Take a Breath

Count to ten.

Step outside of yourself and just try to relax.

Earlier today, an argument occurred between the two of the heads of this family. This has been going on for quite some time, according to one, and although SO much good has been done for the other, there is still some resentment or animosity remaining.

I was just asked to pray for them because a big decision is coming soon, and the other spoke of leaving for the sake of granting peace. For the last 10 minutes, my heart was beating quite solidly, something is going to happen. I don’t know what it is, but whatever it is, it’s going to have quite an effect on us.

I really hate this feeling… But then again, this could be a feeling that I need to step up and do something about it. It’s bizarre to have such a negative, unsettling feeling within you. I’ve come across several experiences, even facing Death, but this one is a new one to me, this is… Life-altering. If I don’t do this right, Life will not be the same and things can fall apart, this delicate balance can easily break and for my mistake, I can drive the final stake that will break this family apart.

I never boasted having a strong intuition, but I can at least sense the gravity of a situation, and this is definitely something that has me worried. I have quite a bit of praying to do tonight.

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A Blessing In Disguise

A few days ago, the bills of our household were piling up on us, and we had lost the luxury of both the internet and our cells. We were seemingly cut off from the rest of the world, information couldn’t have been obtained, I had no access to anything on the digital world, and quite honestly, I was perfectly fine with it. It felt a bit strange at first, to not have the entire information of the world at my fingertips, but then I started looking around and simply looked for something else to do, T.V. was a bore, but then my brother, Greggy, suggested reading something like I had always claimed I “wanted” to do.

So I grabbed a book he got for his birthday some years ago, The Blood of Aenerion by William King, it was the story of the young High Elf Princes Tyrion and Teclis, old friends from Warhammer, who’s history and legends I was familiar with, but this was during the times before their days of glory and legend, and I was simply blown away by it, although that could be because of my familiarity of the two protagonists, but I was even more surprized at myself, I wasn’t playing a game on my phone, nor was I mindlessly surfing the web, looking at useless things that will never apply to my own life. I do feel guilty at the prevention of my responsibilities being fulfilled on NF, but this situation is pretty much out of my hands. But I’ve come to realize how much of a distraction the internet has become for me. I mean, even right now as I’m typing this on a OneNote document, I would’ve been distracted with Facebook, opening a new tab and googling something random, or just plain staring at random articles or information that I didn’t really need to know, or already knew. It’s a pretty bad cycle.

So the time for Lent has come and I’ve made my decision to sacrifice something large in my life as well as try to introduce something else all in hopes that this will let me become closer to God. And so when my sister recommends that as an added sacrifice for Lent to restrict the time spent on the internet to two hours, I readily jumped on it. I work best if I have set restrictions upon myself, so this 2-hour time limit suits me just fine. Although the main purpose is so that one of my other brothers doesn’t just isolate himself in his room all day, every day, we are willing to also make that same limitation so as to not make him feel any lesser.

And I must admit, that this temporary change is having a bit of a ripple effect on the whole family, instead of mindlessly playing our games on the phone, Greggy and I spend our time after chores, reading, him, his Legend of Zelda mangas, and me, his Aenerion book. We even turned off the T.V. so as to avoid wasting the energy while we’re reading and it has become so peaceful. I love this freedom that we’ve found ourselves in. It’s relieving, not having the entire world wide web so easily accessible, it’s like I can just take the time to stop and sit down and simply be in the present moment, not thinking about the distant future, or the past that is Facebook, or even in present moments that are completely irrelevant to me and my life. I feel calm and not rushed, even more energetic thanks to this turn of events.

Speaking of events, the General Manager of a local store, asked David if they know anyone hiring and my name was mentioned, as soon as I got word of it, I immediately got dressed and ran out the door, meeting up with said manager and he informally interviewed me, I gave out the answers as honestly and as best as I could, remaining humble, yet determined, and I left there thinking that it went well, so hopefully, God will grace me with a job, it wouldn’t be much, but hey, it’s better than nothing. Also Greggy has registered for school after a long period of inactivity, he’ll be taking classes in the summer and I’ve planned on talking to the people at the Library of the community college and hopefully I can help him find a job at the campus. Norm has at this moment, flown to Boston for another show for his work, he called earlier today letting us know that he has landed safely. A couple of days ago, my Mother went to her doctor’s appointment where she discovered she had lost 30 lbs thanks to my sister’s diet that she has placed my mom under. We left the hospital with a big smile on her face and a clean bill of health, that is, cleaner than it’s been for quite some time.

So it looks like things are progressing rather well with my whole family, with the metaphorical and digital loss of the world, we’re gaining something more, each of us. I can only hope that when we do get the internet back, that I hold true to the lessons learned in these last few days, and not forget that I don’t need to have my face glued to this screen to be happy, and that a little initiative can go a long way.

Led by a Child

I was standing there, being told the honest truth from an honest child, my niece Isa, who’s asked me to talk to her in private.

She told me that I was being too serious and that my other niece, Sirena, didn’t like me too much because of it. And it was true, I had been rather short with her and lost my patience with her much quicker than I used to, and so, she took it upon herself to pull me aside and discuss this with me. She asked me basic questions, and then, she asked me, “So, what’s the problem?” and then she somehow, caused me to expand my mind, like I did some time ago.

