Is It Enough?

Today I had lunch with a doctor who was going to write me a letter of recommendation. So we walked from his office to a nearby Subway and he asked me questions about myself and my beliefs and ideals in order to get a more personal view of me. So I answered his questions in the best ways I could.

So he started of with “What made you want to become a doctor in the first place?” and so naturally, I explained everything I could, so I spoke of everything, my troubling birth, my near-death experiences, the death of my Father, the life of my Mother, and everything in between. Yet, the doctor didn’t follow up with another question and there was a moment of silence, I couldn’t tell if he was reflecting on my answer or if it simply didn’t matter to him, his expression didn’t change enough for me to accurately tell.

So then during that silence, only a few moments, my mind thought, ‘Is it enough? Everything that motivates me, that I’ve said, is it really enough to actually be tested against the Trails of the Doctor?’

I mean, there’ll always be someone who’s been through a lot more than I have and have done more than I did, and they will have earn their title of ‘Doctor’, so where do I stand in all this?

Hmm… Maybe this is not a question to be answered by others, but by myself… I mean, who really cares if my Dad died? I do!… Well, as well as my immediate family, but in terms of his death as motivation towards a goal. In this case, it’s only me, the rest of the world keeps going, but it’s only I who is able to be affected by his Death, and it’s only I who decides whether or not this is a valid reason to do anything!

So the question “Is it enough?” is a self-reflecting question! Asked by me towards me, and my resolve!

Heh, guess, I should try to find an answer for it.

I know most people would say, “Of course, it’s enough!” based on the pain, suffering, and sacrifices, that’s been painted throughout my life, but one cannot forget that there’s a bigger fish in the sea, and despite everything, I’ve been through, I subconsciously have bowed out to that unknown individual who’s scars are deeper than mine and who’s smile is bigger.

But I can’t just give up the fight.

I have to get it in my head that this is not some random battle, but a life-long journey towards the bitter end! A war spanning years. And while it’ll have it’s ups and downs, the point is that I cannot stop fighting, even if everyone thinks that my reasons for fighting don’t make sense, I know what’s enough for me!

So long as I know what I’m fighting for, who I’m fighting for, and why I’m fighting, the rest of the world doesn’t matter, let the Universe go against me, I know where I stand! I have to stick to my truths even if those who stand against me are those whom I love and trust, heh, which in this family, is probably something inevitable.

So then, are all my experiences, thoughts, beliefs, scars, and truths enough of a reason for me to attempt to become a doctor? Ha! I guess there’s really only one way to find out!

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Confidence is a bit lacking…

A few weeks ago, I went to confession as a good Catholic man should, and this particular priest, who has a reputation for rambling, was rambling about how I should do things to avoid sin, so he eventually asked me what I wanted to do with my life, and I replied to become a doctor, and he told me if I should consider something else… Now here’s the interesting part…

I know it in my mind, body, and soul that I want nothing more in this life than to be a doctor, with every fiber of my being, and yet, I’ve found that when questioned with even the slightest possibility of doing something else, I become hesitant, my voice lowers, my vocabulary shortens, and it seems like I’m almost scared to defend myself in sticking to my goal…

So I was telling the Priest that I cannot see myself and anything else but a doctor, but to his eyes, it must’ve seemed like I didn’t know what I was talking about, or like I had no desire whatsoever. Well, whatever he thought, I’m certain he couldn’t have thought I was as adamant about being a doctor as I claim to be.

So what is it? Why do I act like a frightened mouse when someone comes even close to questioning my motives for wanting to become a doctor. Or even questioning my character, for that matter.

I remember an interview with a representative of a medical school, and when he questioned why some of my grades aren’t perfect, I would explain to him that there are more than a plethora of situations that would require my attention, some family, some friends, and I threw in, “I’m the kind of guy that people would come to for help” And he gave me a scenario,

“a Friend asked for your help, but you need to study for a test the next day, what would you do?”

I told him, I’d help that friend, and then he said with disappointment in his voice, “And there goes that test.” I tried to sound confident but it probably sounded like a whisper when I said, “I cannot deny who I am.” but he didn’t look up from his papers.

So, other than scratching that school from my list of potential Medical schools, that moment where my confidence is shaken, despite what I knew was the right choice, has haunted me for some time.

This is a problem I need to focus on.

But that’s the thing, I have MORE than enough reason to be confident, I’d even go so far as say be angry about this career path! Yet, something in me, doesn’t use it, it doesn’t reach into this pool of motivation, full of various things, when other people have just one and they make it work. Here I am, with so much motivation and yet it’s all gone when it comes to defending who I am or what I do.

Maybe that’s the thing, “A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.” – Segal’s Law, this is describing the fact that conflicting information can cause loads of problems, especially when it comes to making a decision… So in my case, I am seeing these things as separate reasons, the Death of my Father, the Disadvantaged Upbringing, the Earning of my Name, The Path for my Nieces, it all adds up to one thing: Sacrifice.

