To do what needs to be done

“A Child’s tear rends the Heavens” today, had an interesting start.

Today was the day of my Mom’s doctor’s appointment, so we were getting ready to leave until, just across the street, a child was crying, she was wearing a sweater inside out, her back dirty and wet, I walked up to try to talk to her.

“Are you ok?” I ask her. “No…” she sobs, “What happened?” “I… *sob* It… *sob*” and the conversation keeps going as such. It was difficult to get some answers, I look back to my mom, who’s signalling me to hug the poor child, so I do, trying to comfort her, telling her it’s OK, her sobbing lessens, as I rock her back and forth.

Yet time is passing, I’m the only driver who’s able to take my mom to the doctor, her health quickly diminishing, the longer she’s outside. She can’t stay outside for too long, otherwise she’ll fall gravely ill.

So, who do I take care of a crying child or an ill, elderly woman?

It’s going to be decisions like this that I’ll face whenever I’m in a crisis. Who has the worst condition? Who needs help the most? Who can withstand pain, just a bit longer, and who can’t? Who still has strength and whose is about to run out?

I learned in high school  first responder knowledge ie. Start with the one not breathing, then measure the severity of each person’s wound and go from there.

That’s good advice for life. “Look at what’s the most severe problem, the one that will determine who lives and who dies, either literally or metaphorically, but in essence the one that will change one’s life. Once that’s taken care of, look around at the other problems and measure their severity, or effect on one’s life, and find ways to fix them, and so on and so forth, trying to leave the smallest/pointless problems for last.”

To conclude the story, I called the police to help that little girl, before I had to leave, and even to this moment, I’m hoping that someone was able to help her, and wishing I could’ve stayed there to help her. Yet I had to do what I needed to do, I was the only one who can drive my mother to her appointment, and there was no other.

I still feel worried about that little girl, and I’m going to have to try to deal with the fact that I can’t think I can save everyone! Even now, there’s probably some poor child crying alone on the street, with no one to comfort them. It’s a sad thought, and if I think more on it, it’s going to kill me, but that’s the point is that there will always be someone hurting and in pain, all the more reason why I need to hurry up and get into a position where I can actually do something!

Sigh… Getting aggravated now isn’t going to do anything for me. All I can do right now, is just use this as motivation that I need to do what needs to be done, if I waste time doing random pointless things, then the little girl will be sad and alone.

For her, for that little girl alone crying on the sidewalk…

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Facing the Beast once again

Thursday, January 24th at 8AM

I flew to San Francisco on the previous Monday, to get used to my new environment, and to do my final preparations for the MCAT, the monster of a test that I faced before, and found only defeat in it’s wake.

Now after the MCAT Prep course I was ready to face it again, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday found me in either my hotel room or in the Public Library studying, taking practice tests, and getting used to the format of the test, leaving it only to find a place to eat, but studying none the less.

Then Thursday came, I was ready, I woke up on time, grabbed my essentials and walked out the door, being completely terrible with directions, I found myself walking away from the location of the Cable car for roughly 10 minutes, so I almost ran back in the opposite direction to try to catch up. Luckily I made it with time to spare, other than being a little sweaty, I was fine and calm. I walked in there knowing full well that the MCAT Prep course teachings have left me in a far better state than before, I wasn’t just walking in blind like before, I felt Ready.

I left around 11:30AM, only taking 1 of the optional breaks, but when I walked out of there, I was full of dread, stressed, something went wrong, I felt it, I had no idea how I did, my head was hanging somewhat low leaving the tall buildings, I didn’t even feel the relief that I was done until much later on in the day. I heaved heavy sighs and simply couldn’t shake off the depressed feeling from my mind.

So now looking back, I can still feel it, that lingering feel of doubt, it’s not a complete “I know I failed” but it’s not “I performed marvelously” either. To be quite honest, I don’t know what it is. Yet, if anything, I would call it most likely a… Humbling feeling.

Humbling… that’s as close a label as I’m going to get for this feeling. I am humbled by the MCAT.