It felt so familiar, this vastness that I had long forgotten, my mind went to work immediately, throwing out the problems and solving it in, what is seen in my mind, as the space right in front of me. My mouth utters fragments of the processes, in loud whispers, heh, confusing my nieces who’s thinking that I’m talking to her, my eyes move back and forth, fixated on floating objects that cannot be seen by others, my mind utilizing every relevant information, data, and memory, to solve the dilemma. And there it was, my answer, that is, the reason why I was being short with Siry, it was never because of her, but her actions that became a sort of, straw that broke the camel’s back, to frustrations that came from others. I couldn’t stop myself from laughing, this child, who couldn’t possibly understand the vastness of what lies within my mind, has so easily guided me as if she was guiding her pet to water.

So, after a few hours, I immediately sought ways to prevent this from happening again, and, once again, Isa was telling me ways to find peace or to calm down should the situation arrive again, to at least not be short with Siry. And once again, I’ve found my answer, Rakuen, a song from the Trigun soundtrack, a very peaceful song that I would listen to whenever I’m done exercising. This song means a lot to me because one time after exercising, I was laying on the garage floor, and I imagined myself in a place just outside the forest, a sort of campground, there was a boulder for a seat, and two logs forming a triangle, then in the middle was a place for a fire, surrounded by rocks, it always looked blackened, as if the fire was already gone, it was always sunny, and clear, and water can be heard from far away.

It was my paradise. My place of solitude whenever anything got me riled up. But it was also there that I saw my Father, I saw his face clearly, yet I couldn’t see his body. He didn’t say anything, nor made any sort of expression that I could remember, but I knew it was him. I was almost in tears at his presence.

Since then, I’ve always gone back to that place, my Rakuen, my Paradise. My place of Serenity and Peace. Yet, I haven’t seen my Father again in there, I keep returning but he hasn’t come back.

And now, I’m here, mind at peace, and all because of this child… a Child… Wait, wasn’t there a child on my spiritual Journey? There was! I never could see who the child was, but I do remember a child and a woman, whom I assumed was the mother… Could Isa, be this child I saw long ago? Causing my emotions to go from perilous to calm and tranquil?

… Ha ha ha! That would be amazing! I mean, I always knew the girls were far smarter than I was at their age, but this is something else entirely! I took that journey way back in RCC, they weren’t even there yet!

This is amazing… For God to have given me, not only these girls as wonderful blessings, but to have one of them, help me on my own life, is something that makes my heart overflow completely.

I know now that this child will be interesting to see grow up, she’s got the potential to change this world, I can see it! To have so easily balanced me out with as gentle a touch one can give, Isa is something special. Heh, and here I have a plethora of quotes and philosophy, wisdom and knowledge that’s been passed down from generations, all laid at the feet of this small child. But the Lord always says, “Keep your faith, like that of a child’s.” I guess this is His way of reminding me of that phrase.

A child has helped me rediscover paradise within my own soul. How more blessed can I be?

 

The Source of My Wrath

I was praying the Rosary last night, and various scenarios came across my mind, involving someone close coming to me asking me for advice for their problems, and they’re frustrated, and acting in their usual manners, but something occurred that troubled me. You see, it’s natural for them to be frustrated and angry and ignorant to the advice given to them, but in each scenario, my voice was raised, my words became sharp, and I became angry, I snapped at whoever came to me.

And it was most troubling…

I remember just a few years ago, I was perfectly fine when facing a frustrating person, I was calm and collected. So why are my thoughts full of anger right now?

I found a prayer card we printed when my Father died, it was the St. Francis of Assisi prayer:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light.
Where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Amen.

My father always liked St. Francis more than the other saints, so we chose this prayer. So when I read it again after sometime, the very first line echoed with me, “Lord, make me an instrument of your peace” Peace. Not wrath, not anger, not frustration, peace.

So, the question rises again: Why am I so angry?

Am I just around angry people? or is it something more? Granted, I suffered a rather serious defeat with a bad MCAT score, so my path to Med school, is delayed a bit. And I’m well aware that there are plenty of people younger than me who have already achieved what I want, and whatnot. Basically, I do have a lot to be frustrated about, but what’s concerning to me, is that I am frustrated about it. Usually, I hold no frustrations in my mind, nor in my heart.

So how did this happen?

I guess, my mind is looking for something, I don’t know exactly what, but it’s obviously something important, to help balance me out. Perhaps it’s interaction, before, I had many people to interact with people which different energy, and it was refreshing, now that I’m done with school, my interactions with said people is now almost non-existent, so all the people that I have left to interact with, aren’t people I’d normally interact with simply because I know their history, and their mannerisms, but now I have no choice, because I have no reason and often times no choice to leave the house.

Sigh…

Regardless of the reasons, if I’m angry here, who’s the say I won’t be angry when facing the patients, the very people I’m going to swore to protect. I need to gain better control over my thoughts, and find reasons to not be swayed by the frustrations of others. It’s all in the Head, as the old saying goes. If I simply stick to what I know is true, and what I know I’m supposed to be doing, the Right thing, so to speak, then regardless of how my grant my internal struggle is, I’ll find the Will power to contain it, until I can find a proper vent.