly woman?

It’s going to be decisions like this that I’ll face whenever I’m in a crisis. Who has the worst condition? Who needs help the most? Who can withstand pain, just a bit longer, and who can’t? Who still has strength and whose is about to run out?

I learned in high school  first responder knowledge ie. Start with the one not breathing, then measure the severity of each person’s wound and go from there.

That’s good advice for life. “Look at what’s the most severe problem, the one that will determine who lives and who dies, either literally or metaphorically, but in essence the one that will change one’s life. Once that’s taken care of, look around at the other problems and measure their severity, or effect on one’s life, and find ways to fix them, and so on and so forth, trying to leave the smallest/pointless problems for last.”

To conclude the story, I called the police to help that little girl, before I had to leave, and even to this moment, I’m hoping that someone was able to help her, and wishing I could’ve stayed there to help her. Yet I had to do what I needed to do, I was the only one who can drive my mother to her appointment, and there was no other.

I still feel worried about that little girl, and I’m going to have to try to deal with the fact that I can’t think I can save everyone! Even now, there’s probably some poor child crying alone on the street, with no one to comfort them. It’s a sad thought, and if I think more on it, it’s going to kill me, but that’s the point is that there will always be someone hurting and in pain, all the more reason why I need to hurry up and get into a position where I can actually do something!

Sigh… Getting aggravated now isn’t going to do anything for me. All I can do right now, is just use this as motivation that I need to do what needs to be done, if I waste time doing random pointless things, then the little girl will be sad and alone.

For her, for that little girl alone crying on the sidewalk…

Finding Strength Within

“God never gives you anything more than you can handle.” This is a very common phrase, often used to inspire others, and yet, often times we find someone praying for God to grant them the strength/courage/will to overcome something. Quite the paradox, to someone looking from the outside in.

But to me, I believe that God has already granted us all the strength, courage, endurance, Intelligence, willpower, we’ll ever need in our lives, as Galileo put it, “You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him discover it in himself.” The wells that contain these abilities lie within oneself.

It’s all based on one’s own beliefs, and ethics, and how strongly they hold to them. If someone is fearful, then they’ll think that they have no courage, but what the case really is, is that they have yet to tap into the source of courage that lies dormant within them.

Often times in stories, the Hero discovers a hidden/special ability/item that allows them to defeat the great evil that threatens oblivion, but even to acquire that ability/item, the Hero had to fight and travel using what he knew, what he started off with.

In the beginning of any Mario Bros. game, you had only 2 abilities: Run and Jump, and you had to use them to find the mushrooms and fireflowers, and Yoshis to help you reach the final level where Bowser has taken Princess Peach, Link starts off with a Sword, and in practically every Final Fantasy, you start off either at Level 5 or Level 1, with basic equipment. Yet, throughout each game, you have to use what you already have at your disposal in order to gain more advanced levels. In each quest, you have to stick to what you already know in order to go forward, and utilize them in nearly any and every way you can. For Mario, one discovers that when one jumps on several enemies enough times, without stopping, a 1-Up is gained, Link can use interesting sword techniques to expose an enemy’s underbelly, in Final Fantasy, critical hits are delivered at random and can cause severe damage to their enemies.

Translating this to life, one can see that within ourselves, we have all of the power needed in order to conquer ever demon that stand before us. All it takes is just the ability to stand up and say, “I can do this.” followed by small actions that lead towards that goal.

My current goal is to get a good score on the MCAT, and in order to accomplish this, I have to discover the formulas and equations hidden within my Well of Knowledge and Science, at the proper moment, but in order for that, I have to start at Science Level 1, and it’s a long and draining process. So what can help me keep pressing when my eyes are a nice red glaze and my mind is more fried than an egg? When the hours are late and the information is becoming more and more like a foreign language than an equation? It’s during these moments, that feels like the well has run dry, but beneath it, lies another. It’s more than strength, it’s beyond it. It’s the drive. When strength is gone, and the mind is drained, what lies beneath all this is the motivation to keep pressing forward. When the body feels like lead, the motivation keeps your legs moving, your heart pounding, your lungs breathing.

Motivation is what fills the Wells that one reaches into first, and from there, you go and dig deeper into your soul. You start to see everything that you can only see as you approach the bottom of the Well, your limitations, your motivations, and which of them will outlast the other. God has already given you everything you’ll ever need, from motivation, to how you’re going to see it and have it engraved in your own soul, so that when there are no structures left and all the lights go out, one shall remain…