Coming back into the rhythm of things

Man, I’ve had one hell of an absence. Not in the sense that I’ve been gone a long while, but in the sense that I’ve had a lot of interesting things happen while I was gone!

But before I get into all of the interesting things I plan on reflecting on, I’m going to write this entry on how I’ve missed this journal. I like my time spent just pouring my thoughts on here. My thoughts often run rampant in my mind, and with this journal, I can explore each one rather thoroughly. Not to mention the meditative benefits this gives me, with each thought explored, means that’s another thought that is processed and set aside. Lest, it’s something I need to come back to it in the future.

In either case, I want to make more of a conscious effort into writing, reading, and just plain thinking things through. I’ll admit, that I’ve let my Xbox One get the better of my time, and most things have gone to the wayside.

But I’m going to change that. I’m going to start setting times to do things that I really want to do with my time, other than play video games, that is.

So this entry will be a short one, and the future ones will take a bit longer to write, because in the past what I would usually do is just keep writing until I’m finished. Which isn’t bad, except I would finish at like 1 or 2am. And if I want to have sufficient energy to tackle the day, I’m going to need sufficient rest as well.

So here’s to a start of sorts. One of many.

“What kinda guy would I be?”

I remember saying this years ago, “What kinda guy would I be, if I was in this for the _______?” and I’d finish it with something that other people would normally give to others but not to me, i.e. gratitude, appreciation, or even just a plain “Thank you”.

Life took a rather funnier perspective each time I said it, it gave me a sense of humility and strength at the same time. I’m stronger because I didn’t need the recognition, and I’m humbled with the idea that I did the good deed simply out of nature. Heh, signs of a good man, maybe… Maybe, if I acted enough like a good man, or thought enough like a good man, I’ll be a good man? The sort of “fake it until you make it” sense.

You know, it’s strange to think that there are times when I’m not the good man, when I’m the one who needs help, or advice. Granted, I’m human and am expected to make mistakes and whatnot, but I often wonder what could cause me to no longer see through this perspective.

I’ve always liked this perspective, this ideal, this concept that I don’t need reciprocation of anything from anyone else, that ‘virtue is its own reward’ and that solidified the idea that I could possibly be a chivalrous man in this world. 

It comes with a fantastic yet subtle feeling, but it has always been able to take me with the gentlest of touches, like a child’s hand on one’s face; frail, soft and borderline innocent. Yet, it’s something I’ll instinctively reach for when it’s there, almost as if I don’t want it to fall. 

Ha ha ha, what is this? This is one of the strangest things to have crossed my path, if I were to call it anything, I’d call it: A Reminder.

A reminder that no matter what I’m faced with, virtue is always a choice, even if it’s at the end. A reminder that good people always do the right thing, regardless of the cost. A reminder that there’s still a chance that I can also be one of the good guys. 

I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes and I’m constantly searching ways to prevent these incidents and improve myself, in multiple levels of my life, maybe this is my path to trying to be a good man in this world. Heh, what kind of a guy would I be, if I didn’t try to be the best guy that I can be?

Unfulfilled

“One can never plan for Crazy…”

I read this in a thread pertaining to the Colorado Massacre, how no matter what you do, either carry a gun with you or become in so fit a shape you can take down anyone in 15 seconds, you cannot really plan for the seemingly spontaneous, for the moment ‘something snaps’ within someone, nor for the moment the world has decided to take a drastic turn for the worse.

And with such situations, I’m curious as to what is going on in someone’s mind at the very end.  Yes, that is rather disturbing, because I even thought this with my father as well, who fell to his death. But what caused this to come to mind at the moment, besides all of the dark songs that are curiously playing right now, is a post on Help.com, a website I regularly visit, where people post their problems online, seeking answers, and one such post was from someone I know online, she posted that she felt her life was unfulfilled, tying that with my recent reading of the Colorado Massacre, caused my thinking to take a left turn. Now my thoughts go towards pondering what the last thoughts were of those people who died, even of the gunman who apparently was a candidate for a field in neurology. This individual is practically everything I want to be, so it eludes me why would he do such a thing, from Scientist to Murder, in one night… Sorry, I’m digressing.

I really wondered about what things in life people wished they had done before they meet their end, however unexpectedly. Were they in the process of it? Or had they kept putting it off due to compromises and circumstances? If someone shot me dead right now, how much regret would I be filled with?

The answer is: A Lot. Plain and simple. I’ve always tried to make sure I am good with people, often trying to be honest and tactful, so there’s really nothing left unsaid between us. Yet in terms of what I wanted to do, to see, to experience, those categories are rather lacking.

Needless to say, my life is rather unfulfilled.

I’m often associated with potential and never-been-done-before achievements, with my goals and current progress, yet, in terms of making my own life interesting, I have nothing. I don’t have many experiences that solidify my own self, that don’t allow me to really stand my ground. I mean, it’s my current interests that have allowed me my rules and honors and beliefs, yet, very few experiences have given me reason enough to really give them strength. For example, I know it’s wrong to pollute, yet I’ve never stood at a monument that completely surrounded me with a sense of awe, and wonder, and the sense that “This is the power of Nature”. I feel should I experience such a feeling, I would be more adamant about not throwing things away.

I guess, my point really is that, I want to live life on my own terms, yet I’m currently restricted through circumstances. Yet, regardless of whatever circumstances I am in, I’m going to try to be as honorable and respectful as possible, even if it’s menial work, or talking to someone I greatly dislike. That way, should I die an early death, I can say, “I didn’t get a chance to do everything, but I at least was honorable about what I did do.” Or something to that extent.

I guess, as my heart goes out to those who have lost their lives, I hope that I’m able to live life in their honor, by doing the things I’ve always wanted to do, because they can’t anymore. Their goals will remain unfulfilled, their experiences no longer will be felt by them, and all of their efforts and potentials, will remain unknown, if not forgotten… I hope I’m able to make it… I want to fulfill my goals before death finally catches up with me. I want to make this world better, if only for one person.