All of these things revolve around Sacrifice. It was Sacrifice that pushed me to Medicine, it was Sacrifice that carries me, it’s Sacrifice that I wake up to, and it’s Sacrifice that drives me to keep going. I’m going to have to REALLY think about this, because this is what will be the center of everything! What brings balance to my universe, the singular method to all the madness that I will experience, the spark that ignites a raging inferno, will be Sacrifice.

“Sacrifice, which is the passion of great souls, has never been the law of societies.” – Henri Frederic Amiel, has spoken the words perfectly.

“What have you done?”

From time to time, before I go to sleep, I find myself in front of a mirror, and almost instinctively I ask myself, “What have you done?” I ask not looking for an answer, and I’m almost certain that I’m uncertain that the person I’m asking is myself.

But why isn’t it me who will answer? Why isn’t my answer good enough? What’s stopping me from being the one who finally put this question to rest once and for all?

And I’m starting to think I can!

I spoke to my sister on the phone, and I was explaining to her that one fear I have is during the interview I won’t remember how far I’ve come, or what I’ve been through all these years, or even what I’m certain that I know will be vital assets for my being able to be a good doctor.

It’s all there in the back of my mind, I’m certain of it. And I know these are things that doctors will be looking for, expecting, and are hoping the students pick up during medical school, the fact that I have them now, is an advantage, I know it!

I just have to remember what I’ve done, where I’ve been, what I’ve seen, felt, experienced! I have to remember that People don’t know these things, and that they must be said in order to prove that I will be worthy of Being a doctor!

I’m getting myself riled up. I guess this is what my sister was expecting when I told her my MCAT score, she was expecting me to be ecstatic, but I was only thinking of more things that I need to do, but now that I’m thinking about this, I’m getting excited!

Now I’m going to face the Schools themselves! I need to start as soon as possible now. Guess, tomorrow will bring about some interesting results… Hopefully.

“It is your turn to save the world”

I wrote this on a UNICEF Post-it at 0113 hours this morning, after my rosary, in the dark, right before I went to sleep.

Before I wrote this, I was in the middle of my rosary, thinking about my purpose. What I intend to do with all of the responsibilities and ‘powers’ of being a doctor, and how exactly I’m going to do it. I’ve always planned to become an asset for UNICEF, by donating as much Time, Energy, and Money as possible… Yet, I cannot see a plan forming between paying for Loans and other things, Saving money, and making regular activities for UNICEF, all while diving into helping others as much as I can via Giuseppe Moscatii, by inviting those who have nothing to pay with, into my own home. So then I remembered the KoC, and I wondered how they do charities, and would they be able to allow me to perform charities of my own, or at least help me in these manners. And as the rosary kept going, I remembered inspiring quotes from XKCD, a rather fascinating web comic, and one that resonated with me was, “We’re grown-ups, and it’s our turn to decide what that means.” Although the comic was written some time ago and was funny as a whole, those words stayed with me, and started to blend with those feelings of charity that were floating above my head.

And soon, I started to imagine myself in an interview, faced with the question of, “Why do you want to become a doctor?” Granted everyone wants to help people, but what makes YOU (or me, rather) so different? and why take the path of a doctor? You (Me) can help so many others through other means, like Fireman, Police, Nurse, etc. Why be a doctor?

Brutal questions, to say the least, but I started forming my answer…

… But something’s wrong… It’s broken up, bits and pieces… It’s… incomplete. This is what I have so far.

I want to become a doctor, because I want to be able to help people, not just in this hospital, but throughout the world… My desires to help others stem from my own background, when I was one of them, I was on the other side of this interaction, and because I still have that experience I can provide the best services to everyone… I’ve suffered the pain of loss, so I do not have grandeur dreams of being able to save everyone who crosses my path, yet I will try to help as many people as possible… Because I want to be someone who can be an example to all of the people, and with the authority of a doctor I can help people… It’s my turn now to decide how I am going to do this…

…And that’s all I got. That’s pretty discouraging, seeing that the fact that I’ve more than enough experiences to inspire me to pursue this to the bitter end, yet, my answer is still incomplete, I’m still missing something. And as I approach the end of the rosary, all these thoughts and reflections start blending together, and eventually, I came up with this:

IT IS YOUR
TURN TO
SAVE THE
WORLD

… ‘Save the world’? Heh, who am I to save anything? But that’s the problem, isn’t it? I’ve always cut myself too short. I have these desires, this heart that wants to help people, the experiences that help me form who I am, I have no dreams of prestige nor of wealth nor of infamy. I just want to help. I want to be a good man, I want to embody the song ‘Simple Man’ by Lynard Skynard. I want to see the world and help people along the way, I want this world to be a better place leaving it than coming into it.

I’ll write more about this next time. For now, I need to sleep.