Calls from my Mother and my Sister both included the fact that if I did not performed well this time, then it was God’s plan that I did not, He needs me elsewhere and that’s just it. Being informed of that, helped me deal with the humbling feeling, but some part of it still remains. It’s not completely a bad feeling, but it’s not a happy one either. I just feel… I don’t know.

But I’m remembering how I acted when taking the first MCAT, I was uplifted, prideful even, I made a really big deal out of it, told everyone who’d listen that I was taking the MCAT and joke around about it, and then I felt a severe blow from reality and walked away defeated. This time, I hardly told anyone save for family and some friends, I guess my defeat left my tongue in check and I didn’t elaborate on it at all, but they made a big deal out of it, they came to me concerned about how I did and how I felt, and I would respond in roughly the same form to all of them.

Heh, on the one hand, this is a sign that I’m truly supported by people near and far, on the other, with all their support, it would kill me to disappoint them! Man, there’s just no winning with my mentality…

The Beast has really helped me, in more than one way, that’s for certain. My eyes and views are now different than the first time  I took it, one could even dare to say, I’ve matured a bit, heh heh…

But, whatever happens, I must be ready for it, whether or not I did well, I must be prepared for the actions needed to be done, plans and back-ups for each scenario. Man, I really hope I did well enough to apply to medical school with, I just need a solid score; a chance, that’s all I need, just a chance to get in there and show them what I’m made of!

Well pondering over it now, isn’t going to do anything except make me lose more sleep. I’ve still got 23 days left before I can find out how I did. Well… 22 days now…

This is My Sunrise

I have a tradition for every New Years Eve into New Years Day, it was staying up all night, to watch the sunrise.

I don’t remember how exactly I thought of this, perhaps it was an extension of  previous activities on New Years, but ultimately, it’s now integrated into my personal life.

What I usually do during the time between the days, is irrelevant, this year was Halo 4, last year was just standing outside with Sharky, my dog, but what matters is the actual sunrise itself.

The rest of the family is asleep, so I’m often alone in these tranquil hours, there’s an air of peace and stillness, it feels as if I’m almost in another world. Living in a family with so many members, I rarely have a moment to myself whet the next mind is miles away.

But the moments that pass flow like an endless river, and I’m the sole inhabitant of this small eternity. Every breath, every blink, every moment that passed is mine and mine alone. Observed by no other, I’m truly alone, it’s such a grand feeling and it’s only complimented by it’s end. For no man is an island, and even the loneliest of souls seek comfort in the company of another. The fact that I can isolate myself so absolutely, and come back is a rarity in this life, and oh, how I love it so.

This black space that stretches to infinity is mine, and it can only be replaced with the first rising of many a sun. I face this new year with many goals and ideals, but one thing is for certain: this is my year, and this is my sunrise.

“It’s Not About How Fast You Can Get Them Wrong”

This was a quote from my Verbal Reasoning professor. It stuck with me when I first started my MCAT studies. It made me think about all of the times I’ve made a decision without taking all the time I had at my disposal.

During the MCAT, one is bombarded with questions of varying degrees of difficulty on no particular order, and each question despite the level of difficulty is worth the same amount of points.

In my case, I’ve always been an unusually fast test taker, often taking a fraction of the amount of time given to complete whatever exam I’m taking, not really sure why my mind speeds up in such a manner but I’m stuck with it. And now I have to make sure my mind at a quickened pace does not cause me to attempt to blow through these simple questions where they ask one thing in an abstract manner

But taking this to a more broad spectrum, I’m curious as to how many decisions one makes in his life, without using all the time given to him to make it with. Like the MCAT questions, each decision made is worth the same as any other, despite the fact that each decision can vary from the most difficult decision ever made to the easiest.

But one thing is for certain, every decision has some degree of right and wrong choices, it’s just according to whatever the person believes in, who is making said decision. So ultimately, it’s at the end of it all do we find out whether out not we made the right choice or the wrong one, but one thing is for certain, Life isn’t about how fast you can make a lot of wrong choices, but about how many of those choices we the right ones.